Superawkward

[superBobo]

no, the context defines it.

[oh snap]

this thread makes me feel better and worse at the same time.

i was serving at a buffet bruch once to a woman who was with her autistic son. the son makes a brutal mess and they finish up. i thought id be a nice guy, she obviously has a hard time... dealing with an autisitc child is no joke, right? so i decide ill take the sons meal off the bill, give her a break, he didnt eat much anyway.

she comes up and is like oh you forgot one of the meals and i look at the son and say oh dont worry about that. then i give an ugh face becasue i said "that" not "him" or "your son" then she gives me an ugh face back like thanks for your fucking pity you fucking herb. all of this is followed by *awkward silence* and me peacing out to the kitchen for five minutes while she pays and leaves. felt bad. must suck to not only have an autistic son but to have people throw it in your face all the time, even if they mean well

[samsikle]

wow what a way to have good intentions explode in your face.

[landho]

I was at dinner with this broad once and I had to run to the restroom. (We were at a nice Italian restaurant, and I didn't realize at the time that I had a condition, so I ate some dish laden with parmesan.) This is one of those nice restaurants that have nice, one-occupant bathrooms--you go in and deadbolt the door and then do your business. If someone else has to go, they have to politely wait in the hallway. One weird design feature of these one-occupant bathrooms is that they always seem to have both a urinal and a toilet. Never really understood that.

So I have to go and take a shit. The deadbolt doesn't work, but I don't think too much of it. I just have to take care of business. I'm sitting there, taking a shit, when this dude saunters on in. He's wearing an ill-fitting short-sleeve button-up shirt (burnt sienna), blue-jean shorts, and black high-tops. The big-kid look, but he's around 40. He pauses for a second, not making eye contact with me, and then heads straight for the urinal.

Keep in mind that I am mid-shit. I am mortified. I freeze up because I get performance anxiety. I haven't shit in front of someone in more than twenty years. I also hurriedly flush because I have turds floating in the water. It's kind of like when your house is a mess and someone expectedly stops by and you hurriedly began cleaning up because you don't want them to think that you live in a pigsty. I'll admit that I'm ashamed when I'm sitting on the toilet with turds beneath me in someone else's presence.

I also hurried grabbed my shirttail and modestly used it to cover my manhood. Also didn't feel do comfortable with my dong hanging out.

The guy, of course, is shameless. He pauses briefly on his way in and then just walks up to the urinal. The urinal is on the wall facing the toilet, so his back is to me. He starts to piss, and he's one of those guys who braces himself against the wall with one hand when he pisses. He takes forever. When he's done, I see him zip up and start to turn his head to the right, as if to apologize to me over his right shoulder. He thinks better of it, of course, and decides that it's better to pretend that I'm not there at all. I mean, do you really want to acknowledge the fact that you knew all along that there was a man taking a shit in the bathroom?

So he washes his hands and leaves. Doesn't say a word. Takes me a minute, but I finally manage to finish my business. I walk out of the bathroom.

The funny thing is I've been gone for a while. The girl I was wish was wondering where the hell I was. She saw me go into the bathroom but then she saw the other guy come out! She began wondering whether I ran an escape plan--like out the bathroom window or something. I tell her what happened, and we share a good laugh.

None of this would have happened, of course, if I had abstained from eating cheese. But back then I didn't know I had a condition, so who came blame me? Cheese is fucking delicious.

[jeepster]

Fuck man. Better to know that you are lactose intolerant than shit on a day. Just imagine if you get head and she's like "wtf is that smell" and you're like "FUCK"

ewwwwwwww

[Vaclav]

It was awkward today when, I spied my neighbor across in my binoculars, looking for me with, his own.

[Guest winq]

I'm going to have to request the full story behind that one.

The TA was passing out our assignment from another day.

Our desks were formed in a big open circle like a U.

I was stretching my back when I felt something soft, I turned my head and I was staring eye to eye with the TA while my hand was still on her sad boobs.

She never handed out assignments from the back again.

[mpcec]

this thread makes me feel better and worse at the same time.

i was serving at a buffet bruch once to a woman who was with her autistic son. the son makes a brutal mess and they finish up. i thought id be a nice guy, she obviously has a hard time... dealing with an autisitc child is no joke, right? so i decide ill take the sons meal off the bill, give her a break, he didnt eat much anyway.

she comes up and is like oh you forgot one of the meals and i look at the son and say oh dont worry about that. then i give an ugh face becasue i said "that" not "him" or "your son" then she gives me an ugh face back like thanks for your fucking pity you fucking herb. all of this is followed by *awkward silence* and me peacing out to the kitchen for five minutes while she pays and leaves. felt bad. must suck to not only have an autistic son but to have people throw it in your face all the time, even if they mean well

As the cliche goes, "no good deed goes unpunished."

[samsikle]

So I have to go and take a shit. The deadbolt doesn't work, but I don't think too much of it. I just have to take care of business. I'm sitting there, taking a shit, when this dude saunters on in.

this has happened to me and my girlfriends when we go to this restaurant in this shitty pretentious spot at Santana Row. for some reason the locks never lock, but all the ladies who are lined up are too drunk to care. oh but not taking a shit of course, girls don't poo, duh.

[ProfMonnitoff]

prom date protip: dont just ask some random girl you don't even know.

[branespload]

prom date protip: dont just ask some random girl you don't even know.

when i asked my girl to prom (if you recall, i had baked her a big ass cookie representation of an ASCII-art erection with the words "CUM2PROM<3" in icing on it) and everyone would ask me what was in my tray and if they could eat some of it. it was pretty awkward walking in late to a really anal teacher's class holding that thing, trying to hide it..

[Guest Phrost]

there is a deadbolt locked stall and a urinal in the bathroom at borders. i'm at the urinal and this guy goes into the stall and says "SHIT there's no toilet paper!" he starts asking me if i could get some toilet paper. he's desperate to the point he starts cracking jokes. i leave in disgust.

[dolly]

this has happened to me and my girlfriends when we go to this restaurant in this shitty pretentious spot at Santana Row. for some reason the locks never lock, but all the ladies who are lined up are too drunk to care. oh but not taking a shit of course, girls don't poo, duh.

my friend says ugly girls poo twice as often to make up for the pretty ones who don't.

i feel awkward when i'm carrying an umbrella or raincoat in perfect weather.

when i run into someone i haven't seen in a long time who i don't really care about but am forced to make small talk with, i usually end up complimenting them even if i don't mean it. it usually helps fill in awkward silences.

i also feel awkward when people feel compelled to fill in comfortable silences

[chronoaug]

Fuck man. Better to know that you are lactose intolerant than shit on a day. Just imagine if you get head and she's like "wtf is that smell" and you're like "FUCK"

ewwwwwwww

You gotta figure that shit out. I thought i started to develop a tolerance to lactose because i would get weird stomach pains after eating and i didn't know what it was. So i decided to sit down with a big ass slice of cheesecake and eat the whole thing. I survived, and am glad i wasn't lactose intolerant because i would've hated life.

I'm sorry landho. Get those pills and keep eating that lactose. Milk/cheese/icecream is fucking amazing.

[Darkadious]

it isn't that bad

just gotta build up

[drewtetz]

awesome thread. i grew up playing gameboy and reading all the time so i'm really bad at making eye contact, but i've managed to use it for my advantage, 'cause if i see someone that i know but don't want to talk to i just power through on past them and pretend i can't hear them. maybe that makes me a dick? i don't know.

i've been an awkward dude my whole life, so i take a lot of stuff in stride, but two that always get me are:

- when you look up from a menu or a conversation or something and make DIRECT EYE CONTACT with somebody who just happened to be looking in your direction. i've got friends that refuse to break the stare and just mean mug it out til the other person feels awkward, but i just don't have the constitution for it. i go into full-on panic mode and whirl around as fast as humanly possible, and then i blush furiously because i know they're still looking. the best ever was when i was walking around campus and this happened, because on the turnaround i slammed into a tiny freshman girl from my psychology class. damn.

- also gotta echo the "unable to end a phone call" thing. the worst is when you start with the "well, i guess i should probably let you-" and then they cut in with another awkward question. jesus. sometimes i get a thought, like, "maybe i should just yell 'PEEEEEACE!' and slam the phone down", and it becomes so stupid and so funny to me that i can't think about anything else, much less exert the effort needed to carry on an awkward conversation like that.

please don't tell me the subconscious-joke-obsession thing only happens to me.

[LeatherSeatBelt]

there is a deadbolt locked stall and a urinal in the bathroom at borders. i'm at the urinal and this guy goes into the stall and says "SHIT there's no toilet paper!" he starts asking me if i could get some toilet paper. he's desperate to the point he starts cracking jokes. i leave in disgust.

lol thats pretty mean... i wouldve just gave him the toilet paper.

[r_mutt]

friend "dates" with either sex is awkward.

[Guest winq]

lol thats pretty mean... i wouldve just gave him the toilet paper.

yea that's stone cold man

[landho]

friend "dates" with either sex is awkward.

What? I love a man date.

[m1sterko]

beeen there done that. ssweeet

[chronoaug]

What? I love a man date.

Yes. Man or opposite sex friend dates are good fun. Don't have to worry about impressing or trying to get laid, or anything. Just go somewhere to get some good food, and you know that you and the person get along and have shit to talk to. It's more of a thing i do with really good friends i've had for a long time, but it's fun. I used to get lunch or dinner with a guy friend of mine every other week or so a few summers ago, and i still do stuff with my friends now. This girl and i go to a bar together occasionally when there is nothing that's gonna happen.

[Leonard Leroy]

unless she's looking good that day and you try to fuck your friend what then

[landho]

unless she's looking good that day and you try to fuck your friend what then

Well, there are always people in the queue trying to get on the buddy list. So you just put her somewhere in the back and move everyone else up one.

[andrewsienk]

This happened to me last night. I was getting drunk with a friend and he ended up walking home shit faced, puking and he fell on his face. The next day his father comes and bitches at me. Saying that he almost died from alcohol poisoning and to never hang out with him again. Awkward...

[Leonard Leroy]

people who talk on hands free phones still look like they're austistic/schizophrenic/weird

[conan.]

yo i just read this man date shit... the fact that a major paper warrants it newsworthy is kind of sad... shit is so normal

[andrewsienk]

Walking in on your brother jacking off but he's too drunk to notice that you're standing there.

Walking in on your girlfriends sister riding on your brother's penis.

[l3ootlegs]

bump into ur ex and her ex are together walking down the street......

[fallen angels]

there's a big hot tub in the men's locker room at my gym, most guys sit in there naked, which aint no thang since most guys walk around the locker room naked anyway. so one night i am chillin in the hot tub (nude) and the next thing i know, i see my 55 year old coworker stepping into the hot tub (nude) too. i just started my job at this office a couple weeks ago (btw there are only 4 other people in the office) and i had no idea he goes to my gym too. usually i dont mind being naked in the locker room, but in the presence of someone i work with who i just met, i began feeling a little awkward. thinking he didnt see me, i coverd my face with a warm towel, climbed out the tub and went into the steam room. after 5 minutes in the steam room, i decide to leave. But as i am leaving, he is entering, so when the door opened, we were standing right in front of each other, butt naked, peen facing peen.

awkward...