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Posts posted by Spastic_Koala

  1. Dudes that lie about their bench press and disregard reps (always assuming 1 rep max)

    P.S. And how they only talk about bench press

    Do you bench more than you squat? Stick-leg concept.

    I don't squat cause I gotta fit in my skinny jawns.

  2. Looks like ione hell of a weekend ahead...

    Bad pun, bro. You religious, bro? You like the devil, bro? You hoping to get raptured, bro? Sup, bro? Tell me, bro. What are your thoughts on the debt ceiling, bro?

    Can I cop a hoodie, bro?

  3. Large contingency of bros at the gym last night. There was even a group of brahs. Fist pumps, back slaps, spots, and digits were being exchanged left and right, all while checking out each other's muscles and talking about their super awesome bro-ness.

    Bro-love was palpable.

  4. Clopek story. Must keep repository. Or suppository. Depending on how you like taking Clopek's stories.

    Part Two in the ongoing saga of Tess and Matt after the Science centre.

    So I get a ride back home and spend a Friday evening with my family, and after dinner I met up with Tess to head back to Hamilton. We take her car back to campus and I, being the gentleman that I am, offer to drive so that Tess can relax on the way there. And by relax, I mean chew most of a bag of mushrooms that she'd purchased earlier that day.

    She saves a little bit for me, but obviously not enough to really trip, so I call someone up in my dorm who is known to have mushrooms from time to time. He tells me he has "some leftovers" but not much more, so I chew the gram or so that Tess has generously bestowed upon me in the car and see if i can race the buzz to Hamilton.

    (Result: GMC Safar 1, Buzz 0).

    When I get there I meet the friend with "leftovers" at his room and he proceeds to provide me with a bag of what can only be described as dried-up-chewed-and-spit-out sunflower seed shells. There wasn't a solid piece of mushroom i nthe entire bag, just a pile of really unhealthy looking dust.

    I pay him $10 and walk like a depressed Charlie Brown back to my dorm room, where I show Tess what I've just procured. Not a big deal, she assures me, this will go into some tea and get me right high. I bring a kettle to a semi-boil and let it cool (as I'd heard you can ruin the psylocibin by overheating it), and dump the shitty contents of the bag into a luke-hot cup of Earl Grey which I proceed to drink slowly.

    At this point the first gram I've chewed has hit me like a tonne of feathers - there's a slight twingy feeling, almost like a halo of pins-and-needles around certain parts of my skin but not much else happening really. Tess' trip is really starting to brew, so we decide to watch cartoons while waiting for the full effects of my own dosage to kick in. I'd been on a huge "Home Movies" kick at this point in my college career, and so naturally I threw an episode of that hilariously frustrating cartoon on.

    Big. Fucking. Mistake.

    As it turns out, that scene in Super Troopers when the kid eats the giant bag of shrooms and proceeds to hear echoes-over-echoes of "littering and...littering and......littering and..." over and over again - this is a very accurate scene. The petty arguments in the television show seem to multiply 1000 fold, and about 15 minutes into our second episode I start to absolutely lose my shit.

    "I can't watch this. It's too irritating. I'm sorry they're just annoying the shit out of me. Can we watch SouthPark instead?"

    Yes, no problem, she's tripping pretty hard but it's a pretty low-end trip, so she's mostly giggling and touching her own arms and legs for the feeling and clearly doesn't care what's on TV right now so long as it's not ... rape-porn or something.

    I put on an episode of Southpark that I've always loved, thinking that familiarity will breed comfort and hopefully overcome this shitty feelign that's coming over my body.

    Unfortunately, the familiar episode I chose was "Red Hot Burning Catholic Love". In case you're not familiar, the basic premise is that Cartman discovers a new and healthier way of eating - shoving food up your asshole and shitting it out your mouth. I made it to the anal-rectal eating DINNER PARTY scene (during which a dozen people stuff food up their asses and shit big turds out of their mouths into a waste-basket that makes its way around the party) before I can't take it any longer. I physically begin to feel shit work its way out of my throat and into my trachea - this accompanied by an atrocious burning in my gut.

    It's not an overstatement to say this is among the worst feelings I've ever had. The persistent feeling of shit coming up your throat, and the constantly impending fear that the tip of that log is going to make its way up onto your tastebuds sooner or later. I still shiver thinking about it.

    I get up and turn the TV off without saying a word and immediately go to the washroom to ensure that my digestive tract has not in fact reversed itself, and go drink a few mouthfuls of water and take the most bizarre feeling shit of my life.

    I go back into the room and explain to Tess, who is still tripping but quite composed, that these are possibly the shittiest mushrooms I've ever had, and the reaction of my stomach with what we've been watching hasn't been good. For some bizarre reason she's feeling frisky and suggests that maybe a blow job will take my mind off of how stressed I'm feeling.

    Not to everyone: IT DOESN'T.

    We start making out on my bed and I'm immediately struck by how hot my crotch is starting to feel. Hot, and wet. Oh my god, I muse, I'm pissing on myself...fuck that I'm pissing on her. I get up and excuse myself once more to go and make sure that I haven't pissed myself. I head into the washroom and confirm that I have not actually urinated while making out with Tess, but do note how shrunken and terrified looking my penis is at this point in time (not exactly encoruagement while entering a sexual encounter with a girl I still barely know).

    I come back in and crawl back on top of Tess, who has since stripped down to her bra and panties. Even during a shitty trip the girl looked pretty darn good, and so I try and focus on this fact as we begin to make out again. The pants urination feeling is still there, but I'm becoming acclimatized to it and there's now at least potential for something to happen boner-wise.

    Holy shit this is long.

    to be continued if anyone actually cares to hear the rest.

  5. also, a gym is a GREAT place to meet people to fuck...if shit gets awkward (a situation is only as awkward as YOU make it) then just join a different gym

    Great targets are the girls who don't realize they're hot because they used to be fat (they're at the gym for a reason). They're usually the ones not wearing the super tight/revealing workout clothes and are hurt that all the guys are hitting on the hot stuck-up chick who will never put out.

    I've smashed a bunch of girls at various gyms I've been to over the years. It's never been awkward afterwards.

    One side note: if the girl is clearly there to workout and isn't in the mood to talk. Leave her the fuck alone. I hate it when people try chatting me up in the middle of my set (or between sets).

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