superconfessional

[midnight]

I feel like really good relationships work because each person surrenders their power and checks their ego at the door and becomes almost as their simplest self. In a good relationship there shouldn't be a power struggle, i feel. But that's just my opinion.

Even the couples i know with one really loud person and one really quiet person end up being pretty similar when they are together.

[thedaniway]

I agree somewhat....

the most successful marriages i've seen always have one person who is more dominant and the other is more submissive.......

but do you not feel that is simply the personalities of the two people married... or even a learned lifestyle between the two?

[landho]

i disagree. a CONTROLLING and NON ACCEPTING relationship is a struggle for power, but why spend time with someone who is constantly fighting you for the right to be heard? nothing is ever accomplished, and the "relationship" eventually ends. then, you find someone who you can meet in the middle.

I think relationships are struggles for power whether you're conscious of it or not.

Why are people afraid to be the first to say "I love you" then? Because they don't want to cede power, because they're afraid of being the first to give too much.

I admit, I made a brief statement that really generalizes things and I think it will require a long discussion that I am not sure I am prepared to get involved in. But consider this: how many times have you seen a person act a bit standoffish in a relationship, which simply makes the other person more needy, which simply deepens the predicament? I know I've seen this more times than I care to count.

[dino might]

^agreed

I feel like really good relationships work because each person surrenders their power and checks their ego at the door and becomes almost as their simplest self. In a good relationship there shouldn't be a power struggle, i feel. But that's just my opinion.

i feel like there shouldnt be either, but at the same time i feel like thats wishful, utopian thinking.

i never ever want to get married.

[thedaniway]

I think relationships are struggles for power whether you're conscious of it or not.

Why are people afraid to be the first to say "I love you" then? Because they don't want to cede power, because they're afraid of being the first to give too much.

I admit, I made a brief statement that really generalizes things and I think it will require a long discussion that I am not sure I am prepared to get involved in. But consider this: how many times have you seen a person act a bit standoffish in a relationship, which simply makes the other person more needy, which simply deepens the predicament? I know I've seen this more times than I care to count.

how often do those relationships last until death do them part?

edit: i just know that you don't get into a relationship to struggle to be heard or understood... if i wanted that i'd marry sufu.

[dunkin deeznuts]

but do you not feel that is simply the personalities of the two people married... or even a learned lifestyle between the two?

i dont think the person goes conciously into the relationship thinking "oh, i think i can be the bottom bitch in this relationship"

its either their nature and they fall into their "roles" or they have been "broken down" and figure its easier to let the other take control / or the other person doesnt want control so they take over...they figure its easier then fighting about shit all the time....

[kunk75]

yes. i tell my wife what to do, she tells me no, tells me what to do, and i do it. we are blissfully happy.

I agree somewhat....

the most successful marriages i've seen always have one person who is more dominant and the other is more submissive.......

[midnight]

i never ever want to get married.

http://www.newsweek.com/id/143792

never have kids.

[landho]

how often do those relationships last until death do them part?

Well, at the end of the day, the failure rate of relationships is incredibly high, right? Because supposedly only one in your life doesn't fail, and sometimes it just "fail" because one of the parties simply dies.

I think you simply have to be realistic with relationships. You go in, and you both agree on a set of parameters and try to make each other better people and you also agree not to fuck each other over. It's not very romantic, but it's the closest I've come to figuring things out.

[dunkin deeznuts]

yes. i tell my wife what to do, she tells me no, tells me what to do, and i do it. we are blissfully happy.

exactly

in 5 years it will just simplify to her telling you what to do and you muttering to yourself.....but doing it anywayzzzzzzz

[kunk75]

not to get all self-help and shit, but in general my wife and i are really happy together. same sense of humor, same values or lack thereof, and it works. she's also remained thin and takes care of herself after 3 kids which sounds shallow, but sex life is a big part of the equation.

been together 12 years (since i'm 20 and she's 21) and known each other for 19.

i think most people:

-front and pretendto be someone else

-get desperate and marry whoever

- change

this is what makes it so hard, i think. i know lots of people who married the wrong person after having the right person and not knowing it or it not being the right time.

^agreed

i feel like there shouldnt be either, but at the same time i feel like thats wishful, utopian thinking.

i never ever want to get married.

[thedaniway]

not to get all self-help and shit, but in general my wife and i are really happy together. same sense of humor, same values or lack thereof, and it works. she's also remained thin and takes care of herself after 3 kids which sounds shallow, but sex life is a big part of the equation.

been together 12 years (since i'm 20 and she's 21) and known each other for 19.

i think most people:

-front and pretendto be someone else

-get desperate and marry whoever

- change

this is what makes it so hard, i think. i know lots of people who married the wrong person after having the right person and not knowing it or it not being the right time.

i definitely think jumping into a relationship can be very straining. jeff and i have been together for 8 months, and have lived together for 4 of those 8 months. we jumped into our relationship thinking it was going to be i love you, candy, and streamers everyday-but we've learned to meet in the middle... and even though we're still learning a lot about eachother, we both know what we need to do to make it work. it's nice to be able to talk to your boyfriend/gf/husband/wife about the things that they do to bother you and not have them jump down your throat. i'd be lying to say that we haven't had any large issues, concerns, or doubts-but if you want to be with someone you learn to make it work. sometimes that also means NOT telling the person you love that what they're doing is bothering you and just putting up with the person for who they are. i really enjoy spending everyday and every night with jeff. when i wake up in the morning and see him there, i'm relieved and excited to start another day with him. he makes me mad, upset, and sometimes jealous-but he's a good boyfriend and does all he can to make me happy. when you find something like that, you just work past the bullshit.

edit: and learn to be happy, because you have someone to lean on through all situations.

[dunkin deeznuts]

if i was in front of you right now sister suzie i would sing you this in my highest squeekist voice.........

What's the matter, why don't you answer

What's the matter with me

Cause it's so hard to be

Free and easy, we'll disappear completely

Hardly as I've known it's glad

You're heart is broken, and the doors are open

As you're hoping to be

There's brighter places to see

Hands need warning, early in the morning

Hardly as I've known a surprise

No, don't warn me

I know it's wrong, but I swear it won't take long

And I know, you know,

It makes me sigh; I do believe in love

Another season, but the same old feelings

Another reason could be

I'm tired of aching, summer's what you make it

But I'll believe what I want to believe

[dino might]

http://www.newsweek.com/id/143792

never have kids.

that was finalized a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng time ago. no worries. if shawty wants kids i dont want shawty.

not to get all self-help and shit, but in general my wife and i are really happy together. same sense of humor, same values or lack thereof, and it works. she's also remained thin and takes care of herself after 3 kids which sounds shallow, but sex life is a big part of the equation.

been together 12 years (since i'm 20 and she's 21) and known each other for 19.

i think most people:

-front and pretendto be someone else

-get desperate and marry whoever

- change

this is what makes it so hard, i think. i know lots of people who married the wrong person after having the right person and not knowing it or it not being the right time.

eh, i dont know. like suzie mentioned, i dont have much faith in things like that either. in my opinion you [kunk] are very lucky. i view marriage/relationships in the same light as gambling, one's either lucky or not, sure you can do a thing here and there to better your odds, work in some technique, something you learned from years of practice, but in the end if you dont have luck you dont have very much at all.

but i come from a broken home/family, so naturally my opinions on the subject are pretty slanted..

[kunk75]

yeah, i have the second longest marriage in my family.

uncle on his third. other uncle on his 3rd. parents got divorced before i was born and my mom divorced my sister's dad too. even my grandmother was married twice. sounds like your mind is made up but don't let a fucked family shape your thinking. i could have easily done that. i still have very little faith in most relationships from what i see but it can happen.

[dunkin deeznuts]

my one year anniversary is a week from today!!! yahhh us!!!!

[kunk75]

congrats. our 10th is next year and we're trying to decide between croatia w/kids, hawaii w/kids or montreal with no kids.

[thedaniway]

....... paris with no kids........

look up packages online. it can be dirt cheap if you need it to be... and it's more romantic then any of the other choices...

[dino might]

^^no kids. definitely anywhere with no kids. how you gon have romanze with kids around?

[sarcasticone]

Kunk, I would say try to do Croatia with no kids if possible. Hawaii I could see bringing your kids but not Croatia. Take Montreal out of the running. You could go to Montreal any long weekend.

[superBobo]

weird timing on the marriage/kids discussion, since I pretty much for the first time ever feel i would like to marry and get kids with the girl im together with now. unfortunatly shes on some "going slow, not right now" shit though, so it wont happen for quite sometime. I should have gotten an older girlfriend instead, family life -ready...

[kunk75]

thinking croatia cause of no euro. can't leave the kids too far away cause mother-in-law is batshit crazy and my mom can't chase them cause she needs knee replacement.

and we have become experts at getting down despite the kids. i can throw an action figure across the house, lock the door while they go after it and get going. you get resourceful with 3 boys running around.

[sarcasticone]

Don't worry about it Bobo. Common law is the new marriage. Enjoy life without kids.

[kunk75]

true, but at least we can pretend we're in paris and save some money. putting in a new kitchen, new bathroom so money will be an issue for the next year or 20.

and i'm croatian, so the kids would be coming-want to see their heritage and all that B.S.

Kunk, I would say try to do Croatia with no kids if possible. Hawaii I could see bringing your kids but not Croatia. Take Montreal out of the running. You could go to Montreal any long weekend.

[sarcasticone]

Very true, I guess I said take out Montreal because I have been there a ton of times and I really want to go to Croatia.

[landho]

and i'm croatian....

Do you ever introduce yourself as the Croatian Sensation?

[kunk75]

nah, i'm only half so that would be bullshitting a bit. but uncle kunk sometimes.

[landho]

Uncle Kunk! Looks like we have a winner:)

[azn8oi]

filipino food makes me so fucking queasy, but i always go once a week.

[sarcasticone]

We would have also accepted Kuncle and Unc-Kunk.