Jump to content
haptronic

dear ... [an open letter]

Recommended Posts

there must be someone in your life that you haven't contacted recently, there is no better time than now to do so, feel free to share any such correspondence in this thread

..................................................................................................................

dear mum,

it has been sometime since we last corresponded, I wanted to tell you a little of what it is like in america.

at first i thought that people were a little distant not like home at all, but more and more i am finding out how friendly people are, it seems like almost everywhere i go somebody stops to talk to me, often the ask if i have any spare change it is so very thoughtful of them to make sure i have money on me.

it seems that everybody is rich here as there are a lot of them walking around with spare time on their hands as if in their own little world, daydreaming i suppose, my friend told me that were called crackheads, this had me a bit worried that they might be violent going around giving people a crack all the time. it turns out that crack is some kind of drug, the good thing about america is that they have a shop that you can get this from

my.jpg

in fact in america they seem to have a shop for everything and to make it easy the have signs above the door to let you know exactly what they sell, which i am sure that you will agree makes things a whole lot easier for everyone.

new.jpg

something that i do miss from home is food, there is no such thing as a sausage roll here, and it is very hard to get a decent steak pie, i know that you worry about what i eat, and i do try to eat healthy. i have to admit that the other day i was really hungry and thought about getting a burger and chips, i looked for a takeaway and all i could find was a mc donalds, i know that you definately don't like me eating that, the amazing thing about america is that even the fast food restuarants put up a helpful sign that let me know the best thing to do

home-.jpg

as you can see america is a good place they seem to think of everything and make sure that they are looking after people,

miss all of you

love

hap

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

dear cranky old dude that lives in the house across the road.

please stop taking my newspapers.

thank you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
dear cranky old dude that lives in the house across the road.

please stop taking my newspapers.

thank you.

BOO RADLEY!

I'm actually reading To Kill A Mockingbird right now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear Little Bro,

Its been too long.

Mom says you are doing alright, in school, got a job, all that stuff.

But, I know better. Last time we talked you had like $600 in back speeding tickets to pay you hadn't told her about, you were pulling a C- in some class which sounded like high school health, and your girlfriend was some hot skinny piece that always wanted to buy scratch tickets and beef jerky every time we stopped for gas.

And you had just bought a new set of golf clubs on eBay.

Mom said you asked her if it was ok to sell my TV, DVD player, old car, and camera for some cash. Of course its fine, but I hope you're not a crackhead. And if I find out you bought scratch tickets with the money, I will probably burn your Iverson jersey and tell your girlfriend's parents how you were the one who ran over their dog.

Being in a foreign country its sometimes hard for me to be there and tell you to keep your life in check and to be nice to Mom and take out the trash. But this is me saying it.

By the way, enclosed is $15, don't spend it all in one place.

Much love,

-salaryman

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
hap, that reads like some comedy a 12 year old wrote..

ur mom thinks ur still that funny 12 yo?

no she actually thinks i am a pretend gangsta/keyboard warrior...oh well

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

man...this gonna be on some corny Bruce Willis 'The Kid' shit, but if there's a certain parallel universe where this shit is still going on -

Dear Myself, 17 Years Ago:

Keep at it kid, it gets better!

-M

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear Laura,

Its been a long time since we talked. I really still hate you a lot, and over time you've gotten uglier and progressed into looking more middle-aged than most people who actually are middle-aged, but such is the way of the Jewess. Maybe you've broken 5'2", but you will never be attractive. Maybe I'll see you in temple sometime (Passover's coming up!).

Until then,

-Max

I couldn't think of anything better.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear Libby,

I hope that you never changed your ways. I always admired your eccentricities, and pray that they never died out in california/washington. I believe that if i follow your example, and in the purest sense possible, "dont give a fuck," that our paths will once again cross.

godspeed,

phillip

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

dear guy,

i had a bad dream about you the other night... i guess cause i legitimately care about you as a friend.

anyway, you fucked up with me. i know you dont have a cell phone but i wish i knew how to contact you and make sure you arent in some really bad shit and are still pursuing your art and not getting arrested for tagging airplanes.

stop dating those whores and get yourself a good girl. hope to hear some good news from you someday soon.

always,

julz

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear lil bro,

I miss you and I wish I made the right decision to take the holidays off to see you back home.

Promise to spend time with you over summer. We can finish Resistance, Resistance 2 and Little Big Planet together. Awesome?

Study hard.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
dear guy,

i had a bad dream about you the other night... i guess cause i legitimately care about you as a friend.

anyway, you fucked up with me. i know you dont have a cell phone but i wish i knew how to contact you and make sure you arent in some really bad shit and are still pursuing your art and not getting arrested for tagging airplanes.

stop dating those whores and get yourself a good girl. hope to hear some good news from you someday soon.

always,

julz

is your friend osama?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
dear girl in my dream about 2 hours ago,

you have the hottest rack.

nice.

p.

southpark-cheesing-majorboobage.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
is your friend osama?

no,no..... thats my uncle, silly!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

dear de anza girl

you eye fucked the shit out of me, sorry i never went up to you and said hi.

shit i must be a pussy. :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear "the only scene/hip-set chick that I go to school with",

I saw you in the cafeteria twice in the last two days. Your hair reminds me of that dude keagan from the internet. But I would never tell you that. You have a nice body, but you are under 5'5", which is an issue. You throw just as many looks at me as I do at you. We should fuck.

Cheers,

Max

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dear "the only scene/hip-set chick that I go to school with",

I saw you in the cafeteria twice in the last two days. Your hair reminds me of that dude keagan from the internet. But I would never tell you that. You have a nice body, but you are under 5'5", which is an issue. You throw just as many looks at me as I do at you. We should fuck.

Cheers,

Max

if she's loooking at you as much are you're looking at her, then its time to smash. girls who aren't interested at all won't even bother looking.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
if she's loooking at you as much are you're looking at her, then its time to smash. girls who aren't interested at all won't even bother looking.

I've seen her around with some boyfriend-type azn altbro that she brings over occasionally.

I am superior and yes, you are right, it is time to smash.

Gotta get her name too.

Or maybe anonymity is better?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

dear sis

hope you are well

looking forward to seeing you in a month or so

see you are still smoking *tut* not that I'm one to talk maybe we should quit together eh?

and it seems you also have a boy toy I'm sure I disapprove but if you like him...then I'll do my best to be nice.

I understand why you won't let the parentals into your internet world never fear I won't tell

I'll bring something for your birthday too sorry I've been a bit self involved of late

I wanted to call you and say can't believe your almost grown and my heart fills with joy every time I think of that day you came back from the hospital and I first saw you.

sucks that you'll always be that little girl I want to protect from the world

I'll get over myself someday

any way

much love

bruv

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
dear sis

hope you are well

looking forward to seeing you in a month or so

see you are still smoking *tut* not that I'm one to talk maybe we should quit together eh?

and it seems you also have a boy toy I'm sure I disapprove but if you like him...then I'll do my best to be nice.

I understand why you won't let the parentals into your internet world never fear I won't tell

I'll bring something for your birthday too sorry I've been a bit self involved of late

I wanted to call you and say can't believe your almost grown and my heart fills with joy every time I think of that day you came back from the hospital and I first saw you.

sucks that you'll always be that little girl I want to protect from the world

I'll get over myself someday

any way

much love

bruv

This sounds like the beginning of an incest porno.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome bro

tell your sister I said "whats up"

hur hur hur

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
sorry I meant go fornicate yourself

chill bro, chill.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear pencil that broke on me during that one test and fucked up my scantron,

Fuck yourself.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

dear pencil that broke on jimbo69's one test that fucked up his scantron,

good work. as we begin the exodus of obama's reign, i hope that you will continue to, regardless of economic hardship, ruin his life.

p.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
dear sis

hope you are well

looking forward to seeing you in a month or so

see you are still smoking *tut* not that I'm one to talk maybe we should quit together eh?

and it seems you also have a boy toy I'm sure I disapprove but if you like him...then I'll do my best to be nice.

I understand why you won't let the parentals into your internet world never fear I won't tell

I'll bring something for your birthday too sorry I've been a bit self involved of late

I wanted to call you and say can't believe your almost grown and my heart fills with joy every time I think of that day you came back from the hospital and I first saw you.

sucks that you'll always be that little girl I want to protect from the world

I'll get over myself someday

any way

much love

bruv

always writing some evocative, suggestive and transgressive shit Eccles. my man...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Luisa via Roma (US)
    Brand - 125 x 125