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Inspired by:

http://www.superfuture.com/supertalk/showthread.php?t=164182

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1260502759.html

In typical south-east fashion, my friend Ashley has left her bike at my apartment. Knowing her natural hipster tendencies, nagging will only result in her running off to coffee or a garage sale instead of making a conscious effort to come to my house to pick up her bike. So, I am going to inform her of this awesome bike for sale. By honing her natural hipster desire to acquire a vintage bicycle at a really cheap price, I will lure her to my apartment. To anyone having greater than 3 tattoos but less than 10, cut-off-at-the-knee jeans, unkempt hair longer than 6 inches with one or more dreadlocks, ear lobes gauged greater than 14 but less than 6, or a trust-fund in your name..... I apologize. You have been duped by my clever advertisement for a vintage bicycle under $75 and will not be able to purchase this bike unless Ashley does not pick it up in 5 days. However, if she fails to pick it up, I will sell it to you... and you can ride it up and down Hawthorne with your butt-crack hanging out. You will be the envy of all other hipsters. But in the meantime, if you see Ashley at your coffee shop, poetry reading, veloship meeting, dragon boat practice, or garage sale.... please tell her I have her bike.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/1259077657.html

Hi everyone,

We have a beautiful 3 Bedroom, 1 1/2 Bathroom located in Back Bay.

About US: We are two girls entering our senior year of Emerson College studying journalism. We are laid back, studious, and very friendly.

Ideal roommate: Somebody laid back, social, and responsible.

P.S. Both of us are bi-sexual and sometimes host dildo parties with our girlfriends. Don't worry, it is usually about 10 people in one of our bedrooms.

Let us know if you are interested.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lan/1273689551.html

You were sitting a couple tables across from me. I was checking you out. You noticed. I winked. You rolled your eyes and left your table to talk to some guys at the bar. You left your purse hanging unattended on the back of your chair. I felt rejected, and a little pissed. You looked hungry. On my way out, I filled your purse with a vomit cocktail consisting of 1 part hamburger, 3 parts Miller Lites and 6 parts hot yellow foamy puke. If you had second thoughts after blowing me off, hit me back. I can't wait to hear from you!!!

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/rdd/1254029009.html

Last I heard, 12 people had committed suicide over Michael Jackson's death. I shit you not. And that was a few days ago, so even more ultra-sensitive souls might have offed themselves since then, for all I know. I haven't had the TV or radio on for days because if I hear one more update on Michael Jackson's death, I'm gonna go on a killing spree. I remember when Chevy Chase saying, "Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still seriously dead," was funny because it was a fucking JOKE -- but now it's on my goddamned TV 24 hours a day about this one-man circus! Especially infuriating are the perfectly-coiffed overly made-up "news"-sluts who ask one or both of these annoying questions over and over and over: "Who killed Michael Jackson?" and/or "What killed Michael Jackson?" MICHAEL FUCKING JACKSON killed Michael Jackson! And he did it in the conservatory with a mountain of drugs! I swear, this guy should be given a posthumous Nobel Prize for the MOST INEVITABLE DEATH EVER!

Hey, I liked the music, I really did. I enjoyed the Thriller video as much as anyone else. Anything that put Vincent Price to work is the bee's knees in my book. Yes, Jackson was talented, that is unquestionable. But there are a lot of extremely talented people in the world -- talented people who aren't also batshit crazy, and rich enough to realize every single solitary goddamned batshit crazy notion that pops into their spinning heads, and insane enough to keep doing it even after they can't afford to pay for it anymore! When those extremely talented people die, do I have to endure more than a week of wall-to-wall coverage (and it isn't over yet, people)? No! Sometimes I don't even hear that they're gone until days, weeks, or months later! I mean, if Jesus fucking Christ came in the clouds right now and the dead started rising from their graves, the story would be lucky to get a brief mention somewhere between the latest update on Bubbles the fucking Chimp and the weather report for Jackson's memorial service.

Paul Newman was one of the greatest movie stars Hollywood has ever seen, and a damned fine actor to boot, and he spent much of his long life quietly raising hundreds of millions of dollars to improve the lives of sick and dying kids -- and to the best of my knowledge, he never SLEPT with any of those kids, and if he DID, he wasn't so BUGFUCK CRAZY that he admitted it on television and then got his sequined panties in a bunch because all those nasty, mean people in the world just didn't understand what a wonderful thing that was. He didn't hire anyone to pop babies out for him so he'd have a little kiddie petting zoo, he didn't dangle any babies off of fucking balconies, and he didn't undergo countless plastic surgeries to mutilate himself into a GODDAMNED GELFLING FROM HELL! He got cancer, died, it was in the news for two or three days, TCM ran some of his movies, and it was over. If anyone deserved more than a week of chest-beating and garment-rending, it was THAT guy. But NOOOO! We reserve that for a guy who was so weird, he made the incredible nutjob Howard Hughes look like PAT FUCKING BOONE! I don't know who's more insane -- Michael Jackson or US.

Okay, rant over. Everybody go back to whatever it was you were doing.

GO!

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CAT FOUND!

I found this guy the other day on my back porch. I tried feeding him and it turns out that he is not very friendly because i think he may be scared. Not quite sure the breed but I am assuming he is part Siamese. I have him in a crate because he is not really house broken. If he is yours please reply.

9386465011.jpg9386465012.jpg

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My lame landlord won't let me have a pet and being the dog lover that I am, I would like to volunteer to walk someone's dog. I know there must be someone who works long hours or an elderly person who cannot get out. So if you have a doggy that needs to be walked give me a call or email me. I prefer some place close in the South Bay.

Thanks!

(310) 413-2272

Surely a trap. http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/vol/1368680615.html

HI!!!! GUY

WE ARE YOUNG THAI BOY 20-27 year olds. Handsome , Cute and Young Thai boy (((((Magic hand)))))

NAME::::: LEO,PETER,MATT,BRYAN,WOODY,ANDY,JUNIOR,JACKIE,NICK,COOKKIE

LOCATION:::::: West Hollywood ((((One block West Of Crescent High))))Main Stree Santamonica

PRICE:::::::

Thai Massage 45/hr.

Thai Combination 45/hr.

Swedish and Swedish Deep Tissue 50/hr.

We are Professional Thai Massage ,Thai Combiantion and Swedish ,Swedish Deep Tissue.((((Try Us))))))

Telephone:::: 323-654-2044

We Serve You {{{{{ FULL BODY Massage }}}}} and Give You {{{{{EXCELLENT Service}}}}}} Wow!!!!! Relaxing Massage and Very Happy

(((((Private Room))))))) and ((((((Same Picture)))))) PLEASE TRY US ONE TIME CALL!!!!!!323-654-2044

all of them? really? http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/ads/1358266912.html

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I swear I've never done this before and it took me all day to get the courage to write' date=' but I'll give it a shot.

This morning on the 504 we noticed each other noticing each other.

I was the girl with an orange top - inappropriately dressed for the office, and if I'm honest for my size as well. I have brown lanky shoulder length hair and a bad make up job. You were short (probably about 5'4'), balding, and if you're honest - inappropriately dressed for your size. So what. Even us fat/obese folks should be able to find love (or something like it) too right? If you see this, I'd love to meet up for some inappropriate behavior. Coffee is overrated, and just a detour really right? Just so I know it's you - what is the tattoo on my left breast (I couldn't help notice you looking) or tell me the name of that Japanese pornographic comic book you were reading? In the original script.

Look forward to hearing from you!

[/quote']

Oh fat people.

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Lesbians like sushi and bisexuals like hot dogs and sushi. Lesbians would never be interested in eating hot dogs. A lesbian can eat sushi all day every day and never consider hot dogs. In fact, lesbians can never eat too much sushi. A bisexual can go without sushi, then really miss the feel and taste of sushi, because there is nothing like sushi. Then they go out and get some sushi. They swear they can go without hot dogs, because sushi is so much better. They start to eat sushi all day every day. The lesbian continues to do the same.

Then one day the sushi is a little stale and the bisexual remembers how hot dogs are different. She didn't have that problem with hot dogs, at least not that she can remember. Eating hot dogs was easier and less complicated. The lesbian does not start to crave a hot dog when this happens. The lesbian knows she only likes sushi, so even though it got stale, she is still focused only on the sushi. She wants the sushi to get better, because she knows really great sushi is hard to find. The bisexual won't try as hard to figure out why the sushi got stale. Sooner or later she will do what is easier. She will go out for a hot dog. There are hot dogs on every corner and she knows she'll have a few to choose from soon enough. Perhaps she will just have hot dogs for a long time or will try some hot dog rolls or sushi dogs. This is why I prefer lesbians. The only problem is that they may go out for some completely different sushi, thinking that the new sushi will be different. But at least they are aren't out eating hot dogs.

------------------------------------------------

Ten years ago, in tears, you turned your beloved dog over to the Bellevue Humane Society. You had to move and your 3 year old dog could not go with you. The workers said that you (a man) cried as you left her there. You even told the folks at the humane society that she was half chow, half lab...One look at this fuzzy brindle pooch and you knew there was no such thing as a brindle chow OR lab..but there are brindle pitbulls...with a pit face, funny looking tiger stripes and lots of fur, I'm certain you thought this was going to be the end of the line for her.

What you need to know is that my best friend adopted her. My friend called me and said, "now, you have to get past her looks...she REALLY is sweet." Sure enough, she was sweet and for the next 10 years of her life lived the life you had hoped she would have. Her life was filled with swims, playmates, early morning walks, car rides, hikes and lots of love. She died in her bereaved owner's arms last Saturday, succumbing to the affects of advanced liver disease.

When she was adopted, it was obvious she had been loved and cared for..impeccible manners, good basic training and she really wanted to please. I hope you see this post so that you know that you did the right thing in surrendering her and can stop wondering. She lived the life she deserved.

--------------------------------------------------------------

from the pet section also:

I found four cockroaches in a box of Triscuit a few months back, I hate to have to get rid of them but I'm moving to a smaller place and won't really have the room for them any more. All four of them (Mingus, Dinky, Cleopatra, and Prickly Pete) are house trained and need nothing more than some rotting garbage and an occasional scratch behind the antennae. Rehoming fee of $15 each or $50 for all four, as I would like to see them all stay together.

----------------------------------------------------------

I WAS THE GUY IN THE 3RD BOOTH, YOU POKED YOUR FINGER THROUGH THE HOLE, I FOUND IT WIERD THAT YOUR KNUCKLES WERE THAT HAIRY, BUT I UNDERSTAND HOREMONES. I PUT MY STUFF IN THE HOLE AND YOU WENT TO TOWN. IT WAS THE BEST I EVER HAD. YOUR HANDS WERE KINDA BIG AND WHEN YOU CLEARED YOUR THROAT, YOUR COUGH WAS KINDA DEEP. I KNOW YOU WERE A WOMAN BECAUSE I AM NOT GAY. I LOVE YOU A LOT AND WANT TO MARY YOU. I CAME BACK LATER, BUT THERE WERE ONLY GUYS IN THERE.

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I always think of this one (old and everyone's seen it, I know):

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy.

I’m not from New York . I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don’t think I’m overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won?t get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

* Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

* What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won?t hurt my feelings

* Is there an age range I should be targeting (I?m 25)?

* Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I?ve seen really ?plain jane? boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I?ve seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What?s the story there?

* Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

* How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I?m putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I?m being up front about it. I wouldn?t be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn?t able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

PostingID: 432279810

THE ANSWER

Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.

Firstly, I’m not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here’s how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here’s the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won?t be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you?re 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold?hence the rub?marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense to ?buy you? (which is what you?re asking) so I’d rather lease. In case you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It?s as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as “articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful” as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn’t found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way.

Classic “pump and dump.”

I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know`

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http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mia/1143295553.html

My husband has asked for a rusty trombone for his birthday, which is Wednesday. I've scoured the pawn shops and music stores, and I haven't found one. I am guessing that rusty ones will be cheaper than new ones, and I don't know what the big deal is, but it's what he wants and he is very specific about it. I could have bought a dozen new ones at this point, but he says that a rusty trombone is nostalgic for him, so I suppose it will mean more. If you selling (or even giving away) a rusty trombone, please let me know what you have, how much it costs and how I can get it (will you deliver it, or will I have to go to you?). Also, suggestions on how to wrap such a thing? Please help, I am down to the wire on this thing and I don't like being this late with a gift!!!

edit: one more

To the woman who crapped in my car. - 25 (Las Vegas, NV)

Reply to: [email protected] [?]

Date: 2009-02-17, 6:31PM PST

To the woman that crapped in my car.

We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting at McFadden's sharing that basket of jalapeno poppers while drinking Guiness. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don't feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said "First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me" was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better...like when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat...

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call,

Tad

P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early.Touché.

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To the guy in my closet, you don't have AIDS - m4w (Staten Island)

Date: 2009-09-09, 8:53AM EDT

Reply To This Post

First off I want to relieve your fears that you probably don't or at least I hope you don't have AIDS.

When I came home 3 days ago I heard what was obviously mediocre sex going on in my bedroom. Since I quickly made the deduction that someone had probably not broken into my apartment for some quick copulation I figured I had just caught my wife cheating on me which I had long suspected. Your ofish grunts were so loud that I actually had to reopen the door and slam it again for you two to hear me. I stood in the entry for a while as I heard you both scramble before calling out that I was home.

When I walked into the bedroom my wife had some excuse about having a headache and when asked about the nighty she was wearing she said it was the most comfortable thing she could find. Oh...and btw, I don't know how many affairs that you participate in but a word of advice is that when you hide in the closest from an angry husbands you shouldn't leave a few toes hanging out from under the door. At this point I am in a bit of a predicament.... I could have the typical masculine response and open the door and beat the piss out of you but then you might file charges and quite frankly I just don't really care enough. Not to mention I don't know how big you are and I couldn't think of anything much worse than finding your wife cheating on you and then get pummeled by her new lover. It entered my mind to have some marathon sex and make you stand and watch the whole thing but seeing how she is a dirty whore the idea grossed me out a little. I came pretty close to just hanging out and masterbating but I am glad I went the direction I did.

So in liue of those options I thought of the funniest thing I could do for my own personal amusement. I sat her down on the bed and looked deeply in her eyes and told her that I had been diagnosed with early stages of AIDS. Recently I have had a series of colds and went to the doctor who told me it was probably just a string of bad luck and it was going around a little bit. The whole thing took about 2 hours and involved a lot of yelling, accusing and crying.

I felt like I hadn't punished you quite enough, even though I fully acknowledge that it really isn't your fault at all, so I told her that the illness was making me tired so I needed to lay down. I could hear her on the phone making an appointment with the doctor and I could hear you rustling around in the closest. You did a great job holding still seeing how you probably aren't used to standing in a 3'x4' closest for hours and hours on end but if I hadn't already known you were there you would have been caught for sure.

After about another hour of laying in bed thinking of what I was going to do I felt sorry for you to be mixed up in this crazy thing so I said I was going to go fill the prescriptions the doctor gave me and left the apartment so you could leave. I hope that you weren't too uncomfortable in there and actually felt a little guilty about it later.

Anyways, I put this in missed connections because I actually wouldn't mind taking you out and buying you a drink. After all that is some funny stuff to laugh about and you are saving me thousands in alimony since my wife cheated and the least I can do is repay you for a $4.00 beer.

Again no hard feelings and best of luck!

BTW, you might still want to get your self tested since my wife is a dirty whore.

http://newyork.craigslist.org/stn/mis/1365475612.html

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Original ad:

I am in need of a reliable and SAFE driver to take my 10-year-old daughter home from after-school soccer practice starting in September and ending in late November. She needs to be taken from school in Exton to home in Bryn Mawr. It should take about an hour each day. You will be needed Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fri. Looking for a safe driver with a clean driving record. E-mail at ***********@comcast.net with references. We can discuss compensation. Thanks!

From Me to ************@comcast.net

Good afternoon.

My name is Mike Partlow and I am very interested in this job. I have a lot of experience driving under dangerous conditions and guarantee your daughter will arrive safely at home every day.

If you are still looking for a dependable driver, please write back.

Sincerely,

Mike Partlow

From Kate ******** to Me

Mr. Partlow (can I call you Mike?),

I still am looking for a driver. Good to know you can handle dangerous conditions...but there probably will not be any dangerous conditions; you are just taking my daughter down Rt 3.

Tell me about yourself - are you a professional driver? Do you have any references from past jobs? What kind of car do you own? Is it reliable?

- Kate

From Me to Kate ********

Kate,

You can call me Mike. I was never one for formalities.

A little about myself, I am 37 years old, and worked as a mercenary driver in the Middle East. I have escorted important clients through high-risk areas in Iraq and Afghanistan for five years. I have seen a lot of action, and have ensured the safety of my clients. Out of all the jobs I have done, 90% of my clients arrived at their destination unharmed.

I have several references. I'll have one of them e-mail you.

My car is very safe and reliable - perfect for your daughter. It is an armored 2007 Chevy Suburban. All glass has been replaced with multi-layered ballistic glass capable of stopping a 7.62 x 39 bullet dead in its tracks. The doors, roof, and floor have been reinforced with ballistic steel/composite that can withstand IED blasts and stop grenade fragmentation. This car has been put to the test and will always deliver.

Safety and protection is my #1 priority. The car is fully loaded with an HK416 assault rifle that fire under the toughest conditions. The roof has a 40mm MK-19 automatic grenade launcher turret installed. Hopefully we won't have to use it, but it is good to have. I can't tell you how many times I've had to return fire against an enemy APC. I assure you that nobody will mess with your daughter as I escort her home from soccer practice.

Now lets discuss pay. I have various security packages I offer, and for your daughter I recommend my medium package which will run you $200 an hour. I also have a minimal package which is only $125 an hour. It is entirely up to you.

Let me know,

Mike Partlow

From Kate ******** to Me

This has to be a joke. This isnt Bagdad, it's suburban PA...

Are you just being sarcastic? What do you really drive? I want to pay 30 bucks a day, tops.

From Me to Kate ********

Kate,

Safety/protection is no joke. For $30, you are likely to get some 17-year-old kid who just got his license and will drive your daughter in his unarmored Ford Focus. I've seen an IED blow a Ford Focus into thousands of pieces, none larger than a golf ball.

My security package is well worth the $200 per trip. We will pick your daughter up in a random Suburban. Four trucks will pull up, and she will get into a random one every day. This is so the enemy does not know which one to attack. The Suburban she is in will have an armed security detail of men I have worked with in Iraq. We know what we are doing. She will be escorted in our convoy down the highway at a high rate of speed to avoid stopping in "kill zones." All vehicles are equipped with an MIRT which is used to change the traffic lights to green so we will not have to slow down. Your daughter will arrive safely in your arms no later than 20 minutes from when she is extracted from the soccer field.

Please reconsider my offer. You can't put a price on your daughter's safety.

From Kate ******** to Me

Stop wasting my time. Don't e-mail me again.

(later, from another e-mail account)

From Nick Walken to Kate **********

Dear Kate,

I am an old client of Mike Partlow. He told me that you wanted a reference for a job you are considering him for. Let me start off by saying, you could not have made a finer choice. Mike is the best there is. He literally saved my life countless times in Iraq. Whatever you are using him for, you have made the right choice. You will be 100% safe.

When I think about my experience Mike, one time stands above the rest. Back in 2005, I was a contractor in Iraq and had hired Mike's security detail to escort me through Fallujah. Everything was going fine until our convoy was hit by an IED. I don't remember much, but next thing you know, I woke up in a Republican Guard prisoner camp with Mike. I thought we were goners. They took me and Mike into a hut, where there were at least eight armed soldiers placing bets. They were going to make Mike and I play Russian Roulette. Mike convinced a soldier to let him play with three bullets, instead of one, which I thought was crazy. Mike even put the gun to his head once and pulled the trigger. He started laughing, and the soldiers started laughing too. When they let their guard down, he immediately shot three of them in the head, grabbed one of their AKs, and gunned down the other five soldiers. I didn't think we would make it out of that one alive, but thanks to Mike's heroic actions, I am here today.

You cannot go wrong with Mike Partlow. He is the best of the best. One time he killed an entire truck of insurgents using just a fork from his salad. He makes do with what he has and will survive the worst of situations.

If you have any more questions about Mike, please don't hesitate to contact me. I owe the man my life.

Nick

From Kate ******** to Me

what in the hell...

More at http://dontevenreply.com/ .

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http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/101753746.html

I hate to do laundry.

I hate to do laundry.

No, I mean, I REALLY hate to do laundry.

I've got enough clothes that I don't have need to do laundry more often than once per month. And I've got two (probably closer to three) months of underwear and bras and socks and such, so if I don't get my clothes noticeably dirty, I can just Frebreeze it and put it back in the rotation.

But I've getting to the end of my supply (both the outer clothes and the underclothes). So......

Come to my place (near Shattuck & Virginia) and do my laundry.

Wash it, dry it, fold & put it away (in the dresser, closet, etc). I've got what's about 8-12 loads in the corner of my room (my laundry hamper is SO overflowed). I've got the washer, the dryer, detergent, and all that. I just don't actually want to do it.

Between putting loads in the washer and putting them away after they come out of the dryer (but there probably won't be too much time), so long as the laundry keeps getting done & put away, you can do what you want. Read a book. Watch a DVD on the home theater. Talk to me (I work in a public policy foundation for public health issues). A not-so-subtle hint: A shower after ten hours of laundry and before getting your reward will is highly recommended! Do whatever, just get the laundry done.

I'll be around. I'll probably have my nose stuck in a journal or three (remember that public health policy thing?). Or maybe my friends will come visit after the IDPA shoot (look it up if you're curious; it doesn't mean darts). Whatever. Don't mind me, just get my laundry done.

When everything is washed, folded and put away, I'll give you a blowjob. I give great blow jobs (You can ask one of my exes); they're toe-curlers. Of course, you could also go by the Pizza Theory.

There's one washer, one dryer, and a lot of laundry (maybe eight to twelve loads), so it'll probably be an all day event. If you fuck up a load, well I'm a fan of getting things done right, so you'll either wash & dry them again, or you won't get rewarded. I've got Wednesday off from work, or I guess Sunday could be laundry day.

Tasteful pictures are a plus, but don't worry too much if you don't have one. Just convince me that I should let you do my laundry. A couple of spelling and grammar errors won't eliminate you, but you'd be a fool to think it didn't count (if you can't construct a sentence, why would I think you're competent enough to fold my underwear?). Pictures of your johnson (particularly if it shows sores and lesions) will become my new dartboard target and your e-mail will go into my Trash folder.

PostingID: 101753746

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this is old man. Besides most of the threads lately have been old bumps not new. This thread is golden, don't hate.

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I want some orange juice

Date: 2009-01-07, 10:08PM EST

I'll give you $2 + cost if you'll deliver me some orange juice with receipt. I'm too lazy to get it myself. I live right by University Drive in Elon. Thank you.

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They took me and Mike into a hut, where there were at least eight armed soldiers placing bets. They were going to make Mike and I play Russian Roulette. Mike convinced a soldier to let him play with three bullets, instead of one, which I thought was crazy. Mike even put the gun to his head once and pulled the trigger. He started laughing, and the soldiers started laughing too. When they let their guard down, he immediately shot three of them in the head, grabbed one of their AKs, and gunned down the other five soldiers.

That was actually DeNiro in The Deer Hunter.

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