Blicero

I have an objectively pretty attractive girlfriend, but I'm kicking myself for not talking to the knockout who was eyeing me at the coffee shop this Sunday.

So hot. So incredibly hot.

On a creepy angle, I bluetoothed the coffee shop with my cell phone, and actually found her computer with her real name. But I googled it and it was too common to bring up anything useful.

I used to fantasize about abducting Jared from Subway and torturing him mercilessly.

No homo, I assure you.

maybe it's my goddamn teacher (I am 99% sure he is an android) who scrawls equations on the chalkboard with no facial expression at all and keeping a monotone drone for 2 hours straight.

Asperger's Syndrome. I'd figure there'd be a ton of people somewhere on the spectrum in engineering school.

I want to find an obscure village in Peru, take ayahuasca with a geniune shaman, and meet the crocodile-headed, self-proclaimed (and apparently lying) guardians of the lower universes.

In college we were doing the hungover brunch thing, at some shitty college diner.

My friend was drinking out of his tall water glass, and someone says "WTF is that?"

Suspended in the water was this fucking 5 inch long, translucent bug. You could see its internal organs or whatever the fuck they were. It had like 10 legs and antennae, too.

Hilarious.

When I hear a little kid speaking another language, I immediately think they're super smart. I know how ridiculous that is but I still think it.

And,

Once I got really high and spent 3 hours reading an epic-length "Mac vs PC" thread. At the time, I thought I'd discovered the source of all historical conflict.

I just remembered this and it filled me with embarrassment.

I am probaby older than most people here. I was already working in '94-95 when the internet really went big. The company I was working for got web access and a browser and put it on one computer in the IT guy's office; you were allowed to go check it out if you wanted.

Of course, I was in there all the time, cause I enjoy surfing the web as opposed to working.

One time, I was browsing lingerie sites cause I also enjoy seeing women in lingerie.

But one of the sites had pictures of men in their skivvies, too, which I'm less interested in.

But the fucking minute the site slowwwly loaded a page, there was a photo of a dude in some thong situation on the screen, just as the lardo IT guy walked in. He saw it, said "oooohkay", then backed slowly out of the room.

The guy couldn't look at me after that without laughing in my face, fucker.

Was Carmina Burna playing in the background when you unearthed it from a Sumerian burial ground?

This is pretty haunting. Claire Denis is a legit genius.

My work crush just walked into my office not 45 seconds after I ripped a ghastly one.

I jumped up and told her to follow me to the copy room to grab something.

I wish I had the confidence to just own a moment like that.

this page has been weak. let me hit you with the realness....

God, I want to take Princess Jasmine down so bad.

I dated the hottest little half Tunisian-half American girl who looked exactly like her. My ideal type.

On paper, this sounds like the worst: janitor at a nursing home one summer.

But I truly loved it. Put on the Walkman then scrub the toilets of elderly folks. No one bothered me all day long

One weird experience, though: an old dude showed me a photo he personally took of Hitler in the early 30s. It was pretty cool. But then he misplaced the photo or something, and accused me of stealing it. Which of course I hadn't.

Anyway, loved that job.

Top 3 fake band names you've made up.

Me:

1. The Mormon Nailers

2. Kennel Cough

Those are my favorite two.

blicero-who designs that jacket? i like it, but depends on the fabric make-up.

Surface to Air. It's 90% cotton and 10% others.

I had it in my hands, but it was too small. I kinda dug it but was on the fence about the whole thing.

babel.....

I watched that movie high, and it was so embarrassing I couldn't stand it. Those scenes of Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett were like the most pathetic Hollywood acting class ever.

The whole thing was flaccid yuppie porn reaching for some profundity about this whacky global world we live in...

Hated it.

I'm new. I suck.

Yay or nay?

Shit, at the risk of outwearing my welcome, I have a very similar confession to my first. It's not as bad, but in tandem, it's kind of pathetic.

I swear I have more going than whacking off to tv shows featuring ultra-strong women, but... the grad school I went to, when you get in, the admissions guy calls you personally to deliver the news.

When he called, I was mid-fap to a Xena episode, and for some reason I picked up the phone. I did that high-pitched surprised voice thing and he asks "is anything wrong?"

I've got a little problem.

I just started here, but I've long needed to unburden myself of this.

The day of my grandmother's funeral, I was like 17, and after the reception at her retirement home I was alone in her bedroom.

I turned on the tv and Wonder Woman was on.

I proceeded to fap to Wonder Woman while lying on my newly dead grandmother's bed.

I still feel really guilty about that.

I hate how the smallest purchase I make in New York for the past few years requires genius-level political skills to not end in grief.

Me: (beseeching voice) "Hi, how are you? May I please have a chocolate chip cookie? Thanks very much!"

Blisteringly angy cashier: *glares. Ambles over to get cookie. Returns 2 minutes later. Slams on counter* "That's $2.mumble mumble mumble."

Me: (can't see register). "OK!" *hands over $2*

Blisteringly angry cashier: " I SAID $2.19!"

Me: *throws quarter on counter* "Keep the fucking change, you fuck!"

This happens everywhere. I'm not a dick, I swear.

Yes, I know I'm absurdly new here.

"Alcohol is the anaesthetic from which you awake to find the operation has not yet begun."

- John Updike