dirty jokes thread.

[mizanation]

make me laugh, i demand you.

[mizanation]

i'll go first.

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"

The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and lets have a look".

"Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"

Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".

The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".

Patient replies "He fingered me first".

[cuddlysheep]

what you call two latinos playing basketball?

juan on juan ..har harr.

[mizanation]

dirty jokes only. that one sucked. neg rep for you.

[onemancult]

try this:

a little kid finally, after much begging and pleading and convincing, gets his mother to let him walk to the nearby park by himself. proud and beaming with courage, the boy says goodbye to his mother, kissing her on the cheek, and says "i'm a big boy, mama!" right

before bounding out the door.

as he's walking down the block, he notices his friend and his friend's mother turning

the corner to enter the park. "i'm not going to chase after them. i'm a big boy now, and i will see my friend when i get to the park," he says to himself as he trots along.

right then, a beat up navy blue car pulled up next to the boy and a voice from inside called out to him: "hey kid! hey kid, come here!"

the boy knew that his mama told him not to talk to strangers. he peeked over,

and saw that it was an old man. mama also said to always respect your elders..

"please come here kid, i just need to ask you a question."

the boy decided that the old man could not be a bad man, and walked over

to the car.

"what's wrong mister?"

the old man held up a bag of candy.

"if you come in my car, kid, i'll give you a piece of candy!"

the boy's eyes went wide at the sight of the huge bag of candy, and

after thinking for a second, the boy looks right at the old man and says:

"fuck mister! for that whole bag of candy, i'll come in your mouth!"

[ktouran6923]

how do you attract a vegetarian?

make a sound like a wounded vegetable

[mizanation]

omc, that was a good one and produced a actual audible chuckle.

ktouran, i will neg rep you for a thousand years for that piece of shit joke.

[ktouran6923]

I knew it would be appreciated

[mizanation]

^^^ no, i'm serious. go fuck off.

[onemancult]

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[onemancult]

An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.

After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".

The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."

[onemancult]

One day a single mother was in the grocery store with her 4 kids. They were acting up. Bad little kids. They were running around grabbing items off the shelves crying and screaming all over the place. The mother grabbed all and said "I should of swallowed all of you!"

[seemeugly]

What's better than raping a five year old?

NOTHING.

[mizanation]

One day a single mother was in the grocery store with her 4 kids. They were acting up. Bad little kids. They were running around grabbing items off the shelves crying and screaming all over the place. The mother grabbed all and said "I should of swallowed all of you!"

excellent. excellent....

[Chicken]

this is an old one, but an american guy goes to [enter any asian country here] for a business meeting with a new client. when he gets there, he has a night to himself before the next day when he has to go and play golf with his client.

so naturally, he hires a hooker, gets her to his hotel room and bangs the crap out of her. as he's doing her, she keeps yelling "kiwa! kiwa!" so he's like, aha, kiwa means great in this country. that's right bitch, i'm fucking kiwa!

next day, he's on the golf course with his client. his client hits a great shot at a par 3 and actually makes a hole-in-one.

trying to impress, our guy yells out "kiwa!" to his client, where the client angrily yells back, "what do you mean wrong hole?"

[onemancult]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

[mizanation]

yes, yes. i feel dirty laughter bellowing from my loins.

[Chicken]

probably many people have heard this one already, but this guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. the tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. this other guy notices it. "hey, what's that?"

"a twelve-inch pianist. ya see, i found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, i got a twelve inch pianist."

"can i try?" the man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.

"ducks? i didn't wish for a million ducks, i wished for a million bucks!"

"ya think i really wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

[onemancult]

A famous pilot was having dinner with a brunette and when they finished they headed to a hotel. He calls room service and asked for a bottle of red wine. When it arrived he put some red wine on the brunettes lips and started kissing her. She asks what the red wine is for and he replies, "For when I have red meat - I have red wine." "Oooohh" she says. A little while later the pilot jumps back onto the phone and orders some white wine. It arrives moments later, he splashes it on her rack and starts kissing her tits. She asks what the white wine is for and he replies, "For when I have white meat - I have white wine." Eventually he works his way down to her cunt, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on her muff and lights it on fire. "Aaahhhhhhh, why the fuck did you do that!?!" she yells. The pilot replies, "For when I go down, I want to go down in flames."

[DaBestSpoona]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an

animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention

is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more! .

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more,

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,"

she retorted indignantly.

"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex

lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man."Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell

'Mississippi'."

[bernt]

So, little Johnny wakes up in the middle of the night due to some banging on the wall. He runs over to his parent's room and sees his father railing his mom in the ass. His father smiles, winks, and turns to him and says, "Get out of here, kiddo".

His father says to himself, "Aw shit, I should probably explain to my son what he just saw" He goes over to Johnny's room and opens the door to see Johnny railing his grandmother in the ass. Johnny smiles, winks, and says to his father, "It's not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

[6MT]

u fuckers are dirty

[domdomdomdom]

A young man joined the Army and signed up with

the paratroopers. He went through the standard

training, completed the practice jumps from

higher and higher structures, and finally went to

take his first jump from an airplane. The next

day, he called home to his father to tell him the

news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up

in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door

and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got

up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab

the other men one at a time and throw them out

the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped,

and I was the last man left on the plane. I told

the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He

told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my

butt."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane,

but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go.

Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump

Master is this great big guy, about six-foot

five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are

you gonna jump or not?' I said, `No, sir. I'm too

scared.' "So the Jump Master pulled down his

zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was

about ten inches long and as big around as a

baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out

that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up

your ass.'

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first."

[domdomdomdom]

Q: Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

A: So the sheep don't hear them unzipping

Two old men were sitting on a park bench, one

says, “How’s the wife?”

The other replies, ‘I think she is dead, the sex

is the same but the dishes are piling up.”

[Ahlvahroe]

i dont remember my dirty jokes anymore but i got a couple of lame ones

Q. why does an elephant have 4 feet

A. cause whats he gonna do with 6 inches

q. what do you do if you come across a bear in the forrest?

a. appoligize and wipe it off

[broneck]

my first thought jumped to this

fdx_MyyqjdM

[mellowbonsai]

whats the difference between neil armstrong and michael jackson

neil armstrong was the first man on the moon

michael jackson like to fuck little kids in the ass

[NESK]

whats the hardest part of skinning a live baby in public?

hiding your erection.

[stuntastic]

What would you do for a Klondike Bar, FAGGOT!?

[the_state]

A pedophile and a little boy are walking into the cold dark woods.

The little boy starts crying and wimpering, the pedophile turns to him and says whats the matter with you, why are you crying?

The little boy says "The woods are cold, dark and really scary."

The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel, I have to walk out of here alone."