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superconfessional


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I haven't had much sleep the past few weeks and today was my first day off in awhile. Fell asleep on the couch and dreamt that I was walking around the house then I go to the oven and literally pull a a pussy out of it with mitts and everything. I look it up and down, smell it, hold it down to my crotch, bring it back up and say out loud, "I wander if they feel it when you fuck one of these" then i woke up.

This has been one weird ass week.

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reading the recent discussions in miscellaneous musings. am i strange to want a really bland life when i get older? for the longest time, my goals/dreams in life are to have a stable desk job in a cubicle, come home every night watch tv. and repeat. fuck is wrong with me?

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hence i adhere to the practical truth of my worst experience in my life.

i lost my white agent brain virginity to a gangbang on the queen i loved deepest in the world.

EGO DEATH :(

warren g. i can never forgive her for what she did to me.

i live for the green now. and someone to marry.

anyone understand?

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ego took quite a hit last night.

so i was working a seasonal job with a girl this summer and last summer, and despite us being good friends it was clear that there was the potential for something more. however, last summer she had a boyfriend. and towards the end of last summer she got her younger sister a job at the same place, and right off the bat her sister and i had a physical connection. within a few days her and i had had sex, and continued doing it for a couple months. this girl let me know that she wasn't thrilled that i was in a fuckbuddy relationship with her sister, but she could see that i wasn't using her or anything and i treated her with respect, so she sort of gave it her blessing.

fast forward to this summer, she's split up with her boyfriend, her sister has been out of the picture for several months, and her and i develop a closer relationship. all summer there's mutual flirting, a couple casual dates, but it didn't look like things would progress any further. i made a couple moves but each time she said she was still getting over her ex, was still thrown off by the fact i had been with her younger sister, and she didn't all of our coworkers in her business. i was ok with this, it was clear she was feeling me but i wasn't gonna push the issue too hard as i was pursuing another girl at the time. and i was really enjoying her friendship.

towards the end of the summer she's gearing up for school in a city about 3 hours away, and i could tell she was really second guessing herself. we're talking more and more frequently, she's telling me how much she's gonna miss me and it was pretty clear that she was regretting turning down my advances.

she leaves, and things change completely. now she wants to give things a shot between us. she's planning on coming back this weekend and wants to spend time together and talk about where we can take this. she and i both speak with her sister who is totally fine with us pursuing something, she said i was a great guy and was much better suited for her.

this is getting long so i'll cut to the chase. picked her up for dinner, couple drinks (should note her i only put back 2), and took her back to my place. had a great talk, took her to my bed and things are getting heated. after an hour or so of foreplay, i put the dome on and as i'm about to put it in i lose my boner... and it's not coming back. i'm absolutely mortified, nothing like this has ever happened to me before, and despite trying to get back in the mood my anxiety is totally killing any chance of redemption. she seems fully understanding (but visibly disappointed), and we go to sleep. i drive her home this morning with promises to see her tonight, but i'm rattled.

so yeah, i've been moping around all day, smacking myself in the head and muttering insults to myself

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