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Guest chemi

430 Things Which White People Like... (from philaflava.com)

1. 1% milk

2. 101.9 fm

3. A False Sense of Security

4. Actually dressing according to the season/weather

5. Adopting Korean kids

6. A good cry

7. Alan Thicke

8. Alicia Keys

9. Alpha Dog

10. Alphabetical Order

11. American Apparel

12. American flag magnets

13. Ampersands

14. Ample parking

15. Ananda Lewis

16. Animals indigenous to Africa

17. Antiquing

18. Any band whose name starts with The

19. Aqua socks

20. Artichokes

21. Asian women

22. Atmosphere

23. Automated Tie Racks

24. Aviator Sunglasses

25. Baby Wipes

26. Baby seals

27. Backpacking through Europe after they graduate from college

28. Bacon

29. Bagpipes

30. Baked pineapple

31. Ballet lessons for the daughter

32. Bandannas

33. Band t-shirts with the tour dates printed on the back

34. Banisters

35. Banks

36. Barack Obama

37. Being "mutlicultural"

38. Being Zest fully clean

39. Being able to make a point without hand gestures

40. Being called "nigga" by Black Rob or M.O.P

41. Being called sir or ma'am by black waiters/bouncers

42. Being interviewed by Chris Hanson

43. Being unafraid of water that goes over their heads

44. Being vegetarian/vegan idiots

45. Big Ty

46. Bill O Reilly

47. Black-on-black crime

48. Black chicks (as long as dad doesn't find out)

49. Blazers

50. Bleu Cheese

51. Blogging about blogging about Space Raps

52. Blonde hair

53. Bob Evans

54. Bob Ross

55. Bobby McFerrin

56. Boot/sneakers or sneaker/boots

57. Bragging about how cool Woodstock was

58. Bread pudding

59. Brett Favre

60. Bukkake Porn

61. Bumper Stickers

62. Butterscotch

63. Buying Friends DVD Box Sets

64. Buying houses in Ohio

65. Buying their kids color-coordinated notebooks for school

66. CBS

67. CNN

68. Calling people "buddy"

69. Canada

70. Capable Kel's Howie Long/Simon from American Idol hairdoo

71. Car Shoes Without Socks

72. Carrot cake

73. Catching feelings on forums

74. Celebrity golf tournaments

75. Celine Dion

76. Certificates of Deposit

77. Certified Mail

78. Cheese

79. Child leashes

80. Christmas

81. Christmas lights

82. Cigars which still have tobacco in them

83. Coffee Ice Cream

84. Coffee Mugs With Uplifting Slogans

85. Columbus Day

86. Commercials for Buzz Ballads

87. Commercials for The Rascal

88. Common (but only the stuff he made with that "uppity but talented negro Kayne West")

89. Company picnics

90. Compulsive lying on the internet about being "a writer" despite the fact you can't post a simple one paragraph post without at least 2 edits and you were rejected by NYU and NCU for being a dumb mick with social anxiety disorder

91. Cops and Firemen

92. Copywrite

93. Corey Feldman and Corey Haim

94. Costco

95. Country kitchens

96. Creamy peanut butter

97. Crocs

98. Cul De Sacs

99. Curtain Shopping

100. Customized Teddy Bears

101. Cut-Off Cargo Shorts

102. Dave Matthews Band

103. Demi-Glace

104. Denying the wet dog smell

105. Direct deposits

106. Dirk

107. Divorce

108. Docksiders

109. Dog grooming

110. Dogs

111. Dr. Scholl's products

112. Dusting

113. EHarmony.com

114. Eating at the dining room table

115. Eating ethic food like Italian Ice

116. Eating people

117. Eating pussy

118. Egg nog

119. Envying their neighbor's lawn

120. Espousing pride in Irish ancestry

121. Extremely Light Gardening

122. Extreme sports

123. Facial creme

124. Fake tits

125. Family Circus

126. Febreze Baths

127. Feeding the birds

128. Feeling that they know more about hip hop than other races in general and are its true defenders

129. Finlandia Berry Fusion and Sugar Free Red Bull

130. Fishing (from a Boat)

131. Flavored coffee creamers like Hazelnut or Vanilla Chai

132. Fleeces, and calling fleeces "fleecies"

133. Flipping off cameras in clubs with "tough looks" on their faces

134. Flyfishing

135. Folding towels that belong to them

136. Food Network

137. Fox Hunting

138. Free red-bull as a perk of the job

139. Frequent Flyer Miles

140. Fruit without bruises

141. Funkadelic (but not Parliament)

142. Gangsta rap even though they're too scared to go to the hood

143. General elections

144. Getting a booth at a restaurant instead of a table

145. Getting pulled over by cops and how noticing how nice they are compared to when your with black people

146. Gifs

147. Gilmore Girls

148. Glade Plug-In Air Fresheners

149. Globes

150. Go-gurt

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#24

When a white person offers you wine, you take a small sip and then say “ooh, that’s nice. What country is it from?” then they will say the name of the country and you say “I love wines from that country, I would love to get a villa in the wine region there.” White people will nod in agreement as they all want to have a second home in a wine region like Napa, Tuscany or Santa Barbara.

It is also a good idea to say that your favorite wine is from a small winery called [make up name like ‘Spotswood,’ ‘Red Duck,’ Random Spanish name] in [Australia, Argentina, France, California, or Chile] that is hard to get in whatever country you are in. White people will be impressed that they have not heard of this wine and consider you to be a very smart person. They will also make a note to try to find that wine, and when they can’t find it, your status will rise even higher.

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^^ some penis at a restaurant in cambridge managed to make himself sound like an absolute wanker when talking about the wine he enjoyed.

i.e.

"I've been enjoying Dancing Bull from california lately..."

"Hmm, it's alright, I try to avoid wines with stupid names."

"Oh, yeah, um...I've been drinking a lot of old world italian wine's too, amarone in Particular."

"Hmm, I'm alright with them, I find them very old fashioned and none too exciting, have you tried Chilean wines?"

Oh yes, allow me to rush back to your restaurant where I will be heckled.

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HA!!!

Juno, starring Halifax’s Ellen Page, is a critically acclaimed comedy about a wise cracking teenager, dealing with an unexpected pregnancy. As 2007’s Indie hit, it is alternative mainstream and white people love it when low budget movies do well, even though the $7 million budget is enough to feed thousands of villages in East Africa for a year. White people, especially ones over 30, also love movies that take them back to a time when there was zero hip hop influence in white high schools. So although the character of Juno and her high school are very unrealistic, older people identify with her and wish that their unappreciative children would be more like her. On another note, the film takes place in a fictional suburban town in Minnesota, but imagine the same storyline in say West Baltimore or Socorro, TX. My guess is that there would be less qurkiness, less acoustic guitar and zero references to Dario Argento. Teen pregnancy is not as big a problem in the suburban midwest as it is in urban centers or border towns, therefore it is acceptable to not only green light a movie shedding light on teen pregnancy but it is okay to laugh at the situation and add a killer indie soundtrack.

It also doesn’t hurt that the screenplay was written by somebody named “Diablo” and that Jason Bateman and Michael Cera are in the movie as well.

p.s I’m not a robot, I cried when Vanessa got her baby.

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The love affair between white people and old stuff literally goes back for hundreds of years. In the older days, it was almost exclusively contained within the realm of furniture. While white people still love antiques, they don’t always fit so well with a modern lifestyle and kitchen.

Beginning in their late teens, white people begin an obsession with finding cool vintage clothing at local thrift shops and Goodwills. Making purchases at these locations address a number of white person needs.

First, it allows them to say “oh, this? I got this shirt at Goodwill for $3.†This statement focuses the attention on the shirt, taking attention away from the $350 jeans and $200 shoes. The white person can then retain that precious ‘indie’ cred.

continued...

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White people love Wes Anderson movies more than they love their kids. If a white guy takes a white girl to a Wes Anderson movie on their first date, and neither of them have seen it, they will immediately commence a relationship that is reflected in songs by Ryan Adams and Bright Eyes. Wes Anderson movies have this way of being sort of funny and a little clever, so white people in the audience will laugh like crazy. Also, if they don’t get the joke and other white people start laughing, they’ll all join in. It’s pretty much the case that if one dude with glasses laughs, the entire theater will be in stitches within 15 seconds.

If you find yourself in a situation with a white person, and an awkard silence falls over you. Mention any of the movies below and you will have something to talk about, and they will like you. Here are some approved comments:

  1. The Darjeeling Limited (2007) “It’s so great to see that he’s back, Owen Wilson is just fantastic.â€
  2. Hotel Chevalier (2007) “Can you believe Natalie Portman got kind of naked?â€
  3. The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004) “I know a lot of people said they didn’t like this film, but I thought it was fantastic.†(Note: it is acceptable to be critical of this movie).
  4. The Royal Tenenbaums (2001) “This movie changed my life.â€
  5. Rushmore (1998) “This is when Bill Murray really changed in my eyes, he’s so fantastic in the movie, and Jason Schwartzman is a true star.â€
  6. Bottle Rocket (1996) “I saw this movie in 1994″

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I can hear an african american Jerry Seinfeld doing this whole routine...it's all so obvious and clear, but it becomes more hilarious because the audience is all going

"HAHAHAHA ITS SO TRUE, WE DO DO THAT!!!"

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i hate this

marathons

in life, there are certain milestones of physical activity that can define you. A sub 5 second 40 yard dash, a 40 inch vertical leap and so forth. To a white person, the absolute pinnacle of fitness is to run a marathon. Not to win, just to run.

White people will train for months, telling everyone who will listen about how they get up early in the morning, they run when it rains, how it makes them feels so great and gives them energy.

When they finish the marathon, they will generally take a photo of themselves in a pair of New Balance sneakers, running shorts, and their marathon number with both hands over their head in triumph (seriously, look it up, this is universal).

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If you want to understand white people, you need to understand indie music. As mentioned before, white people hate anything that’s “mainstream†and are desperate to find things that are more genuine, unique, and reflective of their experiences. Fortunately, they have independent music.

A white person’s iPod (formerly CD collection) is not merely an assemblage of music that they enjoy. It is what defines them as a person. They are always on the look out for the latest hot band that no one has heard of so that one day, they can hit it just right and be into a band BEFORE they are featured in an Apple commercial. To a white person, being a fan of a band before they get popular is one of the most important things they can do with their life. They can hold it over their friends forever!

Indie music also produces a lot of concerts, for which white people can attend and meet other white people. It’s especially useful, since they are attending the same concert, they both like the artist and can easily strike up a conversation that will flow from band at the show->other bands they like->where they went to/go to school->where to get the best vegan food in town->agreement to meet at said restaurant for awkward date.

It is worth noting that white people are expected to stay current with music and go to concerts well into their 40s. Unlike at dance or hip hop clubs, there are few stigmas attached to being the “old guy at the club.â€

But BE WARNED, talking about Indie Music with white people is perhaps the most dangerous subject you touch upon. One false move and you will lose their respect and admiration forever. Here are some general rules

  • Bands that have had their songs in an Apple ad are still marginally acceptable
  • Bands that have had their songs in ads for other companies are not acceptable
  • If you mention a band you like and the other person has heard of them, you lose. They own you. It is essential that you like the most obscure music possible.

Remember, popular artists can turn unpopular in a heartbeat (Ryan Adams, Bright Eyes, The Strokes), so you would be best to stick to the following statements: “I love the Arcade Fire,†“I still think the Montreal scene is the best in the world,†“I would die without Stereogum or Fluxblog“* and “Joanna Newsom is maybe the most original artist today.â€

*-do not substitute Stereogum for Pitchfork, as this is one of those things that used to be cool, but is now not cool.

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wow, this one blew my mind because of it's international applications

Although its origins are from India, one can find more yoga studios in white neighbourhoods such as Kitsilano or Orange County than in Kolkata. Participation in this activity requires large amounts of money and time, both of which white people have a lot of. Yoga is basically the practice of stretching for one hour. Stertching should only take five minutes, other peoples would rather spend the extra fifty five minutes playing in an actual sport or spending time with their families and friends. Yoga is also an expensive activity. It gives white people the chance to showcase their $80 pants. The cost of four yoga classes is equal to the amount of money it would take to pay for uniforms and travel costs of an AAU Basketball team in the inner city. Lastly like other stuff that white people like, yoga feels exotic and foreign (ties into post #2 about eastern religions) and deep down in some way, white people feel that participation makes up for years of colonial rule in India.

Please note that opening up Yoga studios in Brampton or Surrey will yield little success.

such fucking obscure (and accurate) examples.

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I would like to say that, as a white person, I fucking love expensive sandwiches. I could eat $20 sandwiches for every meal for the rest of my life. I'll pay even more if the sandwich is grilled, or contains a cheese I can't pronounce.

That is all.

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I would like to say that I'm sitting here drinking wine with a funny name, watching arrested development, and chatting on AIM.

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as a white person i am astounded at the accuracy of this website.

are there similar sites for other races? I would like to know what makes the rest of the world tick.

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Nah, the world's seen enough fried chicken and watermelon jokes man....

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I would like to say that I'm sitting here drinking wine with a funny name, watching arrested development, and chatting on AIM.

I hate you, Clopek...

no offense.

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you're a shitty asshole who deserves a horrible death. if i saw you in the street i would spit on your nikes and pee on your leg. may a pox be on your descendants. you're ugly and stupid and probably smell like a herpes dick.

no offense though.

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"5. Adopting Korean kids"

its Chinese girls now

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Nah, the world's seen enough fried chicken and watermelon jokes man....

I don't know if the world's seen enough of those jokes, or the world has heard enough bitching and crybaby moaning from black people every time "blackness" isn't addressed with forced praise.

Which reminds me of...

#3. A false sense of security.

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"5. Adopting Korean kids"

its Chinese girls now

So, if they wash up on our beaches, does that mean we get to keep them?

reputation_neg.gifwhite people02-16-2008 10:48 AMun-The irony of you btiching, about a race of people bitching.

Maybe you can petition to have my morning radio show cancelled. :rolleyes:

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as a white person i am astounded at the accuracy of this website.

are there similar sites for other races? I would like to know what makes the rest of the world tick.

Nah, the world's seen enough fried chicken and watermelon jokes man....

that was a blanket statement towards all races, i support the mockery of all races and creeds equally. it was you that made the "black" connection not me you.

and speaking of racism, watch this

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why do white people wear shoes in the house?

nobody i know wears shoes in the house... and the only people i know are crackers

maybe it's an american thing...?

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