To anyone that has ever uttered "i just threwup a little in my mouth"

[cjbreed]

same person?

the plot thickens....

onemancult^^^ i just laughed out loud at work....so thank you.

[xcoldricex]

damn honestforum people are lame.

[gotothebathroom]

damn honestforum people are lame.

You think i'm lame? Normally I would post something smug and sarcastic implying lack of respect for you but not this time, this time I am being honest with myself and with all of you: xcoldricex hurt my feelings.

However, I am a secure person and I am going to be careful not to let this one negative appraisal snowball in my head and lead me to make negative statements about myself. I am not a bad person, I am a smart and capable human being and I realize that you can't please everyone in life and there will always be people who dislike you or want to bring you down and I accept this reality.

[denimdestroyedmylife]

i used to read word up magazine

[cjbreed]

salt n pepa and heavy d up in the limousine??

[xcoldricex]

[Spastic_Koala]

When I was camping with my Dad and brother about three years ago we had been hiking all day and about noon came upon a river. There were two bears in the river fishing in a rapids area. We were too scared to get close but we watched them for probably an hour or so. We saw one bear fishing in the river for a while slashing at the water but coming up with nothing and then he finally caught a salmon. He brought it out of the water but he just held it under his paw in a really shallow eddie on the side of the river while the other bear kept trying to catch one for himself. This was strange, the other bear not eating but just holding the fish under his paw in the eddie, but we didn't think much of it and just watched other fishing bear. About five minutes later he did catch a salmon for himself and when the other bear saw this he grabbed his fish and they both walked together over near some bushes where they would be out of sight to anyone nearby except that we were above them on the ridge so we could still see them. It was really strange, the bear that caught the first fish dropped it out of its mouth and it had no bite marks or anything on it, we were looking through binoculars, and it just set the fish down and held it to where it was looking at the other bear and its fish about six or seven feet away. Then the other bear got one claw out and removed most of the guts from its fish, it was still alive and thrashing. When the other fish saw this it started frantically twisting flopping and screaming under the bears paw saying "oh god, oh god, please god, nooooo!", and keep in mind we are almost 100 yards away and its screaming so loud we can clearly make out what its saying. Then the bear grabs the gutless fish still squirming, leans back on his butt and slides the fish over his erection, using the hollowed out salmon body to masturbate. About this time I threw up a tiny bit in my mouth but it got worse, the other fish was hysterical and sobbing and then it loses consciousness. About this time I noticed that there was a tripod with a camera on it filming the entire thing near the bears, i could see the beeping red light. The bear finished masturbating with the hollowed at salmon body its body now destroyed and nasty covered and filled with the bears sperm. Then the other bear grabbed a bag from beneath the tripod and pulled out a latex Mr. Rogers mask but it had zippers for the eyes and mouth and he put it on, undid the zipper for the mouth and then ate the salmon body the other bear had just used to masturbate. It was probably the most unbelievable and most unnatural thing I have ever witnessed in nature besides seeing two boys dog fuck.

So in conclusion you were sodomized by a bear? Or did I miss the point?

[gotothebathroom]

I wasn't sodomized by a bear. I WITNESSED a bear have sex with a fish and kind of another bear, well sort of, he used a fishes body to masturbate while the other bear wat ched, it's really an issue of semantics I suppose as to whether or not he bear had sex with a fish or simply used a fishes body to masturbate.

[gotothebathroom]

He he. yeah, you're right. I guess I was just a little defensive. sal good.

[dunkin deeznuts]

I wasn't sodomized by a bear. I WITNESSED a bear have sex with a fish and kind of another bear, well sort of, he used a fishes body to masturbate while the other bear wat ched, it's really an issue of semantics I suppose as to whether or not he bear had sex with a fish or simply used a fishes body to masturbate.

are we talking real "animal" bears or big, gay, hairy guys ?

[gotothebathroom]

are we talking real "animal" bears or big, gay, hairy guys ?

I am talking about real bears not men that are so hairy that they look like bears.

[denimdestroyedmylife]

...it's really an issue of semantics I suppose as to whether or not he bear had sex with a fish or simply used a fishes body to masturbate.

i don't think hollowing out an animals body and impaling it on one's wang constitutes sex as i understand it. maybe it is. necrophilia is sex, i guess. hmn....

reminds me a bit of John Duncan's Blind Date performance art in which he purchased a female cadaver (from Tijuana, apparently) and had sex with it. afterward, he had a vasectomy so that his last productive ejaculation was spent inside a corpse. there is a field recording out there somewhere; and a video maybe, i forget.

[gotothebathroom]

I looked up John Duncans "Blind Date" and all I can say is that is atrociously relevant art.

I redid the trout story to something that is less funnny and more relevant.

The Moment of God's Destruction

by: gotothebathroom

I recline the seat in my old Buick and lay back, this is how I spend every lunchbreak. I don't like being around people, or animals for that matter, for too long. My mind wanders, I begin to contemplate the things they may be capable of, the thins they are capable of.

I hear in the distance a dog, and instantly I am transported back to that place, that place to which I wish I would return.

The two bears, fishing. I remember the exciting feeling, the wonder at all of God's creation and the thought that God had given us a gift today, he had allowed us a window into his power, to view these grizzlies fishing in the river. Out of respect we stay a hundred yards out on the ridge viewing them through the binoculars. Everything seemed perfect at that moment, being there in the wilderness with my father camping, the warm sun on my shoulders, not even the flies buzzing around my face could bother me this day. The mood was about to change...

I am back in the car, my eyes open, I realize I was there again, I was in that moment from which I fear I may never escape. I start the car and turn on the air. Why can't I forgot, oh god, why won't you let me forget.

The first glimmer that something is amiss... the bear catches the fish and carries it over to small puddle of water, holding it down with his paw and then watching the other bear. This continues for minutes while the other bear continues to fish. I remember it felt colder suddenly, a gust of wind. I noticed the smile left my fathers face, something was wrong, something was about to happen...

I turn the car off and walk back into work and sit down at my desk. I check my schedule and remember I have an appointment with my therapist this afternoon. I am not looking forward to it, I am still unsure if rehashing it over and over does anything but create more turmoil. The screen is blank, there was a power surge apparantely a storm is coming in. I stare blankly at the screen and I notice my reflection in the black monitor, it reminds me of the look on my fathers face that day.

"Son.... what is that bear doing"

"I don't know Dad..."

We both stare through our binoculars in silence now. The other bear catches a fish and the one that was holding his in the small puddle excitedly gets up and carries his in his mouth over to a small clearing. The other bear follows.

The sun is covered by a cloud. It get colder still.

The first bear places his fish on the ground facing the other bear a few feet away, he orients the fish towards the other bear with his fish. I get a distinct feeling in my stomach that these two fish are related, CLOSELY related. Something is wrong, something bad is about to happen.

"Josh!... Josh!"

"oh hey, sorry I was drifting off... did you need something?"

"yeah... I was just going to remind you to get your food out of the fridge... it's Friday and they are cleaning it out today... are you ok?"

"yeah yeah I'm fine... he he, sorry I know I was zoning there for a second..."

In reality I wasn't fine, I was in my moment, my horrible moment, as soon as she leaves it comes flooding back, my eyes glass over and my arms begin to tremble. The bears claw slices cleanly down the belly of his trout and the other trout held watching begins screaming "God NOOOOOO GOD NOOOOOOOO PLEASE GOD PLEASE GOD" thrashing fruitlessly against the bears grasp as he washes the insides spill out of his sister. At this point the gut feeling about the closeness of the two fish is so intense that I am made aware with 100% certainty that they are kin. I watch as the fish witnesses his sister writhe in pain, garggling blood, seeing all her organs fall beneath her. Now it is sure, she is descending into the abyss of death.

I slump in my chair, my shoulders shaking as I weep. A few coworkers notice but are afraid to say anything. I am weeping now clearly and everyone within a few cubicles can hear my sniffles. I bury my face in my arms, I beg god to let this memory go, to destroy it, to turn back time.

The moment is here, time stands stall and everything goes quiet. I can see the brother trouts mouth move as his captor smiles and grimaces but I can't hear his screams. His eyes are wide as saucers, every muscle in his face taught and flexed screaming so hard I'm sure his mouth will rip wide open. When recounting the story in therapy my father says at this point I was muttering "no... no... no" at this point but I don't remember anything but the tingling light headed indescribable feeling that everything I thought I knew about this world, this life, good and evil, was about to be shattered.

I am on the floor now in the fetal position beneath my desk, I am hyperventilating but I may as well be dead and gone because I am back there, I am out of my body and I am back in that moment again.

The beat lays on his back with his shoulders sitting upward propped against a stump.

He slides the trouts sisters body over his erect penis, and begins to vigorously and angrily masturbate using her hollowed out body. Everything in my vision goes fuzzy as I see the brother stare on, doing something that the word "screaming" just doesn't do justice, until he finally loses consciousness and goes limp. The other bear is beating more and more furiously and just as the brother fishs body goes limp he finishes and the bears ejaculate erupts inside the fish and a sizeable amount squeezes out the top of her mouth trickling down and inside all the crevices of her now mangled and deformed body. Just before he tosses her aside I see something that makes me vomit in my mouth a bit: she blinks. She is still holding on to life. Her brother is groggy and muttering "no... no...." as he lay with his eyes half open, wishing this were all just a horrible dream, wishing desperately that they could have just been quickly dispatched like every other trout caught by normal emotionally healthy bears.

It isn't over. I have urinated on myself underneath my desk and my sobbing has stopped, I am now just biting my fist as hard as I can and my face is held tight in a grimace. Blood trickles down my knuckles.

The bear holding the brother walks over to a tripod that I have now just noticed half concealed in the bushes. There is a red light... my god, they are filming it. The bear reaches in a black leather bag beneath the tripod and grabs a latex Mr. Rogers mask, but the eyes and mouth have zippers across them. He giddily slides it over his head, he is trembling with excitement. The other bear reaches into the bag and grabs a length of rope and binds the masked bears paws behind his mask the kicks him to his knees. The other bear unzips the mouth on the mask for him, then feeds him the mutilated bear sperm covered body of the sister trout which he eats with absolute joy letting out a barely audible squeal as he finishes the last bite.

The rest I cannot remember, I know that my dad had to carry me back to camp. I woke up a few hours later in a hot sweat, swearing up and down that god was a lie, that's all I would say... "god is a lie"

beneath my desk, I feel a dark black surround me, my heart seems to be seizing, my breath is short, through squinted tear filled eyes I make out the figures of my fellow employees looking on. I see an EMT.... I see my grandma and grandfather with open arms, and I walk towards them... I finally leave my moment forever.

[mellowbonsai]

best new poster 07

[jayrock]

although fish can't blink, that is a very convincing story

+rep when i can

[__3xL]

but where can I cop the mista Rogers mask with the zippers for eyes is all I wanna know ?

I change my shoes at least twice a day 2 ya know I needz dat

mmmm tuna cat

[buzzed]

some of the posts in the HF topic are gold

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sigmatic

you're trying to be intellectual and meaningful - and i can understand that - but from you it comes off as ineffectual

This sentence reads like an Eminem lyric, props on rhyming the word intellectual with ineffectual.

I only noticed it the second time I read the post and I imagined you (well I imagined the actor in your avatar whom for convenience sake I have imagined is you) and me in a rap battle and I rap some crazy shit about an animal engaging in fetish sex and then I try to intellectualize it after the fact but you shut me down in the end with that exact lyric and right after you say Ineffectual" you hold the mike up and stare me DEAD in the eyes and then drop the mike and the crowd goes crazy and you get signed and I fail english.

[gotothebathroom]

but where can I cop the mista Rogers mask with the zippers for eyes is all I wanna know ?

I change my shoes at least twice a day 2 ya know I needz dat

I don't think you can buy it I think the bears made it. Honestly from where we sitting it could have just been a President Bush mask I was uncertain but for some reason I saw Mr. Rogers in it.

[datasupa]

you're just going to keep milking that one marginally amusing story for all it's worth aren't you

[gotothebathroom]

you're just going to keep milking that one marginally amusing story for all it's worth aren't you

I really was starting to feel good about myself and then I read this and now I feel like, when it really comes down to it, all I really am is that story. God, in my head I imagined it so differently... I imagined everyone being so excited to see a new poster on the forums, everyone loving me, and I was so careful not to offend and to respect the more well established members just periodically posting something I thought might be clever enough to get a chuckle or a few tiny drops of respect. I have clearly overstepped my bounds, you caught me smiling, you caught me feeling too good about myself and you appropriatley cut me back down. I guess I'm not really that great huh datasupa?... *sigh*

[cjbreed]

that'll teach you to feel good about yourself.

but i may suggest at times you're a bit longwinded....

remember it is important to know your audience. the average attention span here is

wait...

what?

oh yeah, hey that story was funny!