Jokes / Movie Lines - That are funny.

[englandmj7]

Post a fucking joke or else.

Oh, you want to post stupid pictures instead? *smack*! *smack*!

Crying now heh? Funny isn't it? Fuck you..........

Joke:

This guy's in a corner store, buying a jug of milk. the cashier is a rather exceptionally hot woman with a rather decent rack that she doesn't seem ashamed to present. The guy buys the milk and is given a dime in change, and he asks the cashier, 'Can I get this in two nipples?... NICKELS!'

Completely mortified, the guy leaves the store. On his way out, someone who was inside with him says 'ah, no worries about that man. I have Freudian slips like that all the time. Yesterday during breakfast, I meant to say to my wife, "Pass the salt, dear" but instead I accidentally said "YOU STUPID BITCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE!"'

The lion was feeling his oats one day as he went wandering through the jungle. Before long, he came upon a monkey. "Who's the king of the jungle?" he thundered. "Y-y-you are," the monkey stammered in reply. The lion walked on until he came to a gazelle. "Who's the king of the jungle?" the lion shouted. "You are, lion," the gazelle replied, and the lion walked on.

Soon the lion encountered an elephant. "Who's the king of the jungle?" the lion shouted once again. Whereupon the elephant grabbed the lion with his trunk, swung him around, and repeatedly pounded the poor lion against a tree. Finally, he flung the lion into a shallow stream. "Okay, okay," the lion said. "Just because you don't know the answer is no reason to get upset."

Movie Quote:

Karl: I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car, you should have had some.

Eric: Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you.

Karl: I'm sorry.

Eric: Well, "sorry" doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Karl?

[englandmj7]

[notesee]

Movie Quote:

Frank Booth: What kind of beer do you like to drink, neighbor?

Jeffrey Beaumont: Heineken.

Frank Booth: Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!

[sunny]

Yuri Orlov: I've tasted your food, you're no fucking chef. I can eat there for free and I still don't eat there.

Vitaly Orlov: Fuck you.

[Ahlvahroe]

i thought your first joke was going to be a different one, i thought it was this one.

There was a lady that was at the checkout at the grocery store and the clerk was scanning her items. Single serve soup, small salad, tv dinner for 1, personal frozen pizza. Then the clerk looks at her and says 'so you're single,' 'how do you know' replies the lady. The clerk looks and her and says 'CAUSE YOU'RE FUCKIN UGLY'.

[evisu 2000]

a little girl is nearing her birthday and full of childish excitement she runs into the living room and says to her father "dad, dad! it's my birthday soon! guess how old i'm going to be!"

"why darling you're going to be 6 soon! how could i ever forget that?"

the little girl runs into the kitchen full of beans and see's grandad sitting at the kitchen table. "grandad, grandad! it's my birthday soon! guess how old i'm going to be!"

"well to answer that i need you to lift up your skirt"

so the little girl lifts up her skirt and grandad slips two fingers into her knickers, pulls them out, sniffs then licks his fingers! "you're going to be 6" says the old man.

"however did you know that grandad?" asks the little girl.

"i heard you talking to your father in the front room"

[Oldboy]

Why did so many black soldiers die in Vietnam?

Whenever someone shouted "Get Down", they would all start dancing.

[djrajio]

What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?

Ba-na-na-Na!

[onemancult]

So, this little boy is walking to the park all by himself, he finally convinced his mom he was grown up enough to take the three block trip on his own...

an old man in a beat up grey car pulls up beside the boy and gets him to stop, waves

him down and over to the passenger side of the car. the kid knows he shouldn't, but he sees that it is an old man, and assumes he'll be fine...

the old man holds up a bag of candy, all of this kid's favorites, and says, "hey, hey kid, i'll give you a piece of candy if you come in my car."

the kid looks at him all funny, and leans back for a minute, then leans back in, and looks the dirty old man right in the eye, and says:

"shit mister, for that whole bag of candy, i'll come in your mouth!"

[fndmybetterhalf]

so this guy gets pulled over the other day for doing 70 in a 35, and an officer pulls him over. When he gets to the window, he exclaims "why the hell were you doing 70, i could mark you up for reckless driving!" Calmly, the driver looks up and says "Sorry officer, I just really hate my job and wanted to get home as soon as possible." Curiously, the officer asks him what he does that would make him hate his job so much. The driver replies "I stretch assholes for a living." Sensing confusion from the officer, he explains "I just use this tool, to stretch them about 6 feet." In disbelief the officer looks down and asks "And what would you do with a six foot asshole??"

"Well sir, usually you give them a badge and a gun"

[GoodHustle]

What did the cannibal get when he arrived late to thanksgiving dinner?

The cold shoulder!

[artificialsky]

england's first one is on point, i'm stealing.

here's my contribution....

two arabs decide to immigrate to america, when they arrive in the states they split up and go their seperate ways, but before they do so they agree to meet back up in a year to decide who has become more americanized. so a year passes and the two arabs meet each other again.

the first guy goes "well, after this i'm going to pick my son up from baseball practice, then i think me and the family will go get dinner at mcdonalds, and when i get home i think i'll watch some nfl football. how about you?"

the second guy says, "FUCK YOU, TOWELHEAD!"

[__3xL]

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"

[doctorgnar]

Guy walks into the kitchen. His wife is leaned over the sink doing dishes. He clears his throat, so she turns and notices that he's holding a live duck.

"See honey, this is the pig I've been fucking," he says.

"That's not a pig, that's a duck," says his wife.

He looks shocked and replies, "I wasn't talkin' to you!"

[kauflust]

A British general is sent out to a military base in some remote Middle Eastern country. As one of the locals shows him around - where to eat, where to sleep, etc - the general realizes that he really is in the middle of nowhere. As the local concludes the tour, the general leans in and asks, "So where do all them go to, you know, relieve some sexual tension?"

The local looks at him and points up to a small blue tent on top of a hill, "Well sir, the men usually go over there, where's inside is the cutest camel you've ever se-"

"Shut the fuck up," the general barks. "That's fucking disgusting and I don't want to hear any more."

A few months later of nothing but sand and soldiers and sun, the general is feeling pretty horny at this point. He siddles up to the local who'd taken him around earlier and says, "I was wondering, uh, when I can use the, uh, camel."

The local looks at him, whips out a datebook and looks at it. "There's a free period this Saturday between one and three."

"OK," says the general.

On Saturday, the general scurries up to the blue tent, making sure no one notices him. Inside the tent is a young camel that is, the general admits grudgingly, the cutest camel he's ever seen. He positions himself behind the camel, drops his pants, and starts to hump away. The camel doesn't seem fazed, and this excites him even more. He's so into it however, that he doesn't notice the tent flaps open and a bunch of soldier including the local come in. "Sir!" the local exclaims, "What are you doing?"

"Using the camel," the general grunts without stopping.

"Sir," the local says, "When the other men use the camel, they usually just ride the camel into town to visit the brothel."

[red]

dudley: theres a dent in that taxi.

from royal tenenbaums.

[x_x_undefeated_x_x]

"Vous prenez un whisky ?

-Ho juste un doigt

-Vous voulez pas un whisky dabord ?"

[GiZMO]

"PC load letter"? What the fuck does that mean?

[x_x_undefeated_x_x]

lol it is from a french movie, i don't really want to translate... if you can read french, enjoy it, if not, i am sorry...

[breams]

A bear and a rabbit are sitting next to each other taking a shit in the forest. The bear turns over to the rabbit and asks, "Hey, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" "No." the rabbit responds. So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

[arem]

A bear and a rabbit are sitting next to each other taking a shit in the forest. The bear turns over to the rabbit and asks, "Hey, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" "No." the rabbit responds. So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Just watched Eddie Murphy Raw, huh?

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "You got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartender says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

[mellowbonsai]

how many freuds does it take to screw in a penis

I MEAN LIGHT BULB

[broneck]

you know how i know you're gay? your dick tastes like shit.

[broneck]

Obviously. Yeah, hello, this is RST Video, customer number 4352, I need to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: "Whispers in the Wind", "To Each His Own", "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "All Tit-Fucking Volume 8", "I Need Your Cock", "Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers", "My Cunt Needs Shafts", "Cum Clean", "Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts", "Cum Buns III", "Cumming in Socks", "Cum On Eileen", "Huge Black Cocks and Pearly White Cum", "Girls Who Crave Cock", "Girls Who Crave Cunt", "Men Alone II: the KY Connection", "Pink Pussy Lips", and, uh, oh yeah, "All Holes Filled with Hard Cock". Uh-huh... yeah... Oh, wait, and, what was that called again?

[sybaritical]

^ Gotta love Randal.

Gotta laugh at Michael Cane in Zulu as well, though:

"Stop chucking, your bloody spears, at me"

[Francis Begbie]

I'm not talking about a bunch of queens that know a few grapples. I'm talking about Polaks with no futures. Shit will get real.

[sunny]

Put that coffee down!

Coffee is for closers.