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Favorite Quotes?


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I'm a huge fan of Woody Allen and Oscar Wilde's quotes.

For example: There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance guy? (Woody Allen)

In my version, I change it to: "There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with a boring man?"

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well, i have now. i mean, you coulda had:

"don't you see the rest of the country looks upon new York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? i think of us that way sometimes, and I live here."

"the important thing, i think, is not to be bitter... if it turns out that there is a god, I don't think that he is evil. i think that the worst thing you could say is that he is, basically, an under-achiever."

(lost in n.j.) "hey, wait a minute! i know where we are. these are the flatlands. my husband's friends used to dump bodies here."

"great. i'm sure you can show me all the points of cultural interest."

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"One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died I was devastated and was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went in to get something and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand he was out cold, convulsing on the floor like a infantile retard."

Mike Tyson is always great.

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"sometimes i wake up and i think i should start wearing a beret, but i don't do it. one day i'm gonna though. you bet your ass, i will have a beret on. that's ridiculous, but it's true. i always fight with wearing a beret."

"it is sunny out and the bears are fluffy. just how fluffy remains to be seen. behind me is the miracle of birth. soon, a stork will fly overhead, delivering a baby panda. let me see if I can get a look at what's going on."

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