merry burger

that awkward moment when you try to explain what ToJ means

that awkward moment when you drunkenly yell, "hey is that a toj" (pronounced "tahj") to someone who turns out to be jason bourne.

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This thread is reminding me of all of the dumb awkward shit I've experienced. Here's one of the most awkward phone calls I've ever been on while I was working at a law firm:

Me: [Firm name]

Crazy Lady Caller: Hello is this xxx-3050?

Me: Uhh, I think so...

CLC: Is this the insurance company?

Me: No, you have the wrong number.

CLC: You know, I've been dialing so many wrong numbers... I'm PREGNANT!

Me: Oh wow! Congratulations!

CLC: Thank you! I'm 6 months now, I can't wait!

Me: Well, it's coming up soon...

CLC: Do you know anybody that's pregnant?

Me: Umm, there's a woman who works here who just had a baby.

CLC: Oh, her first?

Me: No, her third.

CLC: ... I'm single.

Me: Oh, cool.

CLC: Are you pregnant?

Me: No!

CLC: Are you trying?

Me: Uhhhh, no, not at the moment...

CLC: But someday?

Me: Yes, maybe someday.

CLC: Do you know any single people who have children?

Me: You know what... not really, which seems weird.

CLC: Yes, that is weird!

Me: Hahaha....

(awkward pause)

CLC: You know... I have BIG BOOBS. (caps)

Me: ??? Hahaha...ha..

CLC: I have back pain... shoulder pain... It's a BIG PROBLEM! Are you that way, too?

Me: Ummm... you know.... um,

CLC: I'm coming out of a 38D! I have BIG BOOBS! They're a BIG PROBLEM!

Me: Well, you know, good luck with that... Um, what number were you trying to reach?

CLC: Oh, I'll look it up. Have a wonderful day!

Me: .......

I'm visiting my parents for Mother's Day today. My parents are convinced that I'm going to die alone... I'm starting to believe them.

Dad: Hi Merry. I thought you come home and bring nice Korean man this time.

Me: Hi Dad... hahaha, sorry, no.

Dad: (sitting down, sighing) There are any nice Korean young man for you? Anybody say, "Merry, let us go to lunch together?"

Me: Uh, maybe, I don't know, Dad.

Dad: Why you no tell them -- "Why not we get married?"

Me: Uh... haha...

Dad: It not so hard. Even if you no like him, later when married you probably like him.

Me: Ok dad.

Dad: We already try arranged marriage for you, you say no.

Me: (Suddenly remembering the time my parents really wanted me to have lunch with them at a Korean restaurant and them pointing out this really nerdy 30-something doctor...) Is that what that was???

Dad: Oh nevermind. Hehe.

Me: Um...

Dad: What about... not Korean man. Anybody want to marry you?

Me: ... I don't know, Dad.

Dad: (Showing me flowers he picked from his garden for my mom) See? I pick four rose. One from you and your brother and for your future husband and his future wife.

Me: Oh... cool...

Mom: (Appearing out of nowhere) When he tell me that it bring tear to my eye. It make me cry in the shower. When you get married, Merry? Why you make me cry?

Me:

...

Edited to add my dad's interesting floral arrangement:

Mom: I make Welcome sign for future husband!

Just finished the last final exam of the semester. The whole morning was a fucking shit show.

I get to school and I see one of my classmates. We have 10 minutes til the exam starts so we leisurely walk to the classroom. I put my shit down, get my pen out, set up my computer. My friend goes to sign in at the front and whips around, "Shit, we're in the wrong classroom!" We run up a flight of stairs, sprint down the hall to the right room, get settled in. My school uses this ridiculous software for people who want to take exams on their laptop that requires you to look up your exam code online before starting. My internet decides it doesn't want to work and I can't get my code. I'm sweating, freaking out, luckily there's I.T. people walking around helping people out. The 6', 300 pound I.T. dude comes over and starts mouthbreathing in my face and poking at random keys on my keyboard and slowly moving his finger around the trackpad, basically being useless. It's officially 9:29 a.m., one minute before the exam starts, and no one else can start the exam until I get my shit together. So everyone's starting at me. I'm staring at the I.T. guy who is now slowly making circles with my mouse and making a soft "uhhhhhhh" noise. I snap and shout unnaturally loudly, voice shaking, "Can I just see that for one second?" and the guy says, "Yeah sure... go ahead," while he gives me the "you stupid fuck" look. I get online. Get my code. Log into the exam program. Everyone's still waiting for me. My exam software closes down and says, "Unexpected error. Report/Ignore?" It's 9:32 and people are moaning and whispering shit. Meanwhile I'm half drifting in and out of consciousness from lack of sleep and everything feels surreal. Finally, it works!

The exam proctors are always these super mean old ladies. One comes over and says loudly, "Miss, we can't start until you put your bookbag in the back of the class." Of course, I'm in the front row, I have to go up these steps all the way to the back to put it away. Also, I got dressed at 7:30 a.m. while half asleep and suddenly realize I'm wearing a see-through dress and one boob is gently trying to turtle-head its way out of the top. I readjust, run back to my seat and realize that my computer is running out of battery and my charger is in my bag. I raise my hand and ask to get it. It's now 9:35. People want to kill me. I run back and get it, shaking. Then I realize the hem of my dress is stuck to my tights and I basically look like a crazy person with my pantyhosed ass almost peeking out, trying to hold back the tears. The exam finally starts at 9:38. Eight minutes late, but while it was happening, it felt like fucking forever.

Oh yeah, plus a mini-superawk: In this same class, I sat next to an international student from Puerto Rico. Earlier in the semester, we were discussing plus-size models so the professor passed around an old issue of Vogue featuring lots of bbws, like we're talking size 14+, xxl (no hate). The kid next to me looks at the magazine of this topless bbw model and looks at me, does the old up-and-down look, and says, "I like them better this way anyway," and winks at me. All I can muster as a response was, "Oh... thank you so much..."

here's an old superawk from when i was in undergrad and my mom had just learned how to use AIM and was all excited about staying in touch more often. i'd put up a quote from aqua teen as my away message.

i sit in the front row of all of my grad school classes so i can see the board better and also so i'm forced to stay awake. i stayed up late doing homework one night and couldn't sleep because my mind was racing about all sorts of school bullshit i had to do, so i watched some dumb porn online until i finally felt really sleepy and closed my laptop.

the next day at my 9:00 am class, i open up my laptop and before i know it, the video i was watching the night before continues playing from where it left off last night. everyone in the entire classroom, going about seven rows back can see my screen and hear the video. there's a muscular latino man with greasy long hair and a shiny chest wearing 90s stonewashed jeans pulled down to his ankles. he's wearing socks. next to a christmas tree. a woman with a big ass is on top of him and he's grabbing her by the hair and whispering to her, urgently and with desperation, "touch my balls... touch my balls..." with a mexican accent and she's moaning that cheap porn moan. i'm frozen for a good three seconds, and finally snap my computer shut, but there's another two seconds before the computer goes into hibernate and the sound finally cuts out. i sit in the rest of my 1 hour 45 minute long class sitting with 100% perfect posture, sweating, not even taking notes, wishing i could die, feeling 300 eyeballs on my neck.