dirty jokes thread.

[Ahlvahroe]

a girl goes into a sex shop and tells the salesman that she has some money to spend and is looking for the biggest dildo that they carry.

The guy first pulls out this pink one, and says that its $50, she says its ok but its not what she wanted.

Then he brings out a bigger white one for $100, which she again turns down.

Finally he brings out the biggest model they carry which is $200, and she says its stilll not what i had in mind.

Later,she asks how much for that massive red and green one behind the counter, the salesman says that its the last one they have of those but she have take it for $400, and she agrees, and leaves with a huge smile on her face.

Later that day the store manager comes in and asks the salesman how has it been. The salesman responds by saying I have good and bad news.

The bad is that he has not sold a thing for the store the whole day, the good news is that he sold his thermos for $400.

[m1sterko]

lame bbut...

what did the lesbian vampire say to the other vampire?

~ see you next month

[Lucas]

Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?

A. Clitty litter

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?

A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

[Lucas]

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing.

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!

[julzkind]

there were 3 men working in an arab grocery store and one day the owner cant be there that day and tells them that his beautiful daughter will supervise while hes gone.

obviously not trusting the men, before he leaves, he somehow makes his daughter put a razor up her own pussy in case the guys try to fuck her. and he will then know who to trust and like, not kill.

so the guys have their shifts and at the end of the day the owner comes back and talks to them individually. he makes guy #1 pull down his pants and sees his dick is cut. hes fired. he makes guy #2 pull down his pants--cut, fired. he makes guy #3 pull down his pants and sees that his dick isnt cut.

owner tells guy #3 hes the best worker ever and hes so glad he didnt let him down and that hes getting a promotion. guy #3 responds: "SHLANK YOUS SHLOW MUSH SHIR!"

edit: im high as fuck so i dont know if i wrote that out correctly. sry. enjoy.

[emilo]

A guy comes into the doctor's office, pulls off his hat, revealing a frog stuck to his head. The doctor asks him: "Wow, how long have you had this sir?" "Well it started as a haemoroid." The frog answers.

[ProfMonnitoff]

why do italians have red eyes when they have an orgasm

from the pepper spray

[dfaus]

not the greatest joke but the only one I could come up with as of now...

A proctologist walks into a bank to cash a check. The teller asks:

teller: "could you sign here please?"

the proctologist puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out a thermometer, immediately looking confused.

teller: "what's wrong?"

proctologist: "some asshole's got my pen!"

[Guest mac81586]

Why does miss piggy clean her pussy with lemons and lime?

Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

[mrchariybrown]

One morning 2 priests head to the showers and it isn't until they are already in the shower they both realize they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap, he checks out the hallway, no one around so rather than get dressed he decides to make a run for it.

He checks the hall before heading back to the showers,all clear, so he makes a break for it. Just as he turns the corner to the showers he spots three nuns walking towards him. With no where to go he stands perfectly still, holding the 2 bars of soap hoping the nuns will think he's a statue.

The nuns approach, "oh my look at that, isn't that the most life like statue you've ever seen?" the first asks. She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's weenie. Startled he drops the 1st bar of soap. "oh heaven's she exclaims I got a bar of soap".

The 2nd nun amazed at how realistic the statue looks steps closer and again, a couple of yanks of the priest's weenie and he drops the other bar of soap "my goodness. I got a bar of soap too".

The nun's can't believe it. The 3rd nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to it and gives a couple of tugs to the priest's weenie "my God this is amazing" she says "I got hand soap!"

[Lloyd]

OK so a binman is taking out the bins at a chinese restaurant. He knocks on the door and the owner comes down and says "harro".

so, he replies "where's your bin?"

"I bin on the toilet"

"no, sorry, where's your dustbin?"

"I dust bin on the toilet, having a shit"

"no, sorry, you don't understand, where's your wheely bin?"

"oh ok ok I wheely bin having a wank"

[phucccer]

[thescott]

what do you get when you stab a baby 25 times in the head with a fork?

an erection

(kinda like nesks' but whatever...)

how do you get 1000 babies into a bowl?

a blender.

How do you get em out?

tortilla chips.

[ProfMonnitoff]

How is a woman like a bucket of KFC?

Once you eat the breasts and thighs, all that's left is a greasy bucket to put your bone in.

[selaviso]

i dont know if anyone said this one but im gunna say it anyways (and naw i didnt check if it was cuz who cares really haha)

how long does it take for a baby's head to explode in a microwave?

i dont know i was too busy jacking off.

[incob123]

How do you stop a baby from crawling around and around and around, in circles?

Nail its other hand to the floor.

[evisu 2000]

a little girl runs to her father on her birthday and says, "daddy, daddy, guess how old i am today."

humouring her he says, "i don't know, honey, how old are you?"

she replies, "i'm six!"

"that's great! go tell your grandpa" he tells her.

the girl runs into the living room and again shouts, "grandpa, grandpa, guess how old i am today."

he says "ok, take off your knickers and i'll tell you."

she does and he sticks his fingers inside her, sniffs them, and says, "you're six today."

she asks him, "how did you know that?"

he replies, "i heard you talking to your dad."

[surfed57]

A man went to see his doctor.

“You need to stop masturbating,” the doctor said to him.

The man asked, “Why's that doctor?”

The doctor replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

[hermbros]

So one time I was railing this chick as hard as I could. We were going at it for a long while and all of a sudden she stops.

I'm like, "Baby, why are you stopping?"

and she responds, "How do you spell pedophile?"

and I reprimand her, "That's an awfully big word for a 6 year old."

[freecat]

i heard that one from an englishman.

what's the difference between necrophilia and incest ?

necrophilia is dead boring

incest is relatively boring

sorry if you all already knew it.

[jlow]

A little girl walks into her mother showering and sees her mums vagina. Confused she asks her mum, 'Mummy, whats that?' Her mum smiles at her and says 'its a vagina'. The little girl then asks, 'when will i get one?' The mother replies 'when you grow older my dear'.

The next day the little girl walks into her father showering and see his penis. 'Whats that?' she asks her dad. 'Why its a penis' her father replies. 'When will i get one' asks the little girl. The father smiles and says

'As soon as your mum leaves'

[Joshua James Barry]

How many jews can you fit in a volkswagen?

2 in front, 3 in the back and 6 million in the ashtray.

What do you call 5 aboriginals sitting in the back of a ute / pick up truck running through a red light camera ?

Family portrait.

[mrchariybrown]

.. shared a bunk bed together.

one night, the guy on the top bed brings home a girl.

they want to fuck but his roommate is already on the bottom bunk..

so the guy comes up with code words to use during sex so his roommate doesn't think he's fucking right above him..

he tells the girl, "if you want it faster, say tomato. and if you want it harder, say lettuce"

so they're fucking away and the girl starts screaming "tomato, tomato TOMATO!"

"lettuce... LETTUCE!"

all of a sudden the guy on the bottom bunk says "will you two stop making sandwiches up there! you're getting mayo all over my face"

[leway]

two kids are sat on a bus and one says to the other;

what do you do if an epileptic is having a fit in a bath?

The other say, I dunno what?

The first kids says, you throw your washing in :]

They start laughing but then a man turns and says

OI. My epileptic daughter died in the bath,

she choked on a sock.

[Mr HaGa]

what's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and Sarah Palin's cunt?

Only one retarded thing ever came out of her cunt.

[Mr HaGa]

Hillbilly is fucking his sister.

He: Wow, sis, you fuck just like mom.

She: I know, that's what daddy says.

[camc]

What's harder than nailing a baby to a fence?

My dick while I'm doing it.

[Kodiak]

What's harder than nailing a baby to a fence?

My dick while I'm doing it.

[playdisonlyatnight]

Dirtiest joke I can think of:

FIVE white horses fall in a mud puddle

[gfunkdocta]

what's hot pink and rotating?

a baby in a microwave