The Joke Thread

[vitasoy]

to who?

890

[FranklinCosgrove]

To whom.

..

[inc abs man]

Use DEDUCT, DEFENSE, DETAIL, and DEFEAT in a sentence.

DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE, but DETAIL landed before DEFEAT. (the duck jumped over the fence but the tail landed before the feet)

Use DEPOSIT in a sentence.

Please check the bathroom. I think DEPOSIT is leaking. (the faucet)

Use PAMPERS and PAPERS in one sentence.

At the gasoline station, I asked the attendant, "Do I PAMPERS or do I PAPERS?" (pump first, pay first)

Use MASTURBATION is a sentence....

Third world countries suffer from MASTURBATION (mass starvation).

[f50fan]

That joke needs a "say these in filipino accent" before it ^^^

[dranoelsy]

What did the chemist say when he found two isotopes of Helium?

"HeHe."

sup berndog

[wizard4life]

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

"Keep the tip"

[wizard4life]

What happened to the zombie that was late for dinner with his girlfriend?

He got the cold shoulder

[chromesquared]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple are sitting in the living room one evening, and the wife starts to watch a cooking show on the television.

The husband asks, “What you watching that for? You can’t cook!”

Wife replies, “You watch porn don’t you?”

[chchchip]

She was so fat

her blood type was Ragu.

She was so fat

two guys could fuck her and never meet.

[Aeroplane]

why'd the dude sleep under his car?

he had to wake up oily in the morning

[tac0tron]

Why was Turquoise killed in a CIA mission?

Because he Blue his cover.

:3

[morse9443]

what's a foot long with a purple head and scares the shit out of women?

crib death

[renski]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking

up on that morning... I went downstairs for breakfast hoping

my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!',

and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone

'Happy Birthday.'

I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....

They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't

say a word.. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low

and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,

'Good Morning Boss, and by the way, Happy Birthday ! '

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door

and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside,

and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,

just you and me..' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing

I've heard all day. Let's go !'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We

had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a

beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office,

Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'

She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner..'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,

'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom

for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,

she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by

my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,

all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.

[_ironman]

sounds familiar

http://www.superfuture.com/supertalk/showpost.php?p=2504131

[Pavlov's Bell]

Guy comes home at night, opens the front door and shouts "Honey! I just won the lotto! Go pack a suitcase!"

Wife says "That's amazing! What should I pack for? The beach? The countryside? The big city?"

Husband says "I dont give a shit where you go, just get the fuck outta my house!"

[into the rain]

WHY IS IT THAT IRAQI WOMEN NEVER SLEEP WITH AMERICAN SOLDIERS?

Because they always talk about pulling out, but never actually do.