merry burger

so cold i finally caved and wore pants for the first time this season!

"New leaf," I thought to myself. It's my birthday this Saturday and I've been depressed about getting fat and old and dying alone, so today I decided to eat nothing all day and get my ass to the gym. Two and a half hours of squats and deadlifts later, my body was a quivering, shitty mess. But I felt great! This was two times in the gym in the past four months! New leaf.

I decided to keep this healthy kick going by getting some groceries. I emerged from Whole Foods lugging a tote bag with all of my school stuff, my bag of dirty gym clothes, a bag with a Uniqlo jacket in it that I didn't have time to return, and three gigantic brown paper bags full of economy-sized packages of carrots and onions, three family-sized packages of chicken wings, five pounds of kale, two buckets of Greek yogurt, and like, Urkel-levels of cheese. Shit was heavy.

It's been so cold in New York that basically if you're not wearing gloves, you may as well chop your hands off. Of course, I left all of my winter gear at my ex's, so I'm staggering home, gloveless, underdressed, hair wet from the gym shower, in high-heel boots, trying to navigate the four blocks from the subway to my apartment, in what felt like 50 mph of icy wind, and my hands were turning from purple to gray. My useless legs were shaking and my knees were buckling from going to the gym and not eating anything. Every half a block, the bags got so heavy I had to stop and put that shit down and rest.

My nose starts running uncontrollably, snot getting in my mouth. My hands are too full and numb to wipe it away. The frosty wind sting my eyes, which start tearing, so I basically look like I'm crying while stumbling home like a drunk with 6 bags in my hands. Then the paper handles on one of the bags decide to tear clean off so I'm then clutching my plastic tubs of kale to my chest with one hand and 5 bags in the other hand. My ankle gives way. I nearly step in what looks like a giant pile of human poop studded with peanuts on the sidewalk.

A man with a pit bull off the leash decides this is the perfect time to shout, "HEY GIRL, anyone ever tell you got some sexy legs? HEY Oriental girl! You hear me? HEY!" The giant pony-sized dog comes over and immediately shoves his snout directly into my crotch and starts making whuffling noises into it. I try to put down my bag of groceries to pet the dog and get its nose out from my ladyparts, the bag completely tears in half, and the pit bull runs away with my $7 block of New Zealand cheddar looking extremely pleased with himself. My nose is still running into my mouth and the man is still yelling at me about being a sexy Oriental girl, and sorry the damn dog took your cheese, girl. I'm actually crying at this point, it's no longer an illusion. Two more blocks to go. Can I kill myself now? Fuck winter.

Ugh, almost saw someone die on the 3 train. This belligerent homeless lady kept alternating between nodding off and shouting things like, "Imma fuck you up, you ugly BITCH" to this very obviously foreign tourist family. Then she got up and got in their faces, pointing, and screaming, "OH HELL NO! OH HELLLLL NO! I AIN'T TAKING THIS," and threw open the door and started to ride between the subway cars, holding onto those springy things on each side. From the little window on the door, we all watched as her head ducked lower and lower and lower as she slumped down. She was clearly very close to slipping onto the tracks.

I said in this panicky high voice, "Can someone please help her?" and this burly college kid opened the door, picked her up like a fireman, and put her back into her seat. She flailed her arms and said, "GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME, GODDAMN YOU SCARED ME, YOU MADE ME PEE," and she just started uncontrollably pissing everywhere.

Glad she didn't die though.

A little while back, I was at a birthday party in Williamsburg at an outdoor beer garden. There was a line to the one girl's bathroom that was at least 30-40 deep, this unbelievably long, winding line that wrapped around the entire place. There was an enormous 6'5", 400 pound, jacked bouncer that looked like something out of Marvel Comics standing about two feet away staring straight ahead with his arms folded, so I tried to make some small talk to take my mind off the fact that I may pee in my pants. "Hey, starting your own line over there, huh?"

He stared at me through his sunglasses and didn't say a word, his expressionless face didn't move at all. I thought he hadn't even heard me. Then, after what felt like an eternity, he slowly rolled over to me and said, "Come with me," in like a Matrix voice and grabbed me by the elbow. I was terrified. Was I getting thrown out? Maybe I had inadvertently made some kind of offensive joke about him being enormous? Then he took me to the very front of the bathroom line and said, "Go right ahead," and let me cut in front of all 40 of these angry girls.

When I got out, I offered to buy him a drink for this act of kindness.

Him: "Thank you - I'll have whatever you're drinking."

Me: (trying to think of something fun and festive to drink) "Hennessy?"

Him: "WHY?" (folds arms)

Me: "Uhh..."

Him: "BECAUSE I'M BLACK??"

Me: (mind racing) "Uh, hey man, I'm Asian and I drink Hennessy... What are you, some kind of RACIST?"

(30 seconds of silence, everyone staring)

My new bouncer friend and I got so shitfaced that night.

A friend asked me if she could sleep over at my place last night because there was a mouse in her room. I said yes, of course. I have a queen sized bed that's nice and comfy, and she's been a good friend for a long time.

She wants to talk until 4am and also laid in the middle of the bed with a pillow on her other side so she's super close to my face. She thrashed all night like Tina in Bob's Burgers,

and when she finally fell asleep, she rolled over and her mouth was on my hair and I could feel and smell her gross, hot, milky breath penetrating my scalp. Then she started farting.

This morning, she tells me that she would've stayed at her boyfriend's apartment, except he's left to see his parents for the holiday, and oh yeah, she got bit by bed bugs there. I try to stay calm while explaining to her that this may mean that she brought bed bugs into my new apartment and into my new bed and on my new sheets. She leaves my apartment (of course leaving my apartment door wide open in the process), while I'm on my hands and knees frantically searching for bugs and bites and eggs and bed bug poop. I buy $100 worth of bed bug protectants/sprays at Bed Bath and Beyond. I haven't found any bites yet, but everything itches just thinking about the possibility that I am now infested because of my friend's carelessness. She later texts me saying that if it makes me feel any better, I could use a hair dryer to kill the bed bugs.

I'm never letting any person -- man, woman, or otherwise -- into my bed again.

I was halfway through a bottle of wine with a classmate that I don't know very well. He was telling me about his miserable married life, and I was nodding and "mm-hmm"ing to show that I was listening intently. I shoveled another forkful of food in my mouth, when I felt the unmistakeable feeling of an incredibly long hair in my mouth. The waitress must have dropped this delightfully long, coarse DNA sample onto the plate. I casually tried to pull it out of my mouth without breaking eye contact, but I realized that it had already snaked halfway down my throat and there was no way I could pull the whole thing out without him realizing what I was doing.

I had the mental image of a magician pulling an endlessly long string of scarves tied together out of his mouth, and couldn't deal, so I just slowly pushed the hair back into my mouth, downed my glass of wine, and swallowed it while trying not to gag.

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Jil Sander skirt

cheap everything else