The Joke Thread

[ThugLife]

A drunken bum told me this one.

A man's wife comes to him and says:

Honey I really think I should get breast implants.

The man surprised says: What honey? Your boobs are fine. I've never complained. Why would you want implants? Plus, that is way too much money.

So she replies: I don't know I just feel like I want bigger boobs at this age.

So the man says: Alright honey, I have an idea. Grab a piece of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs. Just wipe it up and down in between your boobs.

She says: What?! How is that going to make my boobs bigger?!

He replies: Well it worked for your ass didn't you?

[incob123]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes.

,

,

,

,

,

,

,

nothing, you already told her twice.

[Handlethevibe]

I just read this today, and fucking DIED.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife is dead.

[mr fluffernutter]

LOL wwwwwwhhattttttt

[Phyziks]

At first I thought it was one of those jokes where the question and the answer had no correlation, but it was still funny. Then I realized come = cum.

[Orion]

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment, for swine flu you need oinkment.

so bad...

[eightfour]

A man walks into a bar.

He has a drinking problem and it's destroying his family.

[sawn-off chef]

whats the difference between a dead baby and a pizza?

i don't masterbate when i eat pizza!

(10)

[fffffut]

im starting a hiphop label called ahab records

im gonna be searching for a white wale

[julianREE]

what's the hardest thing about rollerblading?

...telling your parents you're gay.

[billsayers]

What do you do when the dishwasher breaks?

You kick her ass out.

What do you ask a woman lounging by the pool?

What are you doing out of the kitchen?

[dhaddict 82]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

[chromesquared]

A man takes a walk into the countryside and comes upon an old country boy set upon his porch. They exchange pleasantries and begin to chat.

The guy on the porch says, "Im having a party tonight. Theres gonna be lots of drinking, fightin, an fucking. You wanna come?"

The man laughs and says, "Sure, what should I bring?"

The man on the porch says, "Oh, you dont need to bring nothin, its just gonna be me and you."

[lovinthee47s]

Why did all the black people die during the Vietnam War?

Because when the captain officer told everyone to "get down!", all the black people got up and started dancing.

[wizard4life]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly...

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

[okonomi]

There was a mexican firefighter who had two sons. He called the first one Jose, what did he call the second one?

Hose B.

(Kinda doesn't work in text).

[phen3N]

what's the hardest thing about rollerblading?

...telling your parents you're gay.

c9q30Ce2vwE

[goat]

the best joke to this day is the one about the Jew that pops a boner, walks into a wall, and breaks his nose.

[goat]

How is Tiger Woods different than Santa?

Santa stopped after 3 Ho's

what's the difference between a golf ball and a SUV?

Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 300 yards.

[Hendodo]

LOL, goat

why do eskimos make spherical igloos?

so penguins can't hide in the corners

[transactionfee]

What do vegan zombies eat?

GRAAAAAAAAAAINS!!!!

[kuhhlowe]

What does Cinderella say when she gets to the ball?

*gag*gag*cough*gag*

[goat]

[6ixes&7evens]

so i ran over a cat today...

itwasjustakitten

[16steps]

two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks

[Bona Drag]

2 dudes go camping

after a couple days of hiking together they decide they need a break from each other's company so each goes off and does his own thing for a day and then they meet back at the campsite that night

1st dude asks 2nd what he did

'aw man it was crazy...i went off the trail and started following these train tracks for a while, and then i found this woman tied to them...so i set her free and we go over to this field of wildflowers nearby and had like the craziest, nastiest sex you can imagine'

1st dude starts laughin, says 'damn dude, thats crazy...straight to fuckin, you didnt even let her start you off with like a blowjob or something?'

2nd says 'naw man, i couldnt find her head'

[FranklinCosgrove]

Here is a really good joke for everyone who is a psychic.

.

[haploid]

.

Edited July 7, 2018 by haploid

[Akura]

Two guys who are college buddies catch up at a bar. One friend is rich and the other is poor. So both of their anniversaries are coming up and the poor guy asks the rich friend what he got for his wife. He says, " I got her a diamond necklace and a Porsche. " The poor guy goes why'd you get two presents? The rich friend says, "If she doesn't like the necklace I can return it and she can keep the car." So the rich friend asks the poor guy what he got his wife. He says ,"I got her a t-shirt and a dildo." The rich friend goes "why'd you get her two gift?" The poor guys says...

Because if she doesn't like the t-shirt she can go fuck herself!

[goat]

So did Gary Coleman die of a heart attack, or was it a Diff'rent Stroke?

It's a shame about Gary Coleman....his life was so short.

EDIT: not a joke, but gonna need somebody to update that "Kick flipping out a coffin" thread