hahapete

member
  • Content count

    165
  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    5

hahapete last won the day on August 5 2012

hahapete had the most liked content!

Community Reputation

1,757 making progress

About hahapete

  • Rank
    bored
  • Birthday July 13

Profile Information

  • Gender
    male
  • location:
    California
  • occupation:
    The Internet
  1. Last week I got this bruise on my arm that looked like someone punched me cause I fell skateboarding (I really should stop skating) and hit something. The next morning I showed some colleagues and said to them under my breath, "sometimes my girlfriend hits me but she says she loves me." Around lunch HR contacted me because my joke about abusive relationships offended one of my coworkers, who says she was a victim of domestic violence. I didn't even know this chick had been married and I made the mistake of mentioning that. She said to me, "when you've experienced the amount of abuse I have, you don't just tell everyone about it as a joke." I apologized and figured they'd send me to sensitivity training or something. I didn't think it was gonna be a big deal at all. But before six that same day I was told my colleague had submitted her resignation citing that she could not work within "insensitive and unprofessional work environments." The company has given her a paid three week vacation because they're hoping she will reconsider. I have this week off but next week I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get fired or they're gonna cut my salary or something. They haven't called me in or anything but I can feel something brewing. I told my girlfriend about this while I was driving and said, "I guess I should work on my jokes, right?" I laughed and my girlfriend smacked my arm pretty hard. She thinks I shouldn't belittle abusive relationships. edit: i sux @ writin
  2. My girlfriend is in Chicago for two weeks and she took my electric toothbrush charger with her on accident and left the charger for whatever she needed here. My toothbrush battery died the first night she was gone and now I have to brush manually like a peasant until she comes back.
  3. My sister and brother-in-law are in town and are staying with my parents. My brother-in-law brought waterproof pants with him for whatever reason and this morning he played the hilarious, never been done before spilling of liquid on his pants but it being okay because they're waterproof pants joke on my dad. He spilled coffee on himself and burned his balls. The coffee slid down the front of his pants and onto one of the only pieces of carpet left in my parents' house: the floor of my dad's office. My dad was worried about his carpet so cleaned for an hour to make sure there wouldn't be a coffee stain and then took my brother-in-law to the ER. The nurse and doctor at the ER were less than impressed with my brother-in-law's "at least I didn't get something stuck up my ass" joke while examining his burnt balls. Day two of my mother's "let's have all the kids come home for a week" week was a success, I'd say.
  4. My coworker got a budget for a secretary and he hired the corniest white girl ever. I asked him where he found her and he told me, "my daughter just joined a sorority and she sent me a list of recently graduated sisters when she heard I needed a secretary. Four are living in the Bay Area so I got them interviews and this one had some secretarial experience so she was hired." I asked him what sort of secretarial experience she had and he said, "well she listed that she worked for her father's law firm for three weeks on her resume and then wrote that she quit that job to work at a tanning salon for four weeks before quitting to work at cupcake seller for two weeks but now she's here." Incredible. edited for emphasis
  5. Man, facebook employee parties are where it's at. If you ever get the chance to go to one, don't think twice about it. I went to some picnic bullshit with some friends and got fucked up for free and they gave me random free things. These new money start up dudes are where it's at right now if you can deal with pretension and their bullshit. Might have to jump from the stable corporate side of things to these fickle cash saturated start ups in hopes of cashing out. First things first, though: I gotta get a Tesla.
  6. My girlfriend and I got kicked off the google campus for sneaking into a cafeteria. Apple was much more accommodating when I visited a friend there earlier in the year and used their shit for the rest of the day.
  7. If deluxe versions of albums are marginally more expensive than the non-deluxe, why do people still buy non-deluxe albums? Because they don't want the few inevitable remixes? Because springing two or three more dollars isn't worth it the leftover tracks?
  8. Hmm.
  9. There's this chubby South Asian intern who works with me that references rap lyrics all the time. For example earlier today one of the secretaries came in looking haggard after she went to lunch and he asked her, "were you out with 2 Chainz?" She asked him why and he said, "because he's the hair weave killa, oooooooooooooooh!" Despite how much he entertains me I had to tell him he can't ask our coworkers if they've been having sex with rappers on their lunch breaks. He apologized to her with, "Sorry. It just your hair looks so long it would be a weave. You know if you cut it all off you would look like Eve." She didn't get it. I guess she doesn't listen to Collge Dropout Kanye. Too bad GOOD Music and their affiliates don't have a song referencing apologies and platinum blonde five foot tall white girls because he would've been all over that.
  10. It's worse when it comes from other Americans.
  11. The three girls I've boned on their periods were pretty weird. In retrospect I only fucked one of those girls cause I was really desperate and super thirsty (worst combo) at the time and she was game in that moment. Afterwards she wouldn't really let me leave her apartment for like 3 hours. It was pretty weird. She fell asleep and I bailed. One of the other times was at Cal during welcome week or near the beginning of the semester with this chick who really wanted to fulfill her university experience of fucking some random guy in her dorm, I guess. I don't know. It was definitely the most spontaneous sex I've ever had. I was just walking through campus and she asked me where something was. I told her I had no idea and it was around lunch time so she asked me if I wanted to get food. She swiped me into a dining hall because I told her I lost my ID and didn't have cash on me. I never went to Cal and I definitely could've paid the 8 or whatever dollars it was to get in but whatever. After lunch she asked me if I wanted to go up to her room because it was close and she needed someone to help her move something. I don't know. We got there and we fucked. For like three weeks after that she would text me every day asking me where I was on campus, where I had class, what my major was, etc. I don't think she found out I didn't actually go to Cal. She was in some writing program there. I don't really know for exactly what, though. I would definitely laugh my ass off if she wrote something about me and the experience. Also that was the only time I had sex with someone while technically working. At the time I was working for a dude who would pay me to drive around and do his errands. That day he gave me an envelope and a gift basket filled with chocolates to give to some professor friend of his at Cal. I was carrying it in a backpack so I guess the girl thought I was a student. Afterwards I got stoned, ate some chocolate from the gift basket, and delivered that shit. One of my friends at that time was staying at this hilariously disgusting unofficial housing coop nearby that was filled with these super pretentious art and literature douche bags (who probably knew the girl I slept with) who did not like me coming over to use their shower. I think they had their water shut off like six times while my friend was living there because they would never pay their bills yet most of them were driving brand new cars and tapped into their trust funds for the most ridiculous things. Anyways, I don't fuck with period sex. In my experiences shit is always weird before, during, and after.
  12. I only cry when I'm laughing at my own jokes.
  13. I don't understand over half of what gets posted in here but I still read it anyways.
  14. My girlfriend knows me too well. I've been playing pranks on her and just messing around since we started going out and she now is way better than me at it. Game over. I'm a sore loser. I can't have her being better than me at pranks. She knows how I think and now is exploiting the shit out of my neurosis. Nope. Can't. Early last week she joked about how she was pregnant and I brushed it off. And then she started doing all these weird things and played up her strange eating habits. I started jokingly thinking that she was actually pregnant. She brought it up randomly a few times and continued doing things that made me think she was pregnant and I started convincing myself that she was. Worse part is she got my parents to play along with it. She knew I was going to go to my mom and be like, "how do i know if this girl is serious about this/what if she is pregnant/how do i tell/help/what am i doing" and she had my mom all practiced with these answers she knew would frustrate me. Girl put me into a crisis. My mom! She knew the next day I'd go to my younger sister freaked out and ask her if she knew anything about my girlfriend's apparent pregnancy. She had shit down and everyone was in on it. Motherfucker had me believing by Friday that I was going to be a dad. In four days she beat the shit out of me and she bested every prank I've played on her. Friday night I was going to ask her if she was pregnant and tell her that if she was I completely down to raise the shit out of the kid. But before I had the chance to she told me she had something to tell me and I was like, "okay here it comes. shit. gotta grow up now. my girlfriend's pregnant. it was gonna happen someday and today is the day." I was sweating. But then told me she had just been fucking around. How do I compete against this? I can't top this. She got me so good I think I might marry her.