The Unethicist

[doctorgnar]

Here's another little gem from Gawker. Thought we could enjoy this together. Please share your own unethical postions and feel free to laugh at other people's dilemmas***

The Unethicist: Those Who Can, Kill Themselves, Those Who Can't, Teach

"The Ethicist" is Randy Cohen's long-running advice column in the New York Times. Each week, Gabriel Delahaye's "The Unethicist" will answer the same questions as "The Ethicist," with obvious differences.

"I am a schoolteacher. A teenager told me about her thoughts of suicide. To offer her hope, I told her that I had contemplated suicide decades ago and survived with the support of friends and doctors. She told her therapist about this -- fine with me -- who told our school social worker, who criticized my conduct to our principal, perhaps endangering my job. I'm not the therapist's patient, but was it ethical of her to discuss me?" -- name withheld, Conn.

It should go without saying that outside of international espionage, fanatical religious "Comet God" cults, and Tim Allen, I do not advocate suicide. Not because I have any problem with you taking your own life--if you actually feel that is your only option then you might as well go for it because you're probably a horrible conversationalist, and, like, cry after sex. But suicide is basically just an extreme form of being a cutter, and being a cutter is just taking enthusiasm for My Chemical Romance albums and Hello Kitty paraphernalia to its violent conclusion. It's lame. And I do not advocate being lame.

That being said, if you really wanted to help this emotionally troubled girl, maybe showing her that if she just toughed it out a little while longer she too could be a school teacher giving half-baked advice wasn't the most effective deterrent. You feel me, Mr. Rosso? You're just lucky that when you asked her what store at the mall you could get some jelly bracelets and raccoon eye-liner because she looked "really cool...like a really cool, really unique, artsy girl who's just totally being, like, herself" she didn't take both of you out.

Of course, as far as the therapist is concerned, the best way to get back at her for her indiscretion is to kill yourself. She'd probably feel guilty for, like, two whole weeks. And this advice does not conflict with my afore-mentioned anti-suicide stance because you have proved yourself to be so lame that in a sea of lameness, your suicide would be a drop of lame too small even to cause a lame ripple.

"Last summer, I visited friends at their chateau in France -- good company, excellent food, but a lumpy mattress full of bedbugs. Badly bitten, I said nothing, but I know I'll be invited back. How can I politely tell them about their infestation? Or more politely, must I remain silent and simply decline the invitation?" -- Joan Shore, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

I forgot about the part in the Princess and the Pea where the Princess turned out to be a total twat. Ooh la-la, yearly visits to your friends' chateau in France. You know, even in spite of your gauche I'm-not-just-an-asshole-I'm-an-international-asshole thing, the fact that you got bed bugs would normally have put me firmly on your side because that is some bullshit (nice chateau, Scabies Depardieu), but that you can't even talk about it without the bourgeois complaint that the infected mattress was "lumpy"? Go le fuck your le self.

If I was in charge, we would chain you up and force feed you until your liver turned into human foie gras, like some kind of set piece from Saw VIII: Jigsaw Prends Paris.

Je hate you.

[http://gawker.com/news/unethicist/the-unethicist-those-who-can-kill-themselves-those-who-cant-teach-248786.php]

[FootlooseSF]

I love the Unethicist! Haven't read it in a couple of weeks though. Great post! +rep

[poliopoliopolio]

haha, i used to live with the unethicist.

[doctorgnar]

A fellow teacher at my elementary school sells jewelry. A student came to deliver $80 worth of merchandise to a woman with whom I share a classroom. She was not in, so I said he could leave the package on her chair. The next day she inquired about her jewelry: she never received it. Someone stole it from our classroom. Who is responsible for the $80? -- Name Withheld, Connecticut

More important than your question of who is responsible for the $80 is who is responsible for explaining what the fuck you are talking about. It's clearly not you, Bizarre Mildly Cryptic Story That Makes Very Little Sense McWTF.

OK, I read your question again, and while it makes me so angry I want to clean the erasers with your face, I think I see what happened here. A frustrated, mediocre woman who was a teacher, hated her life and decided she needed to take up a hobby, so she started making jewelry, and felt validated in her lonely pursuits when other frustrated, mediocre women who were also teachers offered to buy that jewelry out deeply understanding pity. So one day she (teacher) sold some of what I can only imagine to be horrendously gaudy be(fake)jeweled broaches and hellishly beaded chokers to a woman (teacher) who owns many, many cats. But, when the silently suffering "jeweler"/teacher asked one of the children who she no longer sees as a charge under her thoughtful and important tutelage but rather as a demon spawn draining her of her energy, youth, and promise, to deliver the jewelry to the cat lady (teacher), he left it on a chair because you (also teacher) told him to, and someone (possibly a teacher) who clearly had no idea just how badly they didn't want what they were about to steal, took the box.

The answer to your question is the child. Even if he is not solely responsible for what happened, children are very easy to guilt and manipulate. With almost no effort, you will be able to convince him that he is a terrible criminal, and he will be mowing your lawns and washing your cars for free all summer long. Niiiiice.

At a job interview, I learned that the company was seeking replacements for striking workers. I have nearly always sided with workers on strike. We all deserve decent wages and working conditions. Should I accept the job if it is offered? -- D.R., Minneapolis

Well, not all of us, D.R. You clearly forgot about Mexicans. The only thing they deserve is to ride their bikes home to their seven-family studio apartments after washing our dishes all day, am I right?

Also, I like how much you equivocate in your question. You have "nearly" always sided with workers on strike? But not always. Sometimes the alienating forces of the capitalist system are so right. And then of course right after expressing your Marxist solidarity, you ask if it's still ok to be a strike-breaker.

The answer, of course, is yes. Fuck communists! Love it or leave it! America for Americans! These colors don't run! Toby Keith! You're an asshole!

http://gawker.com/news/the-unethicist/workers-of-the-world-unite-you-have-nothing-to-lose-but-my-patience-256293.php