Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey

[englandmj7]

I posted some of these in Superconfessional, but since not all of us are loser enough to continually read Superconfessional (myself not included), I figured it would nice to post separately. I cracked up so fucking loud reading these at work....hopefully you will get some enjoyment from them as well. To cheer up your miserable day:

When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.

When the tire blew out on Gary's car, he and Bob got out and fixed it. But, they had only driven a few miles when another tire blew out. "Well, I guess I'm the blowout king" said Gary. Bob tried to smile, but it was hard. He had always thought of himself as the blowout king.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

Post your favorites if you have any......

[red]

the first time i read those on superconfessional, i thought it was hillarious. as i read down the list, i was trying to figure how one man could be so funny (begs is not a man).

but then i googled searched one of them and found out that england hadnt written them.

all of a sudden, it was less funny becausei came to realise that it was actually written by a person of some intelligence.

[Ryan]

If you ever drop your keys in lava,

forget them

cuz man, theyre gone.

[cultpop 0217]

if you ever fall off a really tall building just go limp

and pretend you are a dummy.

someone might catch you because

hey, free dummy.

[artificialsky]

I want to die in my sleep peacefully like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.

If a child asks you where rain comes from, tell them it's God crying. If they ask why He's crying, tell them it's probably because of something they did.

[beefcake]

who is this Jack guy? never heard of him. god damn hilarious.

I especially like the keys-in-lava one.

[shoreman1782]

Jack Handey still writes. I know I saw some short pieces in the New Yorker a year ago or so. Deep Thoughts were definitely his best.

I'm typing these from memory, so forgive me for misquoting:

If it's true that God dwells inside of every one of us, then I hope he likes tamales, because that's what he's getting.

"The crows seem to be calling my name," thought Caw.

The most dangerous animal in the world isn't a lion, a tiger, or an elephant; it's a shark riding an elephant, trampling and eating everything in its way.

I think someone should breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him around, and when you settle down to camp, you could eat him. How bout it, science?

[denimdestroyedmylife]

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away

[Corbin Law]

deep thoughts were the best

back when snl didnt suck

they kept it going

and then it was replaced by similar, but less effective things

like my reallly really big book or something like that.

[superdupersang]

(queue every single search engine melting down, trying to cope with the demand of searching for jack Handey, and people asking randoms in the street in sheer deperation, "who the fuck is JACK HANEY??????!!?" )

[englandmj7]

Jack deserves a bump.

[jeepster]

i can only read them thinking of the voice they used back in the day on SNL

fucking love these things.

+rep