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dear ... [an open letter]

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dear dad,

thanks for leaving me and mom to live in a shit neighborhood. thanks for not teaching me about birth control. thanks for having borderline personality disorder. thanks for letting me grow up where pr kids beat my ass to the point that i shoot steroids and fuck up strangers. thanks for male patterned baldness. thanks for having huge feet that i inherited so i can;t buy shoes. kthnkbai.

- kunk

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Guest kas.

dear *,

you are the only person i have ever actively regretted meeting or getting to know.

dear conan,

i miss u so, where did u go?

feels like foreva since u

been gone\\\\\\

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Dear Superfuture,

I remember the days when you didn't suck. Don't you remember those days? O how I yearn for those days...

Toodles,

Wayne

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hey shit is going aiight right now. it's starting to pick up a lil

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dear dad,

thanks for leaving me and mom to live in a shit neighborhood. thanks for not teaching me about birth control. thanks for having borderline personality disorder. thanks for letting me grow up where pr kids beat my ass to the point that i shoot steroids and fuck up strangers. thanks for male patterned baldness. thanks for having huge feet that i inherited so i can;t buy shoes. kthnkbai.

- kunk

The fact that you can fit a 46 in CP's puts the rest of this in perspective. I mean shit, I'd need at least a 48 in CP's according to popular myth.

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Dear Sailor Jerry,

we had not met in ages, so you can imagine my joy when we ran into each other at the grocery store. I don't regret taking you home with me, and I can't wait until we hang out again tommorrow night. I almost hope you make me puke, so I can relive some good times from the past.

Yours truly,

-Benjamin

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Dear Robert Geller,

I bought one of your jackets recently (Fishtail Toggle Parka). I love it, but it does not fit me, which makes me very sad. To be direct as possible, if you cut the jackets a little more generously in the shoulders in chest and make the sleeves a tad bit longer, it would not sacrifice the integrity of the slim look nor would it compromise your consumer base. I'm just abnormally tall and skinny with broad shoulders, so I have trouble with all clothes, which should not influence your design process at all. Anyways, just thought I'd let you know because I am a fan and I look forward to seeing more of your designs in the future.

Thanks,

-Max Gardner

(I actually sent him this email a couple days ago.)

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I gave grace the letter I wrote her and she wrote me one back:

I fucking love you!

You are my best friend too, we can grow up together and when we are

eighty we can snort anything and everything off toilets in walmart

while youngins wipe our asses. And we won't have to worry about

getting caught "sneaking out" because we won't have to. You are the

sweetest thing I have ever met even though you can be kinda mean

sometimes, but so can I. I am glad you understand me even when I am on

xanax and running around like a mad woman. When you weren't at school

all I did was eat lunch and sleep. It was so fucking boring. You make

my day everyday. You are so pretty and I don't think I could ever be

without you. EVER. If I was I don't know what I would do. Probably

sleep all the time and just sit around and draw... and fail school.

Holly will/could never replace you in a zillion billion million years,

she is just too lame and fat for me to hangout with, and she hangs out

with too many fat people, and she is dating Dewey, FUCKING EW! I don't

care if my dad hates you because you are my best friend and he can

fucking suck my big nigger dick if he thinks he can stop up from

hanging out. You said just about everything anyone could ever say

about us. Thank you for being my best friend. Lets go to VCU together,

and sneak out tonight.

with more love than you could carry in kendra's vagina.

grace

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Joanna,

You've seen Scrubs right? Remember JD? How everytime he sees a hot girl he goes crazy trying to work for her and as soon as he gets her he freaks out and ruins everything... thats me.

When I found out you were a lesbian I saw it as a challenge. I thought you were far too hot to be dyking it out and frankly it was a shame for all man-kind. Now that I've converted you I'm nervous I'm gonna ruin it. Right now you're fascinating. And funny, which is crazy unusual. And I think if I come over and find you in bed with some girls and I get invited to join, all my fears will be relieved, but until then... I'm nervous I'm gonna ruin everything.

I hope I'm not JD.

-thorns

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yo i fucking hate zach braff. hes a cunt prick

n1088280307_30655280_8475.jpg

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Guest kas.

I enjoy this thread much more than superconfessional.

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dear ___,

we used to be the best of friends before we both started seeing people and kinda drifted apart. (like 2.5 years ago)

I have tried numerous times to reinstate contact since then but apparently you just don't give a shit.

You're getting married now and I get the message via your fiancee's big community email? what if I wasn't on her email list?

I should just let go and forget you but I can't fathom why you would just leave me hanging like that. we were freaking best friends!! I hate that I feel bad about this, I wish I could simply cut you out of my life and keep on doing my thing. fuck feelings.

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dear ___,

I wanted to slap/punch/whatever the hell out of you when you told me that you love me when we were fucking last time.

sincerely yours,

W

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Dear X,

I'm not sure what I did to offend you or wrong you but I'm sorry and I enjoyed your company for what it was worth.

I'm aware that you feel friendships are fickle and that people are selfish assholes who only care for themselves. Unfortunately that is exactly what you are, a selfish asshole.

I wish the best for you and that our paths cross in the future and perhaps we can speak again then.

Sincerely,

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I gave grace the letter I wrote her and she wrote me one back:

I fucking love you! you are so pretty and skinny blahbalaahablahablahhhh

post xtube video of your bicurious "slumber party" or please

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

-----------------------

Dear Neighborhood Fish Monger,

Normally you take really good care of me.

Telling me what the freshest catch is. What's in season.

Whether the chuu toro is worth the price today right or not.

And I don't know how to say this, but I have to tell you a secret. See last night, your eldest daughter--yeah, the fine one who is about to graduate from high school. Well, I saw her out at a club.

And, uh, she was doing things that would make you very very very violent if you knew about them.

Never been a snitch and I don't think I have the heart to tell you.

But, just thought I would put it out there.

Anyway, I hope you have some good octopus next week, I am having company and am going to do that lemon/basil salad concoction you got me hip to.

-salaryman.

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dear certain sufu posters (i think you know who you are ;) ),

you make my day each post that you make.

i love finding new posts and laughing my ass off at them or being quite astounded by them.

plz dont stop.

<3 always,

julz

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Dear old lady who nearly ran over me and then wagged your finger at me before blazing off at 3 MPH,

Fuck you.

Your friend,

-gbc

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Dear One of my Bosses,

Your suits are about 3.5 times too big for you.

Those glasses were almost popular 40 years ago.

1000yen haircuts are for college students.

People notice how often you spill coffee on yourself.

Your desk is covered in pocky stick crumbs but smells like mouthwash.

You wear back support shoes, even when we meet clients who could buy small countries.

I am pretty sure you eat ramen for dinner at least 5 nights a week.

T handle on your briefcase is falling off.

Also, you are probably one of the smartest guys I've ever met in my entire life,

try hard not to change anything.

Thanks.

-salaryman

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dear 38 year old white trash bitch in my sociology class,

get the fuck over yourself, you have a kid whos dropped out of college cause hes as big a fuck up as you. stop talking down to me and shaking your head when i talk in class, you're fucking stupid as hell. i hate connecticut so fucking much.

sincerely, the "ignorant fashion major who's spoiled."

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Guest kas.

Dear scott.M

I really enjoy your avatar, that might be my favorite movie

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Dear Scott M.,

wtf are you talking about, I thought you were in HS.

-Jeep

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dear jeepster and servo,

i'm in my second year of college.

Jeez.

Dear Scott M.,

Try to move beyond HS personality flaws.

-The Management

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dear faggots in my anthro class,

all three of you look like that bully from a christmas story, i fucking hate how every class you quote family guy and in succession go "giggity" "giggity" "goo"

you are the reason why i hate intro classes, i doubt any of you will ever see a 300 level course, i would bet my life that 2/3 of you wont even graduate.

you make me embarrassed for going to the same school as you

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dear 38 year old white trash bitch in my sociology class,

get the fuck over yourself, you have a kid whos dropped out of college cause hes as big a fuck up as you. stop talking down to me and shaking your head when i talk in class, you're fucking stupid as hell. i hate connecticut so fucking much.

sincerely, the "ignorant fashion major who's spoiled."

Dear scott.M

I really enjoy your avatar, that might be my favorite movie

Dear Scott M.,

wtf are you talking about, I thought you were in HS.

-Jeep

Dear Scott M,

If you aren't, you sure seem like you are.

- Ian

dear jeepster and servo,

i'm in my second year of college.

Jeez.

Dear Scott M.,

Try to move beyond HS personality flaws.

-The Management

dear scottM-

lol @ fashion major

signed,

jayrock

This thread just became ironic.

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