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dear ... [an open letter]


haptronic

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dear helen,

i think you're truly the closest thing i've ever had to a best friend. i'm sorry for that period of time that i hella avoided you while you were in your last semester at ucsc. i appreciate that even though we're both really busy now that you have your career going and i'm stuck with school and work that we can still hang out. karaoketime is the absolute best. it's really always fun. staying up for 36 hours straight for no reason, shopping, talking shit, and stupid inside jokes, whatever. and even though you shop at forever 21, i will let it slide. because we're pams. and we can sing all the tracks on the queen greatest hits album.

fondly,

samantha.

58CJih1iYC0

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dear faggot on the elevator,

don't press 5 goddamn buttons before you after arriving on the first floor when you know very well that people are about to walk in as you exit. you're 23+ years old working the same job i am.

grow the fuck up.

-dark

dear certain sufu posters (i think you know who you are ;) ),

you make my day each post that you make.

i love finding new posts and laughing my ass off at them or being quite astounded by them.

plz dont stop.

<3 always,

julz

i know this isn't me but i'm going to pretend it is

thanks

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dear supertalk

goodbye jetsetters and grown folks

hello private schoolers who learned to wear raf on the internet

i guess young blood is young blood to you, jezebel :(

i still like you even though you let the teenagers take over

ben

I'm still here.

My jet setting abilities have vastly diminished post-financial meltdown, but s'all good baby I'm still cooler than Freddie Jackson sippin a milkshake.

What's good with those akDPhi hoes, they coulda saved Cho Seung Hui's life.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

dear jessica,

so what, we're friends now? we don't talk for 2 months and all of a sudden we're texting like we're dating again? Cuz you're not with the other dude?

I got what i needed. You told me you care for me. You're not with him anymore. You hate san jose just as much as i do. I heard what i needed to....but why do i feel like shit?

i dont want to date you at all. My stomach sinks everytime i get a text from you. But i still think of you all the time. This is the closure i needed but instead of closure, it feels like its starting all over again. You are an awesome person and i would like you in my life. But this is so weird. Why do you text me every day? You cant honestly want to be friends with me after the convo 2 months ago. What do you want?

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its not that easy tho. We dated for like 3 years and have been broken up for only 5 months. I dont think she wants to get back with me but i also cant figure out why she contacts me so much. She says she misses hanging out with me and my friends and wants to go out for persian food n drinks.

im in a bad place. I dont want anything to do with her relationship wise but dont want to ignore her cuz i still have feelings for her. I just have a feeling that this wont end well

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/\ truth

up until last week (when she started contacting me) i was completely over her. Fuck her. I wont let myself get into it.

Its funny, all my friends come to me for relationship advice and here i am brooding over a bitch. Not my style

Dear zubin,

Burn bridges if necessary.

Best,

Jayrock

thats what i did 2 months ago. Basically imagine every negative thing you have noted about someone for 3 years and having a convo telling that person to fuck off. It was cathartic

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She says she misses hanging out with me and my friends and wants to go out for persian food n drinks.

im in a bad place. I dont want anything to do with her relationship wise but dont want to ignore her cuz i still have feelings for her. I just have a feeling that this wont end well

now is not the time to talk to her zubin. you got a couple of more months before you can even think of just hanging out. it's like painting your nails thinking your nails are dry when they're not. well i guess this doesn't apply for supergays.

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Dear Superfuture,

I read through you for entertainment. Drama doesn't follow me; I don't allow it to. As such, I come to you to satisfy my cravings for drama.

And to Laura, I still remember your story about how the heel on your pair of $5 high heels broke while you were walking in the streets. You tripped, and then recalled that this also happens in Korean dramas. Thank you for letting me know that dramatic situations happen in real life, because my life is decidedly boring.

Love,

Ted.

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Dear French Exchange Bitch that wears Dior and puts on too much makeup,

I saw you checking me out today, up-and-down, head-to-toe. I avoided eye contact with you because I've seen you being passed around the French guys. I have no doubt that you've sucked all the French cock in this building with the possible exception of that fat guy that rides the bike. I will have no affiliation with you.

Sincerely,

Ted.

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dear young lady in my sociology class that hits on me,

i have a girlfriend, no thanks. and even if i was single, no thanks. it's not that you're ugly, i just find your face awful....okay so i do find you ugly, sorry. keep trying though, it entertains the hell out of me,

sincerely,

scott m.

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dear young girl at the gym,

you talk to other people who i have confirmed are seniors in high school. This makes you either 18 or on the verge of 18. Whats up? You gonna keep lookin forever or do i have to step up?

Zubin

_______________________________________________________

Dear New Girl at the gym,

Thank you for doing push-ups and reverse crunches right in front of me in the stretch-zone. Seriously, spandex is good to you. I did those chin-ups cuz i know you were looking. See, this is a mutually beneficial relationship. See you tonight ;)

Zubin

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  • 2 months later...

dear braxton,

I miss you so fucking much. I really regret not getting with you while I had the chance. Well, I did get with you but i regret not furthering the relationship :c. Sorry i was drunk but thank you so much for saving me. You're the nicest guy I've ever met and as sure as I am that you're ok right now and you need this i just really want you to come home right now. Right now.

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dear tim,

dude, it's been like forever. i know i wasn't the best of friend to you, but i was young then and didn't know much about being a good friend. i mean, dude you were spoiled as fuck (only child concept) and i never got as much shit as you so i guess jealousy got the best of me. well anyway, i've been going through some ups-n-downs but overall i'm doing good. as you know, we're about to graduate next year and become grown men and do something positive with our lives. no homo, but sometimes i wonder if you even acknowledge my existence anymore since its been about 4th or 5th grade since we last spoke. i heard you moved away, that's cool. umm, so yeah, stay up bro - i wish you much success in all your future endeavors, and possibly we might bump into each other one day.

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