Djrajio Dating Thread/Advice Column

[okonomi]

Read the last sentence: "How the fuck do I get out of this...". I don't think he wants to smash.

[BearCousin]

Honestly. How is that not obvious. Just go to her place with a bottle of wine and smash that ass.

fuck the wine, save your money and go over there with nothing but yo dick.

[Premo]

forreal? unlike others on here that are looking on how to smash, im actually looking on how to get out of a smash

anyways, i doubt this beez could even get my dick up

[okonomi]

Thank you! Negged all the others because they were the oblivious ones.

[fobsquad]

anyways, i doubt this beez could even get my dick up

at least let her try, its a free and easy smash. if not you at least have a story for superawkward

[heyheyhey]

Me and my ex got back together about two weeks ago, trying to work out our issues but we've spend more time arguing than being happy. We've set ourselves a two week ultimatum. If we aren't happy in our relationship by the 7th of March, we will break up for good.

In the interim of us being broken up, I met a girl through a friend, and I knew she was into me. We had great chat but two days later was when I got back into my relationship. Now the new girl wants to meet for coffee tomorrow afternoon and I would totally love to. Literally don't know what to do. I cant tell if I'm just not willing to put in the effort with my screwed up relationship, especially now there's another girl in the picture, or if I know deep down its just not working and as hard as another break up will be, its not worth it to keep going until March with this.

[djrajio]

Think you already know the answer to this. Trust your gut. It's usually always right.

[OkayOkay]

Yep. Go get coffee w/ the prospect. Even if it's casual it can't hurt, especially knowing you're not really in on the current relationship. Don't blow it off and look back 2 weeks later and regret it.

[redX]

We've set ourselves a two week ultimatum. If we aren't happy in our relationship by the 7th of March, we will break up for good.

you should've just ended it at this point. the only mindset you have from thereon is to force yourself to be happy and make a relationship work with so much self sacrifice that the times when it feels good will never outweigh the times you're disagreeing about something

[lestat]

forreal? unlike others on here that are looking on how to smash, im actually looking on how to get out of a smash

anyways, i doubt this beez could even get my dick up

Is the beezy that hurt or something? how u cant get ur dick up?

Me and my ex got back together about two weeks ago, trying to work out our issues but we've spend more time arguing than being happy. We've set ourselves a two week ultimatum. If we aren't happy in our relationship by the 7th of March, we will break up for good.

In the interim of us being broken up, I met a girl through a friend, and I knew she was into me. We had great chat but two days later was when I got back into my relationship. Now the new girl wants to meet for coffee tomorrow afternoon and I would totally love to. Literally don't know what to do. I cant tell if I'm just not willing to put in the effort with my screwed up relationship, especially now there's another girl in the picture, or if I know deep down its just not working and as hard as another break up will be, its not worth it to keep going until March with this.

break things off, and meet up the other girl... you'll be happier... why go through all that stress trying to revive a dead relationship??

you guys broke up once because u 2 couldn't work things out... getting back together to try again ain't gonna resolve shit...maybe in the short run, but odds are, sooner or later, the problems will resurface again...

[Premo]

Is the beezy that hurt or something? how u cant get ur dick up?

hurt as in busted? nah she aint busted.

pussy is pussy but i guess im in a position now where i can afford to be selective with who i wanna fuck

and heyheyhey; you cant put a deadline on a relationship like some kind of research project. feelings dont procrastinate. pursue the new girl. backup plan/ jealous move winwin

[heyheyhey]

You guys might be right. My hunch hasn't worn off, and I know she's way more invested in our relationship than I am at this stage. I know a time limit sounds totally ridiculous (I said no initially) but it seemed a good idea to try and work shit out like we'd done before.

Ultimately I don't think I'm happy.

Will report back.

[lawlercopterz]

met this girl about a week and a half ago at some bar, shes from amsterdam but is in the city for the next 6 months or so. things went well we exchanged numbers, got her to leave the bar we were at went to some club danced all night, i figured it was definitely in the bag until she told me she has a boyfriend in amsterdam.

how to break up long distance relationship?

[jayrock]

Getting waaay ahead of yourself if that's really your goal imo

If she's down to chill just hang with her and be yourself, and don't ever mention the BF. he doesn't matter at all. see where it goes from there, but I'd temper any expectations

[lawlercopterz]

nah not really my goal but she has been hitting me up to hang out and chill one on one.. she mentioned her boyfriend in passing but we'll see.

will report back in a few days.

[conqueror]

the best thing about this thread is seeing the du's who were totally inept/clueless/asking for obvious advice last week suddenly turning into the sufu alpha male 'fuck bitches, pussy is pussy bro!' a page later.

[jayrock]

yo dats me

but shit someone should learn from my mistakes, because i probably won't. emotions are the worst

[Premo]

yoo thats me too

conqueror (assuming you talking about me); pussy be flockn bro, kukukuuu. you need to reread what i wrote a page back. i asked how to get out of the situation while remaining friends, i dont think asking advice for that is obvious? maybe it is. and i never claimed to be pullin bitches. i said i fuck who i see fit in fuckin, rather than fucking whatever is given to me . kuu

++ dont act like you aint a simp

Edited February 29, 2012 by Premo

[conqueror]

yoo thats me too

conqueror (assuming you talking about me); pussy be flockn bro, kukukuuu. you need to reread what i wrote a page back. i asked how to get out of the situation while remaining friends, i dont think asking advice for that is obvious? maybe it is. and i never claimed to be pullin bitches. i said i fuck who i see fit in fuckin, rather than fucking whatever is given to me . kuu

++ dont act like you aint a simp

wasn't referring to just you.

[OkayOkay]

Inb4:

too long didn't read

"not reading that novel man"

my browser crashed loading all that text

"paragraphs, bro. paragraphs"

I can't believe you wrote all this

etc.

TL:DR - Overly descriptive relationship shit. Me deciding how much to commit to a potentially good thing with some minor hangups.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this, it might be just to get it out of my head and in front if me where I can see it in a different way, but I'm definitely open to thoughts and responses as well. I've been dating a girl for a while now, give or take 8 months, and we spend a ton of time together. We've basically lived together for a while, but it's been when I've had a room at a friend's house (ie: not our own place), so she's always had her place to retreat to. Things have been generally good between us, I hesitate to say great so it doesn't come off as exuberant or over the top, but it just works. We get eachother, have the same perspective on things, the same appreciation for things, etc. I'd say we love eachother, and I don't think in a superficial or passing way. There are a few hurdles, nothing insurmountable, and I'll elaborate on those as I write, but for the most part I've been able to understand the conflicts we've had and the reasons behind them, and we've managed to work through the difficult spots. She's younger than me, I'm 31, she's 21, and I do what I can to be cognizant of the impact our ages play on those problems or misunderstandings. Not that it all falls on her shoulders for being young, but I'm more patient and understanding of things, even forgiving, because I remember being that age and how I looked at the world and responded to it. There are things as well that come with my age and life experience that aren't always positive either, and I try to remember that as well. I also have a penchant for overanalyzing things and reading too deeply into things, maybe even taking things too seriously, and again, I try to be aware of that. All that being said, things are still really good between us. We have fun, we learn things together, travel, lean on eachother, share our feelings, hopes, all that stuff. Even when we tell the other we're going to stay at our own place one night, or go out with our own friends or whatever, we wind up together almost every time. There's definitely something there that's more than just a casual relationship, and we're starting to explore that.

That's the backstory. Fast forward to now, and we got an opportunity to get our own place together, which we walked through this afternoon. I've lived on my own for a while in a few places, was married, basically completely independent and on my own in a variety of arrangements. This will be her first move out from her parents place. We've talked about moving out together before, it's been her leading the charge in the idea and discussion, and I've been supportive of the idea. We basically live together already, so it's not that much of a change, just that it's more formal now and there really isn't our "own" space to retreat to like there was before. For me it's all fine, I have no hesitations about what I want, and she tells me that she's ready and excited to do this together. The place pretty much works great for both of us, doesn't stress either of us financially, etc. Just a great opportunity. I do have a couple reoccurring thoughts / concerns though, which is the reason for all of this I guess. First, I'm trying to be extremely cautious of not smothering her, and letting her really grow and be her own person without the pressures of an overly demanding relationship. I try really hard to not have unreasonable expectations, or really even reasonable expectations sometimes, and just let a lot of things slide. Things that seem logical for couples like operating as one, sharing, being open, etc. I guess I'm trying to say I try to let her be independent still and not get offended or disappointed if she acts selfish or doesn't think of me when someone usually would. I want her to learn these things on her own, and not learn them by me correcting her or coaching her. They're all the same things I learned in my early 20's just by going through the years, by fucking things up and realizing it, by hurting people and having them tell me, or by being hurt and learning how to respond...just life shit. The things you can only know by actually doing, and not just hearing about. There have been several times something has happened I don't agree with or things that hurt, and I keep reminding myself that she's young and to give her the time and space to learn, and I'm not sure if they've become less frequent as time has gone on, or that I've hardened up and slowly stopped caring how they impact me. Maybe it's both, most likely the latter. I feel like I need to offer the disclaimer, and as cliche as it sounds, she is smarter, more mature, and has a more real understanding of things than she should for her age. She's highly responsible and capable, and I'm not just saying that to justify her age, it's the truth. She has all the fundamentals down, just maybe not all the actual experience to compliment me, and that's a big part of why I feel comfortable with her.

So anyways, part of my concern is taking this thing to the next level, formally moving in together, but keeping an eye on how she develops and if she changes at all. I really hope some of these things adjust, that we find a bit better balance in being a couple, in equally participating in the relationship, etc. I kinda expect them to, but I'm a bit hesitant to fully invest emotionally until I'm more confident in that. I hate talking about being burned in the past and the lingering effects, I'd like to look at each relationship independently and not carry baggage from one to the next, but fuck...it's hard to really open up, let go, and commit everything and not be sure they're really there with you or on the same page. That segue's into the next concern/thought, and probably the most prominent in my mind. With all the girls from my past I knew without a doubt that I was the only one they loved or cared for exclusively. In a lot of instances, I was the focus and there wasn't much else besides me, and I've never had a hard time or an issue with making the person I was with my only focus and tuning everyone else out. I'm not talking about friends or family, but other girls, interested in them or not, ex girlfriends, whatever. When I'm with someone I'm with them, and there isn't ever a question about that. I've always been faithful, even when things went bad. I'm not some white knight or anything, it's just in my nature to be that way, and even when given the opportunity to cheat or even just get attention from another girl when I'm in a relationship I always shy away. If I get approached or hit on I'll tell the girl I'm super flattered, but that I have a girlfriend. I won't take numbers, or communicate back past the initial conversation, and I'd like to think the other person would appreciate that if they ever knew. My girl, on the other hand, keeps relationships alive after they end, and in some cases, still gets into emotional conversations with her ex's or other guys. I don't at all think it's with the intent for it to ever lead anywhere, and the dialogue (from what I've seen / read) is more retrospective rather than prospective, like "what we had together was amazing at the time", etc, but she seems to have a need to stay emotionally involved. I'm not sure what it is, maybe it's the attention, their responses are usually positive or flattering, as I'd anticipate. I'm sure it feels good to hear from a variety of people that you're still cared for or loved or that they still find you attractive or whatever. I guess if I had all my ex's or random girls telling me how much I meant to them and still do I'd find it flattering also, I just don't seek that I guess. I don't dislike any of them, I just don't feel that need to keep that connection after a relationship ends. Her sister is the same way, even to a more uncomfortable extent of having her old boyfriends / hookups, etc all chatting together about their experiences with her...weird to me, I guess it works for her / them. With her sister I know it's being the center of attention that is what she craves, knowing she's the focus and desired by all these guys, maybe that she's been the alpha and able to hurt them and string them along, whatever...general attention seeking behavior concept. With my girl it's way more diminished, but the theme is generally still there. I doubt she sees a problem with it, and at this stage in our relationship, maybe there isn't, but it does weigh on me. Probably more than I'd admit to her or to myself. I don't worry about her cheating or leaving or anything. I've been around long enough and been through enough relationships / women to know that you really can't control that. You can hope for the best and that they'll be faithful and do your part, but you can't worry about it all the time...it'll drive you insane and puts unfair pressure on your partner always assuming you don't trust them. I don't think I mind her having guy friends, or even communicating with some of her ex's if she stays open and honest with me, and remembers what's acceptable and what isn't. I know for sure she'd be sad and hurt if she found me doing the same, I just hope that she'll find some closure at some point, and doesn't tip toward her sister's behavior, cause as much as I love her, I'd bounce in a second and wouldn't look back. She hasn't given me any reason to be concerned, she's a bit secretive, but nothing I'd point to as significant enough to give me suspicion. I think it's just the concept of maybe me not being enough for her in all those ways to where she doesn't need to seek that. I highly doubt she's been on the receiving end of being hurt ever, she's super attractive and has probably, until now, been the one in control of the relationship, so I don't think she's ever had to check herself or her behavior. I don't know if she knows that it's different for her this time, maybe she does. She's amazing in a ton of ways, but I'm not going to lose my shit and pine for her or beg if things don't work out or if she gets bored or whatever. I could see a life with her, and it would be amazing, really amazing, but I'm also highly confident in being alone or in my ability to keep meeting people. It would be highly disappointing if this didn't work out, especially if it ended over something trivial, but I'd be generally fine. I'd never tell her that of course, I'm just not sure if she knows that I'm not the guy that lingers around after looking for another chance or offering support or reassurance or whatever. It just is how it is I guess. How all this impacts me (aside from the obvious) is again, I find myself holding back from really giving her my all, which I really want to do, because I'm not quite sold that I'm enough for her or that she's ready for just me. I'm not really believing that I'm her focus in the way I should be if we're gonna keep progressing this thing. She wants my all, she wants me to be heavily emotionally invested and affectionate, but I'm still wary, and I think it's justified. Again though, it could be an age/experience thing. She might not really understand about being all in quite yet, and I don't want to force her to be there or criticize her for not. I want her to get it and want to be there on her own accord, and I think I understand that it'll probably be bumpy or awkward or uncomfortable (mostly for me) as she figures these things out, but with all the good parts of her/the relationship, right now it's worth the investment. I think I need to stay patient, but remember where the line of what's acceptable and what isn't is. I'd hate to either fully give myself over to her and get emotionally destroyed at some point, or (and maybe worse in my mind) is coach her and ride her and suddenly find her years later secretly resenting me for smothering her. I probably fear that more than anything. I want it to be easy and fun and something we both want to be in and not feel obligated to be a part of, and at the same time, if we feel like things are getting more serious then adjusting at the same speed.

I guess at the end of this novel I've probably answered my own questions, and I'm pretty sure I know the advice I'd be given: be aware, don't take things too seriously at this point, make the lines of acceptable behavior obvious, don't get blindsided, pick my level of contribution based on what feels right and not to leverage things, be patient, don't have unreasonable expectations, and give her / us my best, even if I don't think it's being necessarily returned in a way I'd like. If anyone actually took the time to read all this bullshit I'd love some thoughts, maybe some reassurance that I'm not being an asshole or overanalyzing things. She really is incredible in a ton of ways, and I feel genuinely lucky to be with her and I'm really excited about getting this place together and seeing where things go, I just think I needed to get this stuff out of my head and out there. Who knows, I may re-read all this and be like "what the fuck am I even talking about?".

Edited March 1, 2012 by OkayOkay

[BearCousin]

rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants rants on rants on rants

coulda made that shit like 3 normal sized paragraphs dummy

i say choke a bitch if she ever talks to another dude

[djrajio]

break up with her.

[djrajio]

any woman that requires that much effort to write out isn't worth your time.

[conqueror]

people say age doesn't matter, but that is total bs in alot of situations (inc this one) i'd say. ten years is a huge fucking difference, especially between you two. you're 31 and she's 21 - chances are she is still immature in most ways and has no idea what she really wants in a du/life in general despite what she might say to the contrary. the age diff would be fine if it was just some casual thing, but you say you're in love with her and are moving in together already (plus this is the first time she has ever lived away from her parents). i dunno, to me, it sounds like trainwreck waiting to happen. saying that, you have always seemed like a real nice du though so regardless of what happens i hope it works out for you best in the end.

Edited March 1, 2012 by conqueror

[OkayOkay]

Yea, I appreciate the heads up and advice. I do think I'm logical about it and have my head on straight, I don't really forsee getting myself blindsided or caught offguard. Been through that before on both ends and know what to watch out for. As far as "any girl that takes that much effort to write all that out about isn't worth it"...I'm not on that page. We're at that point where it'll take more than casual effort to get it to the next level, the area a bit past "get money fuck bitches", and if it was just about fucking bitches I wouldn't be putting the time into analyzing this stuff. I could write as much about anyone I date I guess, I'd hope anyone could. Still tho, I expected "be wary" responses and I think they're definitely valid. I'm not sold on necessarily approaching her with this stuff yet, I'd probably rather chill back a bit and let her take it, and if it seems sketchy then just call it a day. Like I said in that fucking miniseries I wrote, it's important to me that she learns all this on her own. I know what I bring to the table, and I know there are plenty of girls that would appreciate it. With the other ex's thing, I'm kinda hoping she's just being emotional and trying to be poetic and is maybe truly romanticized at the idea of everyone being friends and sharing their feelings and all that and she'll find closure or whatever. But again, I'm super aware and remembering to not get in over my head. I do appreciate the heads up tho, one thing I am bad at is hanging on to something that doesn't work for way too long. Some self emotional torture concept.

[cameron-]

1.) have you talked to her about it? i think i read the whole thing but it's hard to be sure

2.) paragraph breaks bro

3.) cant wait to be fucking 21 year old beezies when im 30

[joeydonuts]

people say age doesn't matter, but that is total bs in alot of situations (inc this one) i'd say. ten years is a huge fucking difference, especially between you two. you're 31 and she's 21 - chances are she is still immature in most ways and has no idea what she really wants in a du/life in general despite what she might say to the contrary. the age diff would be fine if it was just some casual thing, but you say you're in love with her and are moving in together already (plus this is the first time she has ever lived away from her parents). i dunno, to me, it sounds like trainwreck waiting to happen. saying that, you have always seemed like a real nice du though so regardless of what happens i hope it works out for you best in the end.

Absolutely this.

I'm the same age as you and have been in what you have described above 2x. Both times ended in disaster.

Women/girls that age are impossible. They want to be with older, more mature, and established guys like yourself, but in the end, they are young and still need to be free and live, at least in my experience.

[OkayOkay]

Yea, I think...actually I know all you guys are right. I'm logical about the reality of her and I and our ages, I think I'm hoping for something that probably won't happen. Honestly, I'm not looking at getting married or whatever again, at least anytime soon, I just want to have a dedicated partner and have fun, and it'd be ideal for it to be her. It's super close with her, she's got some amazing qualities, just trying to be smart about it.

And Cameron - it is kinda awesome.

Edited March 3, 2012 by OkayOkay

[dovo]

I was actually on the other side of this at one point. Im 22 now but was actually twenty at the time and i was sort of dating this girl who was 26 with two kids. I absolutely loved being around her and we had a great time together. Everything was amazing on the surface until it actually came down to it.

Our Priorities couldn't have been anymore different. She was twenty six, she's been in a real (serious) relationship and got two wonderful kids out of it. She was on the path to settling down. She wasn't really looking into getting married again or having kids and if she was, she wanted to do it before she was thirty.

Me on the other hand, i was just turing 21. And as mature as i was, i was still very much interested in being 21. i mean

I wanted to eventually get married and have a family of my own but when i got around to being well, 26.

As much as i was into her and man oh man was i, we just weren't in the same place at the time. So we mutually parted ways.

I'm so glad we realized that before investing anymore of ourselves into a full fledged relationship. Breaking it off was probably one of the best decisions i've ever made.

Im not saying thats what you have to do because as you know, everyone is different. but Either way, you already know were all rootin for you here. I hope it works out for the best.

[AYIYI]

yo, whats the easiest way to let a lady know to hop off your nuts and get a freaking clue? I dont even like this woman or even find her remotely attractive but she just doesnt get it...its getting annoying.

Edited March 5, 2012 by AYIYI