Superawkward

[eequalsmcbrill]

^damn your whole profile persona is on point with that statement. keep up the good work.

[american_hearts]

The horse meat thing is totally a health issue though. The whole point of having standards is to know what we are eating so if, say, there is an outbreak of mad cow disease, sellers know where the tainted beef came from and can stop selling other meat that might be tainted. And it's not like the horses that are ending up in IKEA meatballs are raised to be eaten. They are in there as filler because they are cheaper than beef (which should tell you something about the relative quality of the meat from these animals), likely someone's horse from a farm or an old racehorse or something.

Horse meat is eaten in a lot of places, but it's not like the ground beef sellers were giving everyone a bonus by throwing in some old horses.

We've all read Fast Food Nation. We're eating hundreds of cows in one hamburger patty. Do you have any idea how hard it is to trace an outbreak of mad cow disease back to the source in these mass production facility scenarios? Jesus. What a fucking nightmare. Given that, who gives a fuck about an old racehorse from a risk standpoint? People just don't want to eat Seabiscuit.

I guess Babe and Charlotte's Web didn't work because pigs are too delicious.

[Spaghettini]

^I ATE MY FATHER PIG

[junglejane]

horse meat is really good

nothing like a thick juicy horse meat steak just barely singed

[Champion champs]

I was on a train today, for a couple of hours. I have been sick, recently, and was really tired. About an hour into the journey, I fell asleep, and had a sexy dream. When I woke up, to my embarrassment, I had a hard on. Some sixty year old woman was sitting beside me, too, obviously distracted (I had some stretchy trousers on). I cleared my throat, shifted around in my seat, and just looked at her. She went back to reading her book.

[phen3N]

dovo you remind me of bradley cooper in silver linings playbook, mostly cuz you don't filter your thoughts before saying them

[bacon]

walked into remote vermont rest stop bathroom behind du who proceeds to walk into a stall where there apparently was someone waiting for him, heard mad rustling and mumbling about "takin that shirt off". step back from urinal and as soon as it flushed, dead silence. quickest piss of my life

Edited April 10, 2013 by bacon

[Scais]

been suffering from allergies due to the weather. was taking a piss at a urinal when i had the urge to clear my nose. with no paper in reach i block off one nostril with on hand and blow hard to clear the other nostril. big glob of snot lands right on my dick so i waddle over to the sink to wash that shit off and as im splashing water on my dick this guy comes in and we make eye contact. he kinda looks down, takes it all in for a second and just turns around and leaves.

now i feel like that guy.

[fang]

roflmao

[vunilla]

another high school bathroom story:

so lately i've been bulking and eating a bunch of eggs/milk/etc and having the usual protein farts. anyways, i'm at school in-class chillin when all of a sudden i feel a massive fart coming on. i had a feeling it was a wet fart so i decided to take an extra precaution and use the restroom. i stroll down the halls to the bathroom and open the door. i open the one open stall and see that the toilet lid is wet. i check to see if there's any paper toilet lid covers and find none. the tp at my school is too thin so i can't use it as a cover. i can't hold this fart for any longer and decide to do something impulsive. i kick the toilet seat up at the one part of the toilet where there's barely any piss and unbutton my apcs. i go in squat postition and put my hands behind my back like i'm holding a barbell. i let it rip and this giant piece of doodoo comes out. it was huge and right on the corner of the toilet. i flush. that giant motherfucker wouldn't go down. the water wouldn't reach the edge of the toilet so the shit couldn't move with the whirlpool. i spend like 3 mins trying to get this bitch to go down and fail. fuck it, i leave, wash my hands, and see another dude enter the stall. i ran back to class and then came back during passing period and this motherfucker was still hanging there.

tldr; i shit in a toilet standing up while pretneding to squat and the poop stays there all day until the janitors clean afterschool

[olmecasteve]

^^^^^

hahaha

i like how you told us what jeans you were wearing

[vanilla wafer]

4:30 am on Easter sunday and I just dropped my friend off, who lives about 30 mins away. Suddenly my nose starts bleeding like a dang geyser and i pull off into a convenient 24 hour walgreens parking lot. No napkins in my car so I go into the walgreens, find an employee and ask, with my face all bloody and eyes all red from it being 4:30 am, if they have any napkins. I'm being all upbeat and smiling a lot so that I seem more non-threatening and less weird, but the girl helping me is just acting like, "dear god why me". Another employee walks up to see what's going on and I smile at her and she just immediately 180's and disappears to the back of the store. so this girl pulls out a roll of those awful brown cardboardy bathroom paper towels from behind the checkout counter and I grab a wad of them and say "okay I'll stop bleeding all over your store, thanks for all your help" and leave. Go back to my car and use the rearview mirror to mop up my face. I smile into the mirror and see that all of my front teeth are covered in a thick layer of spitty blood.

I drove the whole way home with a giant piece of terrible paper towel shoved up my nose

[Gatefold]

^

beats walking into a packed mcdonalds with friend, both our faces drenched in blood. we went to clean ourselves up but they didn't have any paper towel so we grabbed a bunch of mcdonalds applications to wipe the blood off

we were really drunk tho so it wasn't awkward to us, but maybe to the employees

[travisio]

I was out to dinner with these 2 girls. They were talking about family or something so I was completely spacing out (and 2-3 beers deep). I remembered these delicious bacon-wrapped shrimp I ate like a year ago so I subconsciously declared "bacon-wrapped shrimp." in a very firm tone and they immediately stopped talking and stared at me.

[Nov Spur]

That's not awkward, that's a man who knows what he wants.

EDIT: Next time shout it at the waiter from across the room.

Edited April 15, 2013 by Nov Spur

[boi]

i sweated when i was talking on the phone to the ups woman

[tombrown]

^wtf

also

Just then while I was walking out of the Hungry Jack's at the end of my suburban street, I saw this kid wearing a black perfecto with black button up, jeans and derbies. The jacket was designed nicely, like the newest TOJ DR, I don't think it was pleather - and this boy was about ten, with glowing mid-length blonde hair. I stood and stared in at him from outside the window for as long as its appropriate to stare at a young boy in a Hungry Jack's, and then I kept walking. I didn't see his parents but his sister was just wearing normal girl clothes. Excluding the shoes, this was genuinely the best outfit I have ever seen anyone wear in Brisbane. Right now as I'm writing this I'm still considering walking back up the street to see if he's still there.

[pepper davies]

Me and my girlfriend got high and wanted to go on a walk through the neighborhood because it was a nice night. We were walking around and I saw a Bugatti Veyron across the street. I went over and started taking pictures of it because I'm super stoned. About 5 minutes later I walk back over to my girlfriend after taking probably 50 pictures and she tells me that the dude was in the car just staring at me looking peeved out. Didn't realize, but fuckit man he has a million dollar car whatever.

Edited April 21, 2013 by ADH92

[thatoneguy1]

post picture

[reedobandito]

Oh man so I've been on like a crazy 3-day drinking binge, just starting in the middle of the day and drinking til past 3 every night, and today I had brunch with a very attractive friend I hadn't seen in like 5 years (whom I used to have a major crush on), and it took everything in my power not to puke on/around her. I was so hung over and had a panic attack and kept having to run to the bathroom to freak out by myself (puked once too), it was so fucking embarrassing.

Guessing it'll probably be at least another 5 years before she thinks about hanging out with me again ugh

[Nov Spur]

Nah man, she probably just thinks you had better things to do on a Saturday night than prepare for brunch with her.

[merry burger]

A classmate of mine recently reminded me that he and I met at a blood drive at our school under some unusual circumstances. I'd just donated blood, and the guy from the blood bank whose sole job it is is to lead you from your cot to the table with snacks and juice was this little furry Filipino man with giant glasses who gave off this really frenetic, horny, sweaty vibe - smiling with too much teeth showing, laughing hysterically like a crazy person over nothing, hands jammed in his pockets too tight as though holding onto sanity for dear life/furiously pushing down a nervous boner.

He walked me over to the table covered in Lorna Doone cookies and Welsch's fruit snacks and offered to show me how to fold a dollar bill into a t-shirt. As an Asian girl, I of course know how to do this already, and told him so.

Him: "Oh... well, um, do you want to, um, hear a joke? Hehehee!"

Me: "Sure."

Him: "Uhhh.... how do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?"

Me: "How?"

Him: (whispering) "Just pick it up and give it a blow job!!!"

I looked around incredulously, wondering if this guy was indeed a blood bank person or just a crazy person that walked in off the street. I laughed and then immediately started talking to another kid sitting at the snack table to disengage from the conversation with the blood bank guy.

Him: "...Hey! You should give me your email address so I can send you more of my jokes! Hey!"

[CSK]

so did you give it to him? i wanna hear more jokes

[wahwho11]

fold a dollar bill into a t-shirt. As an Asian girl, I of course know how to do this already

-_____-

[CronutEh]

I accidentally followed okonomi while my girlfriend's tumblr was still logged on instead of mine and he hit on her

meet me outside uniqlo motherfucker

[Magsåvningsreserven]

f he sai 2 u(r gf)?

[ninetynine]

this page is getting good

[goki]

I'm walking downtown with my friend yesterday, coming back from the skatepark. it's about 8 30 pm and we're walking down the street carrying our boards under our arm. there's a good number of people out, and it's a nice pleasant night.

we're just making casual conversation when we see amongst the throng of white college girls this homeless man wearing a hooded parka and probably two or three other hooded sweatshirts struggling to keep control of this large dog that's just yanking him down the sidewalk from half a block away. He's just knocking into all of these people as he makes his way down the street.

we move to the other side to prepare to allow him to pass, and as he's coming up to us, he stares at my friend and I and mumbles something that sounds like "let me hold you some money" with this big scowl on his face,and my friend instinctively says "sorry man, no change". the guy stops walking with the dog which takes him a whole lot of physical effort and says, "no, no, let me show you". My friend starts trying to walk away and the guy goes "no, wait, please" and yanks up his jacket sleeves exposing the inside of his forearm to us. "Look man, look!" he says, staring intently at us.

"what..?" my friend says, trying to inch away.

"Look!"

I look and it's a tattoo of a skull with two crossed skateboards in the back of it with the text "I WILL SKATE UNTIL I DIE" written in a circle around it. "I-I just wanted to show you", he stutters, smiling proudly for a second before hastily covering his arm again and furrowing his brow. "I skate, man... until I die! Skaters forever, man! I'm a skater too, but right now, you know, I'm watching this dog..." he fervently nods to the beast jumping around at the end of his ragged leash, while not breaking eye contact from us.

"for sure, that's cool dude-"

"I wanted to show you because.. you know man, it's all about SKATERS, MAN! FOREVER! UNTIL I DIE, MAN!" his voice gets increasingly louder through the last part of that until he's shouting . He finally stops looking at us to glance around angrily at the rest of the public.

then he suddenly stops talking and without another word the dog pulls him away down the street.

there's some weird people downtown

[Fycus]

Kinda feel like I dodged a pressure cooker!!

Too soon bro, too soon.

[el_Ronn]

I'm walking downtown with my friend yesterday, coming back from the skatepark. it's about 8 30 pm and we're walking down the street carrying our boards under our arm. there's a good number of people out, and it's a nice pleasant night.

we're just making casual conversation when we see amongst the throng of white college girls this homeless man wearing a hooded parka and probably two or three other hooded sweatshirts struggling to keep control of this large dog that's just yanking him down the sidewalk from half a block away. He's just knocking into all of these people as he makes his way down the street.

we move to the other side to prepare to allow him to pass, and as he's coming up to us, he stares at my friend and I and mumbles something that sounds like "let me hold you some money" with this big scowl on his face,and my friend instinctively says "sorry man, no change". the guy stops walking with the dog which takes him a whole lot of physical effort and says, "no, no, let me show you". My friend starts trying to walk away and the guy goes "no, wait, please" and yanks up his jacket sleeves exposing the inside of his forearm to us. "Look man, look!" he says, staring intently at us.

"what..?" my friend says, trying to inch away.

"Look!"

I look and it's a tattoo of a skull with two crossed skateboards in the back of it with the text "I WILL SKATE UNTIL I DIE" written in a circle around it. "I-I just wanted to show you", he stutters, smiling proudly for a second before hastily covering his arm again and furrowing his brow. "I skate, man... until I die! Skaters forever, man! I'm a skater too, but right now, you know, I'm watching this dog..." he fervently nods to the beast jumping around at the end of his ragged leash, while not breaking eye contact from us.

"for sure, that's cool dude-"

"I wanted to show you because.. you know man, it's all about SKATERS, MAN! FOREVER! UNTIL I DIE, MAN!" his voice gets increasingly louder through the last part of that until he's shouting . He finally stops looking at us to glance around angrily at the rest of the public.

then he suddenly stops talking and without another word the dog pulls him away down the street.

there's some weird people downtown

he's not awkward

you are