hahapete

Last week I got this bruise on my arm that looked like someone punched me cause I fell skateboarding (I really should stop skating) and hit something. The next morning I showed some colleagues and said to them under my breath, "sometimes my girlfriend hits me but she says she loves me." 

 

Around lunch HR contacted me because my joke about abusive relationships offended one of my coworkers, who says she was a victim of domestic violence. I didn't even know this chick had been married and I made the mistake of mentioning that. She said to me, "when you've experienced the amount of abuse I have, you don't just tell everyone about it as a joke."

 

I apologized and figured they'd send me to sensitivity training or something. I didn't think it was gonna be a big deal at all.

 

But before six that same day I was told my colleague had submitted her resignation citing that she could not work within "insensitive and unprofessional work environments."

 

The company has given her a paid three week vacation because they're hoping she will reconsider.

 

I have this week off but next week I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get fired or they're gonna cut my salary or something. They haven't called me in or anything but I can feel something brewing. 

 

I told my girlfriend about this while I was driving and said, "I guess I should work on my jokes, right?" I laughed and my girlfriend smacked my arm pretty hard. 

 

She thinks I shouldn't belittle abusive relationships. 

 

 

edit: i sux @ writin

My sister and brother-in-law are in town and are staying with my parents. My brother-in-law brought waterproof pants with him for whatever reason and this morning he played the hilarious, never been done before spilling of liquid on his pants but it being okay because they're waterproof pants joke on my dad. He spilled coffee on himself and burned his balls. 

 

The coffee slid down the front of his pants and onto one of the only pieces of carpet left in my parents' house: the floor of my dad's office. My dad was worried about his carpet so cleaned for an hour to make sure there wouldn't be a coffee stain and then took my brother-in-law to the ER. 

 

The nurse and doctor at the ER were less than impressed with my brother-in-law's "at least I didn't get something stuck up my ass" joke while examining his burnt balls.

 

Day two of my mother's "let's have all the kids come home for a week" week was a success, I'd say.

My coworker got a budget for a secretary and he hired the corniest white girl ever.

 

I asked him where he found her and he told me, "my daughter just joined a sorority and she sent me a list of recently graduated sisters when she heard I needed a secretary. Four are living in the Bay Area so I got them interviews and this one had some secretarial experience so she was hired."

 

I asked him what sort of secretarial experience she had and he said, "well she listed that she worked for her father's law firm for three weeks on her resume and then wrote that she quit that job to work at a tanning salon for four weeks before quitting to work at cupcake seller for two weeks but now she's here."

 

Incredible. 

 

edited for emphasis

The three girls I've boned on their periods were pretty weird.

 

In retrospect I only fucked one of those girls cause I was really desperate and super thirsty (worst combo) at the time and she was game in that moment. Afterwards she wouldn't really let me leave her apartment for like 3 hours. It was pretty weird. She fell asleep and I bailed. 

 

One of the other times was at Cal during welcome week or near the beginning of the semester with this chick who really wanted to fulfill her university experience of fucking some random guy in her dorm, I guess. I don't know. It was definitely the most spontaneous sex I've ever had. I was just walking through campus and she asked me where something was. I told her I had no idea and it was around lunch time so she asked me if I wanted to get food. She swiped me into a dining hall because I told her I lost my ID and didn't have cash on me. I never went to Cal and I definitely could've paid the 8 or whatever dollars it was to get in but whatever. After lunch she asked me if I wanted to go up to her room because it was close and she needed someone to help her move something. I don't know. We got there and we fucked. For like three weeks after that she would text me every day asking me where I was on campus, where I had class, what my major was, etc. I don't think she found out I didn't actually go to Cal. She was in some writing program there. I don't really know for exactly what, though. I would definitely laugh my ass off if she wrote something about me and the experience. 

 

Also that was the only time I had sex with someone while technically working. At the time I was working for a dude who would pay me to drive around and do his errands. That day he gave me an envelope and a gift basket filled with chocolates to give to some professor friend of his at Cal. I was carrying it in a backpack so I guess the girl thought I was a student.

 

Afterwards I got stoned, ate some chocolate from the gift basket, and delivered that shit. One of my friends at that time was staying at this hilariously disgusting unofficial housing coop nearby that was filled with these super pretentious art and literature douche bags (who probably knew the girl I slept with) who did not like me coming over to use their shower. I think they had their water shut off like six times while my friend was living there because they would never pay their bills yet most of them were driving brand new cars and tapped into their trust funds for the most ridiculous things. 

 

 

Anyways, I don't fuck with period sex. In my experiences shit is always weird before, during, and after.

I don't understand over half of what gets posted in here but I still read it anyways.

My girlfriend knows me too well. I've been playing pranks on her and just messing around since we started going out and she now is way better than me at it. Game over. I'm a sore loser. I can't have her being better than me at pranks. She knows how I think and now is exploiting the shit out of my neurosis. Nope. Can't.

 

Early last week she joked about how she was pregnant and I brushed it off. And then she started doing all these weird things and played up her strange eating habits. I started jokingly thinking that she was actually pregnant. She brought it up randomly a few times and continued doing things that made me think she was pregnant and I started convincing myself that she was.

 

Worse part is she got my parents to play along with it. She knew I was going to go to my mom and be like, "how do i know if this girl is serious about this/what if she is pregnant/how do i tell/help/what am i doing" and she had my mom all practiced with these answers she knew would frustrate me. Girl put me into a crisis. My mom! She knew the next day I'd go to my younger sister freaked out and ask her if she knew anything about my girlfriend's apparent pregnancy. She had shit down and everyone was in on it.

 

Motherfucker had me believing by Friday that I was going to be a dad. In four days she beat the shit out of me and she bested every prank I've played on her. Friday night I was going to ask her if she was pregnant and tell her that if she was I completely down to raise the shit out of the kid. But before I had the chance to she told me she had something to tell me and I was like, "okay here it comes. shit. gotta grow up now. my girlfriend's pregnant. it was gonna happen someday and today is the day." I was sweating.

 

But then told me she had just been fucking around. How do I compete against this? I can't top this.

 

She got me so good I think I might marry her.

My girlfriend's uncle, upon meeting me for the first time, slapped my ass and said, "He's got brown in him but he's definitely American!"

 

He later asked me if I was interested in buying a "top brass, fucking high quality" gun safe a friend was selling.

 

 

 

Last week I bought string cheese (holla), opened the bag, and put it in the fridge but didn't eat any (was in a rush and then forgot about it). A few days later I saw a string cheese wrapper was in the bottom of my trash bin that stuck to something and counted that three were missing from the bag. Over those few days the only people who had been over were my mother (who doesn't like string cheese) and my girlfriend (who is vegan).

 

So I asked my girlfriend about the missing string cheese. It turns out that after spending MONTHS trying to convert me to veganism, my girlfriend has been moonlighting as an animal-product-eating-normal-person this entire time.

 

No more quinoa and lentils for me. No ma'am. We're eating lard fried dead animals and their products. 

 

 

 

When I'm on the phone at work I like to doodle and if I'm particularly proud of my doodle or if I doodled on something I need to keep, I put it in one of my drawers. They're really bad and maybe I'll post some later. When doing some spring-cleaning at the office I brought a lot of them to my parents' house and accidentally left them there.

 

My sister and a few friends looked through them and one friend apparently was particularly enamored with a cursive "fuck" I wrote on a spreadsheet that she got it tattoo'd on her arm. So now she has "fuck" on her arm in bad 8th grade level cursive and I can't wait to see it. What a bad decision. 

On Monday I left my phone at my place and from work I emailed my girlfriend asking her if she could swing by with it later in the day or whenever it was convenient for her to drop it off. She said sure and a few hours later she sent me an email telling me she was outside and didn't want to come in. I walked out and found her parked in the parking lot. I walked up to her car window, chatted with her for a bit, thanked her, got my phone, said goodbye, and started walking back in when I saw a dude I work with walking through the parking lot as well. I said hi and he said, "Secret parking lot rendezvous for left behind objects?" and I replied telling him I had left my phone at home and that my girlfriend came by to drop it off.

 

He goes, "Don't you love it when they go out of their way to make sure it was untraceable and everything's back in its place?" I asked him what he meant and he said, "Oh, you know... left behind phones... wallets, glasses, you know... just stuff you don't have a proper explanation why you have or don't have when you're asked." I told him I had no idea what he was talking about and he tells me, "I had a girl return my wedding ring once. I spent the entire morning dreading the moment my wife would see I wasn't wearing it. Thankfully the girl returned it and my wife never noticed."

 

Oh, dude was talking about cheating on his wife.

 

I told him that the girl he saw in the parking lot was my girlfriend and he said, "Yeah, you could say the girl who had my ring was my girlfriend, too! But really, I won't tell. She was cute, though, I wouldn't hide her! You're not even married!"

 

We split ways back inside the office. 

 

Tuesday night there was this company dinner I was invited to and I brought my girlfriend. We had RSVP'd last week and Monday afternoon my girlfriend had gotten a haircut (which is where she was on her way to after she dropped off my phone) going from a bit longer than shoulder length hair to chin length. We showed up to this dinner and the coworker who I had spoken to in the parking lot saw me and said hi before introducing me to his wife. I introduced him to my girlfriend and he smirked at me before lightly elbowing me in the arm. 

 

My girlfriend walked off and my coworker said, "Hey! I knew you were a lot like me. Man, you don't have to keep those kinds of secrets from me." I told him I was with the same girl he saw the previous day but that she had gotten a hair cut and he's like, "Don't lie to me about trivial things like that. I don't judge you. We all have vices and coincidentally we have the same one. We love women... various women."

 

I tell him again that it's the same girl but he won't have it. I had told my girlfriend what he had said before we went to this dinner and she thought it was hilarious. I guess she decided to play into it because when she came up to me I said to her, "Hey, remember how I told you he thought you were my side-piece?" And my girlfriend turns to me and starts yelling at me about how she doesn't play around with relationships and can't believe that I'm seeing another girl at the same time. I'm caught by complete surprise cause I had no idea she was going to do that and my coworker is just staring at me with wide eyes and his mouth open for just narcing on myself.

 

Half the bar in this restaurant is looking at us in complete disbelief. The three of us are just standing there and one of my coworkers who knows my girlfriend comes up, says hi to us, comments on my girlfriend's hair cut telling her it looks great, says hi to my coworker who cheats on his wife and leaves his wedding ring behind, and walks away. My coworker picked up his drink and said, "I don't understand you guys at fucking all." and walked away.

 

This random dude, trying to white knight my girlfriend, who is standing at the bar next to us comes up to me and is like, "Fuck you, man! You're a piece of shit for cheating on her, you pig." Dude turns to my girlfriend and is like, "Are you okay? You wanna get out of here?" My girlfriend erupts in laughter and is like, "Noooooo, he's my boyfriend." He's like, "No, he's cheating on you. He admitted it." She just kept laughing and we walked away.

 

The rest of the night my girlfriend and I got the funniest looks from random people in the restaurant and confused glares from my coworker. His wife tried to talk to us a few times while we were eating but I couldn't handle it. I felt bad for her, assuming dude actually cheats on her. 

 

 

edit: i love my girlfriend lol